Super Bowl Commercials 2013

It’s time for the first ever Conz Hates Commercials Super Bowl commercial extravaganza recap… thing!

First – my thoughts on the game.  Shitty first half, awesome second half, terrible play calling by SF late, Ray Lewis murder joke, racist New Orleans related “black”out joke, Eli would have won it for the 9ers, and Colin Kaepernick looks like he has Progeria.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, on to the commercials.

Right off the bat, there weren’t many memorable spots this year (or for the past 5) so I’m cheating and using a compiled list from someone else’s site.  … Oh, and there’s no chance I’m giving said site any credit, not like they own the rights to the videos.

I will be rating each commercial on a scale of Eli the God (being 10 naturally) to Sanchez (1.)

elisanchez

Unfair?  Sure, but who doesn’t like to rip on Mark Sanchez?  I’m gonna have to drop a little spoiler here… there is not one Eli in the bunch, and this rating system is going to be a disaster.  Ten bucks says I abandon it halfway through.

Let’s open with this one, that I predicted wayyyy back in October

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them. … You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

Ok, so I was off by a billion views, and a few months, but that was as easy a prediction as there is.  Nate Silver I am not.  Way to keep the business model rolling, Wonderful Pistachios.  Rating – 2.  Blane Gabbert?

Not the worst.  I always get a kick out of the religious nuts who find the Virgin Mary in their toast, but this wasn’t worth $8 mil, Tide.  You could have taken $8 mil of your product and dumped it in the Ganges or something.  Rating – 6.  So who’s that?  Romo?  Nah, fuck Romo.

Racist!  Nope, not at all, but of course some people are crying foul.  That’s another $8 million right there.  I’m pretty sure VW had another “Be Happy” ad later in the game, so that was money well spent.  Rating – 4, but only because Jamaicans talk cool as shit.

I actually liked this one.  It’s just too bad the copious amount of pron I’ve viewed has forever tainted the word “cream,” for me.  “Tainted” was a bad choice.  Rating – 7… We ready to call Luck a 7?

People were tweeting about crying during this one.  …  Look, Bud, I like your Clydesdales, but only when they are playing football.  Way too much drama here, but I will say, this is the sweetest story about a man and his horse since Mr. Hands.  Shame on you, Burger King!  Who could eat such a majestic beast?  Rating 5 – but only for the  theatrical quality, fuck the story… although this is probably better than “War Horse.” Who’s the NFL’s most average QB?  Cam Newton?  Nah.  I don’t friggin know.  When’s baseball?

Wonder how much Dafoe pulled in for this.  Forgettable.  Didn’t Mercedes push a sub-$30k car a few years ago?  I bet the “starting” model has hand crank windows, no sun… excuse me, “moon” roof, 2 doors, a 1 cylinder engine, no cupholders, additional car stuff I know nothing about… once you ask for a couple upgrades you’re looking at a $45,000 car, which would instead buy you almost a second of advertising during the Super Bowl.  Rating – 5.

Love me some Rock, hate me some “Dwayne Johnson.”  Kind of mean spirited when you think about it.  While he’s out on his milk run, the cat could have died; the lion could have mauled that woman, etc…  Priorities though.  Rocky’s daughter wants some fuckin milk.  Not a terrible commercial.  Good to the see the Rock getting back to his roots… starring in action flicks with little girls.  Coulda done without the terrible CGI alien at the end.  Rating – 7 – Pre-Playoff Joe Flacco.

Are you bored yet?  I sure am.

This cost over $15 million.  I knew it was going to be some manly pick up truck commercial, but I was holding out hope the culminating shot would be an endless field of Farmers saying this.  Totally missed out on a great cross promotion there.  Rating – 4.  Too damn long and boring.  The cash spent here probably could have paid the yearly salary of every farmer in America, or at the very least subsidized America’s lima bean crops for the next… forever.

Beside the bully being the least convincing of all time, this was decent.  Coulda sworn he got tossed at the end, but I guess not.  Rating – 6.

I’m sure people found this hilarious, but I’m a humorless asshole.  Goat (not to be confused with “G.O.A.T.” aka Eli Manning) noises are always funny though, so the sound effects saved it.  Rating – 6.  Much better than…

… this piece of shit.  How many times has “Daddy playing princess” been used as a comedy crutch?  Hey jackass, you’re the dad.  Just tell her to give you the damn Doritos if you want them so bad. And ya know what, if she won’t hand them over, you have money, go buy a bag… shit, I’m sure you paid for those anyway.  What grown men play football like that in the front yard?  Oh and look at that, there’s a random Asian guy in the tag football group. Probably the only Asian other than Dat Nguyen to ever touch a football. Gotta appeal to them all! (Racist Alert – always wanted Nguyen to play for the Giants and line up with Justin Tuck so there could be a play called the “Nip Tuck” formation.)

