Super Bowl Commercials 2013

It’s time for the first ever Conz Hates Commercials Super Bowl commercial extravaganza recap… thing!

First – my thoughts on the game.  Shitty first half, awesome second half, terrible play calling by SF late, Ray Lewis murder joke, racist New Orleans related “black”out joke, Eli would have won it for the 9ers, and Colin Kaepernick looks like he has Progeria.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, on to the commercials.

Right off the bat, there weren’t many memorable spots this year (or for the past 5) so I’m cheating and using a compiled list from someone else’s site.  … Oh, and there’s no chance I’m giving said site any credit, not like they own the rights to the videos.

I will be rating each commercial on a scale of Eli the God (being 10 naturally) to Sanchez (1.)

elisanchez

Unfair?  Sure, but who doesn’t like to rip on Mark Sanchez?  I’m gonna have to drop a little spoiler here… there is not one Eli in the bunch, and this rating system is going to be a disaster.  Ten bucks says I abandon it halfway through.

Let’s open with this one, that I predicted wayyyy back in October

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them. … You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

Ok, so I was off by a billion views, and a few months, but that was as easy a prediction as there is.  Nate Silver I am not.  Way to keep the business model rolling, Wonderful Pistachios.  Rating – 2.  Blane Gabbert?

Not the worst.  I always get a kick out of the religious nuts who find the Virgin Mary in their toast, but this wasn’t worth $8 mil, Tide.  You could have taken $8 mil of your product and dumped it in the Ganges or something.  Rating – 6.  So who’s that?  Romo?  Nah, fuck Romo.

Racist!  Nope, not at all, but of course some people are crying foul.  That’s another $8 million right there.  I’m pretty sure VW had another “Be Happy” ad later in the game, so that was money well spent.  Rating – 4, but only because Jamaicans talk cool as shit.

I actually liked this one.  It’s just too bad the copious amount of pron I’ve viewed has forever tainted the word “cream,” for me.  “Tainted” was a bad choice.  Rating – 7… We ready to call Luck a 7?

People were tweeting about crying during this one.  …  Look, Bud, I like your Clydesdales, but only when they are playing football.  Way too much drama here, but I will say, this is the sweetest story about a man and his horse since Mr. Hands.  Shame on you, Burger King!  Who could eat such a majestic beast?  Rating 5 – but only for the  theatrical quality, fuck the story… although this is probably better than “War Horse.” Who’s the NFL’s most average QB?  Cam Newton?  Nah.  I don’t friggin know.  When’s baseball?

Wonder how much Dafoe pulled in for this.  Forgettable.  Didn’t Mercedes push a sub-$30k car a few years ago?  I bet the “starting” model has hand crank windows, no sun… excuse me, “moon” roof, 2 doors, a 1 cylinder engine, no cupholders, additional car stuff I know nothing about… once you ask for a couple upgrades you’re looking at a $45,000 car, which would instead buy you almost a second of advertising during the Super Bowl.  Rating – 5.

Love me some Rock, hate me some “Dwayne Johnson.”  Kind of mean spirited when you think about it.  While he’s out on his milk run, the cat could have died; the lion could have mauled that woman, etc…  Priorities though.  Rocky’s daughter wants some fuckin milk.  Not a terrible commercial.  Good to the see the Rock getting back to his roots… starring in action flicks with little girls.  Coulda done without the terrible CGI alien at the end.  Rating – 7 – Pre-Playoff Joe Flacco.

Are you bored yet?  I sure am.

This cost over $15 million.  I knew it was going to be some manly pick up truck commercial, but I was holding out hope the culminating shot would be an endless field of Farmers saying this.  Totally missed out on a great cross promotion there.  Rating – 4.  Too damn long and boring.  The cash spent here probably could have paid the yearly salary of every farmer in America, or at the very least subsidized America’s lima bean crops for the next… forever.

Beside the bully being the least convincing of all time, this was decent.  Coulda sworn he got tossed at the end, but I guess not.  Rating – 6.

I’m sure people found this hilarious, but I’m a humorless asshole.  Goat (not to be confused with “G.O.A.T.” aka Eli Manning) noises are always funny though, so the sound effects saved it.  Rating – 6.  Much better than…

… this piece of shit.  How many times has “Daddy playing princess” been used as a comedy crutch?  Hey jackass, you’re the dad.  Just tell her to give you the damn Doritos if you want them so bad. And ya know what, if she won’t hand them over, you have money, go buy a bag… shit, I’m sure you paid for those anyway.  What grown men play football like that in the front yard?  Oh and look at that, there’s a random Asian guy in the tag football group. Probably the only Asian other than Dat Nguyen to ever touch a football. Gotta appeal to them all! (Racist Alert – always wanted Nguyen to play for the Giants and line up with Justin Tuck so there could be a play called the “Nip Tuck” formation.)

