Pcmatic.com

It’s .com week here at Conz Hates Commercials aka morelikebadvertising.wordpress.com!!!!

Exciting!

I have to assume commercials like this are terrible for the sake of being terrible?  They don’t have big budgets and can’t get the Melanie Paxson’s of the world to star in them, so they always end up being piss poor.

Blondie’s smacking the shit out of her keyboard when Jerry… I’m calling him “Jerry,” walks up and simply says, “I’ll have these.” Who the fuck buys stuff like that?  Next time I go to the supermarket, I’m gonna throw my groceries down, look the old cashier in the eye and say, “I’ll have these,” exactly like Billy Madison says “Those are Z’s.”

Anyway, Blondie’s computer is all slow and Jerry tells her about pcmatic.com… repeatedly.  Before you know it Jerry — a customer — is manning the register… the drawer that holds all of Blondie’s money.  He manages to find a virus using… everyone together now, “PCMatic.com.” You were a little late there, Steve.  Don’t worry, we’ll fix it in post…

Jerry ain’t lying about the bug, the scanner — which usually shows prices — backs him up.

PcmaticVirus

Pcmatic tells Jerry her computer has a virus, and is also freezing.  She asks how he knows that, and he replies, “Because this piece of shit just froze!”  Then he pulls out a pistol, points to the money drawer, then her tits and menacingly says, “I’ll have these!”

… Nah, they just keep saying “pcmatic” over and over again.  He says, “Pcmatic works from the cloud and sends a report to your inbox.”  Tell me that doesn’t sound like made up computer mumbo jumbo… it’s like someone who has never worked on a computer heard those words once and then wrote the dialogue for this commercial.

Blondie is so satisfied by pcmatic’s instantaneous results, Jerry gets his roses on the house. (And the $300 he pocketed when she was too busy yacking about pcmatic.com.)

They say “Pcmatic” 16 times in this commercial.  16 times in 61 seconds.  That’s more times than that Korean dude says “Gangnam Style” in the aptly named song, “Gangnam Style.”  Have you guys heard “Gangnam Style?”  Oh man, you should totally check it out on YouTube!

If you actually go to pcmatic.com, it looks like a site that is riddled with viruses.  Also, it’s a free download, but once you get suckered into using it, you probably have to pay out the ass.

This commercial has the worst acting I’ve ever seen in a florist.

… What?  It doesn’t?  Surely ye jest.

I know, I know, everyone is aware of “The Room” by now, but that clip never gets old.

I’m sure it’s been broken down ad nauseum (Fun Fact – I almost named this shitass blog “Ad Naseum,” but someone already had it.) Apparently Johnny is Clark Kent.  She doesn’t recognize him with his shades on despite him being her favorite customer.  The dubbing in this movie is GOAT status, and “Hi Doggie” should be America’s new motto.  It should be on the back of our dollar bill.

PcmaticDollar

“Pcmatic”

Shouldn’t the young girl know more about computers than her bespectacled dad?  Also, a navy blue “State” sweatshirt?   Too soon!  Think of the children!  Those poor poor children.

Who talks like the people in these commercials?

Notice how it’s always a woman with the computer problems?  What are they trying to say?  I want to accuse them of being sexist, but let’s be real, they couldn’t go the other way.  If the roles were flipped, the woman in each ad would immediately chastise the guy for looking at too much porn.

Question – if your computer gets a virus from a porn site, is that technically a sexually transmitted disease?

“Pcmatic”

Wait, they actually do have one where the male gets the virus…

Ya know what?  I’m the sexist one.  I don’t buy it.  There’s no way that woman would know how to fix the problem.  I kinda like that promiscuous little milf though.  I’d let her clear my history folder.

In conclusion, pcmatic.  Pcmatic.  Pcmatic… .com.