There’s no chance Kato and a black dude are hanging out with bootleg Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” in the real world.  Also, if she had 5 friggin bags of Doritos, why couldn’t she just let Daddy have one with the promise he’ll play with her later?  Why is she hoarding 5 bags of Doritos anyway?!  I’m sorry but if you’re buying 5 bags, you’re telling me you aren’t mixing in at least one Cool Ranch?  Bullshit.  Terrible.  The kids in the Hyundai commercial above could probably beat these clowns.

This won a million bucks for someone too.  Remember your Grandfather? Yeah, you know em, Poppy Harry? The guy who worked 40 years in a steel mill for 12 hours a day to put bread on his family’s table?  He used to slip you a $5 bill every now and then and tell you not to spend it all on candy.  He made $100,000 in his lifetime.  These guys made a million for a joke that has been done 100,000 times, most recently in an Orville Redenbacher commercial.   Rating – Butt Fumble.

Dare I use the word “adorable?”  I dare not.  I saw this on some “worst” lists, which is ridiculous.  The shit has baby pandas, monkeys and elephants!  That alone makes it a 7.  I’m glad Kia didn’t try to incorporate these assholes.

2/10 would not bang.  Seriously though, this chick doesn’t appeal to me at all.  What am I missing?  I was waiting for Shatner to pop out.  Nothing new here.  You could have done literally anything with the premise and they dropped the ball.  Rating – 4.

What a disgrace.  What is he opposite of giving “eargasms with my mellow accent?”  How can you shit on a classic song like that, Becks? Fuck you.  Rating – Sanchez.

I think the Iron Sheik summed this one up perfectly in one tweet – “Fuck the Leon Sandcastle.”  Rating – 5.

That Paul Rudd is one charming motherfucker.  He and Rogen’s banter was funny.  I was ready to call this my favorite, and then Bob Odenkirk came in and I was all, “ah yeah, this is getting even better.”  … and it didn’t.  It went off the rails. Then Bron Bron made an appearance live via satellite, and in typical Apatow fashion, it went on way too long… but that was the edited for TV version.

This is the extended cut.   Odenkirk slowed it down a bit, but this is pretty hilarious.  Definitely my favorite.  Rating – Eli the God’s big brother.

Here’s the straight to TBS sequel for “Project X.”  Glad they decided to drop the shakey cam for this one.  Seriously though, don’t insult us, Pepsi.  9 years olds have sex parties with booze and drugs these days, teens aren’t drinking Pepsi Next.  Oh, and there’s some great unnatural commercial dialogue from the ‘This Friggin Guy’ actor playing the Dad, “This is real cola taste!”  No one talks like that.  Sneaky cameo from the ginger former child actor in the beginning.  Rating – 3, but only for the fat kid pouring milk over his head.

Look at Gildan running with the big dogs.  Good for you, Gildan… buttt you gave this asshole more work, therefore, I hate your commercial.  Rating – Sanchez.

There were a few other ones I remember but don’t feel like looking up…

Bud had a new black beer or some shit.

Pepsi had some shit with Stevie Wonder playing a voodoo priest or something.  At one point he looked up at (I think) Zoe Saldana like everyone doesn’t know he’s blind.

There was a Wheat Thin commercial that may have been funny, but no lists seem to remember it either.

Some kid drove an Audi and kissed the chick and got punched at Prom.

There was a stupid GoDaddy spot where Danica Patrick was terrible at acting.

The overrated as a motherfucker “Walking Dead” had some sport or something with zombies. Daryl was in one! He was probably checking that house for Sofia.  No offense to Norman Reedus, but between this show and “Boondock Saints,” the guy is cornering the market on disgustingly overrated shit douchebags love.  So Reedus got a Super Bowl commercial, Willem Dafoe got one… somwhere Powder must be crying in a corner.

Coke kept up their tradition of having dogshit ads with some Mad Max vs. Showgirls vs. someone else race for a giant coke in the desert or some shit.  I think the Showgirls ended up winning and saying, “This is real cola taste!”

Taco Bell had 2 ads with Spanish versions of famous songs that were garbage.  The idea was decent, but the Spanish translations sounded like shit in both cases, ruining the potential.

There was a Calvin Klein ad for underwear featuring a basically naked dude.  Nothing rabid football fans want to see more than some model in his manties.  I guess that was for the ladies.

Tracy Morgan did something that wasn’t 30 Rock, so I zoned out.

I think Kate Upton’s voluptuous tits were in 4 commercials, and I’m sure worldwide men high fived their buddies saying she’s the “hottest chick in the world.”  Good for her, getting as much work as possible before the inevitable Anna Nicole Smith transformation is complete.  I’m pretty sure Butt Fumble fucked her.

And of course, last but not least, this…

Gofuckyourself, Godaddy.  While it’s cool to see the world’s greatest extra get some shine, this is one of the most disgusting commercials… probably of all time.  You could have had Bar Refaeli make out with *insert that chick you love here* and those noises would still have made this unsettling.  GoDaddy gives 5 Hour Energy a run for their shitty money.  It’s 2013, we don’t need to see sexy women for 30 seconds, every 5th site you host on the internet is a porn tube… although maybe seeing said sexy women on TV in clothes causes me to go to godaddy hosted porn tube sites… hmmm.  Rating – if you could somehow clone a team full of Sanchez’s.

Hundreds of millions of dollars well spent!  And like always, my (and yours if you read this) time poorly spent.

Time for pitchers and catchers!  … Fuck, I’m a Mets fan.

Wonderful Pistachios

Before I start, I just want to give a much appreciated shout-out to Fuckupussy@hotmail.com, my reader of the week.  Your kind words really warmed my heart this morning…

“Shama Lama ding dong cry me a river writer you fuckin taint go crawl In a hole faggot”

It’s as if Maya Angelou and the Iron Shiek had a love child, and never taught him what puncuation was.  Still, you manage to convey so much emotion in so few words, it’s truly beautiful man… truly.  It’s readers like you that inspire me to write these blog entries.

Do you mind if I shoot you an email, Fuckupussy?  I need to know what address to send the official ‘Conz Hates Commercials’ T-shirt to.

Today’s entry is dedicated to you, FUP.  Cherish it…

These are some of the least clever commercials on TV at the moment.  You gotta really suck to get my attention and scorn with a 15 second ad.

This is the most recent…

See what I mean?  “Homer and Bart do it family style?”  That’s the best they’ve got?  That’s not clever or funny.  You have two iconic characters… two characters that in 20+ years haven’t done many ads at all outside of the “You better not lay a finger on my Butterfinger” spots, and you can’t even come up with funny narration?  Granted, I’m too lazy to think of anything better right now, but you know damn well there’s an endless comedy resource to pull from with “The Simpsons.”

The Narrator is the worst part about these things.  He doesn’t have a strong voice and his delivery sucks.  I don’t think he could sell a joke even if they had them.

How is this selling pistachio nuts?  Who saw these 60 year old gay men dancing and thought “Mmm, I can sure go for some of those pistachios.  Honey, add them to the grocery list!?”  Who dammit, who?!

Was this story big enough to base a commercial around?

I don’t think that even crossed over into pop culture, definitely didn’t warrant an unfunny pistachio commercial.  Will anyone even remember that in 5 years?  I don’t even remember the specifics and it just happened fairly recently.

There was a Snooki commercial, but that seems to have been pulled from YouTube, thankfully.  She used a tanning booth to open the pistachio because that’s really practical and hilarious!  I’m also pretty sure it came out around the 3rd season of “Jersey Shore” which was right around the time people stopped liking her even ironically.

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them.

These definitely aired well after the novelty wore off…

The way this guy says “purrr-fectly” creeps me the fuck out for some reason…  And I don’t even know if keyboard cat had a 2 week run of popularity… sure that’s about 13 days longer than mine but… go fuck yourself…

Oh look, Mr. Bill.  Remember Mr. Bill kids?  Really struck while the iron was hot on this one…

You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

These commercials remind me of the old Emerald Nuts ads.  I have to assume it’s the same company, or marketing firm at the very least, because they’re definitely similar.  Are Emerald Nuts even in business anymore?  The product was awful, but the commercials were kinda good for a while.  Remember these?

There were a ton of these, and I gotta say, they were pretty funny.

I can’t seem to find anymore but I remember a few others… I’m pretty sure they had one for “Erect Nipples,” with a couple of broads locked in a freezer eating almonds.

I think there was an “Ejaculating Newts” commercial that aired late night on cable networks too, but I could be wrong.

And who can forget this ad?  I always thought this was extremely insensitive and tasteless… like their product…

Should I keep pretending like these obviously fake memories are funny, or should I just wrap it up?

Fair enough.  I probably crossed the line on the last one anyway.