There’s no chance Kato and a black dude are hanging out with bootleg Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” in the real world.  Also, if she had 5 friggin bags of Doritos, why couldn’t she just let Daddy have one with the promise he’ll play with her later?  Why is she hoarding 5 bags of Doritos anyway?!  I’m sorry but if you’re buying 5 bags, you’re telling me you aren’t mixing in at least one Cool Ranch?  Bullshit.  Terrible.  The kids in the Hyundai commercial above could probably beat these clowns.

This won a million bucks for someone too.  Remember your Grandfather? Yeah, you know em, Poppy Harry? The guy who worked 40 years in a steel mill for 12 hours a day to put bread on his family’s table?  He used to slip you a $5 bill every now and then and tell you not to spend it all on candy.  He made $100,000 in his lifetime.  These guys made a million for a joke that has been done 100,000 times, most recently in an Orville Redenbacher commercial.   Rating – Butt Fumble.

Dare I use the word “adorable?”  I dare not.  I saw this on some “worst” lists, which is ridiculous.  The shit has baby pandas, monkeys and elephants!  That alone makes it a 7.  I’m glad Kia didn’t try to incorporate these assholes.

2/10 would not bang.  Seriously though, this chick doesn’t appeal to me at all.  What am I missing?  I was waiting for Shatner to pop out.  Nothing new here.  You could have done literally anything with the premise and they dropped the ball.  Rating – 4.

What a disgrace.  What is he opposite of giving “eargasms with my mellow accent?”  How can you shit on a classic song like that, Becks? Fuck you.  Rating – Sanchez.

I think the Iron Sheik summed this one up perfectly in one tweet – “Fuck the Leon Sandcastle.”  Rating – 5.

That Paul Rudd is one charming motherfucker.  He and Rogen’s banter was funny.  I was ready to call this my favorite, and then Bob Odenkirk came in and I was all, “ah yeah, this is getting even better.”  … and it didn’t.  It went off the rails. Then Bron Bron made an appearance live via satellite, and in typical Apatow fashion, it went on way too long… but that was the edited for TV version.

This is the extended cut.   Odenkirk slowed it down a bit, but this is pretty hilarious.  Definitely my favorite.  Rating – Eli the God’s big brother.

Here’s the straight to TBS sequel for “Project X.”  Glad they decided to drop the shakey cam for this one.  Seriously though, don’t insult us, Pepsi.  9 years olds have sex parties with booze and drugs these days, teens aren’t drinking Pepsi Next.  Oh, and there’s some great unnatural commercial dialogue from the ‘This Friggin Guy’ actor playing the Dad, “This is real cola taste!”  No one talks like that.  Sneaky cameo from the ginger former child actor in the beginning.  Rating – 3, but only for the fat kid pouring milk over his head.

Look at Gildan running with the big dogs.  Good for you, Gildan… buttt you gave this asshole more work, therefore, I hate your commercial.  Rating – Sanchez.

There were a few other ones I remember but don’t feel like looking up…

Bud had a new black beer or some shit.

Pepsi had some shit with Stevie Wonder playing a voodoo priest or something.  At one point he looked up at (I think) Zoe Saldana like everyone doesn’t know he’s blind.

There was a Wheat Thin commercial that may have been funny, but no lists seem to remember it either.

Some kid drove an Audi and kissed the chick and got punched at Prom.

There was a stupid GoDaddy spot where Danica Patrick was terrible at acting.

The overrated as a motherfucker “Walking Dead” had some sport or something with zombies. Daryl was in one! He was probably checking that house for Sofia.  No offense to Norman Reedus, but between this show and “Boondock Saints,” the guy is cornering the market on disgustingly overrated shit douchebags love.  So Reedus got a Super Bowl commercial, Willem Dafoe got one… somwhere Powder must be crying in a corner.

Coke kept up their tradition of having dogshit ads with some Mad Max vs. Showgirls vs. someone else race for a giant coke in the desert or some shit.  I think the Showgirls ended up winning and saying, “This is real cola taste!”

Taco Bell had 2 ads with Spanish versions of famous songs that were garbage.  The idea was decent, but the Spanish translations sounded like shit in both cases, ruining the potential.

There was a Calvin Klein ad for underwear featuring a basically naked dude.  Nothing rabid football fans want to see more than some model in his manties.  I guess that was for the ladies.

Tracy Morgan did something that wasn’t 30 Rock, so I zoned out.

I think Kate Upton’s voluptuous tits were in 4 commercials, and I’m sure worldwide men high fived their buddies saying she’s the “hottest chick in the world.”  Good for her, getting as much work as possible before the inevitable Anna Nicole Smith transformation is complete.  I’m pretty sure Butt Fumble fucked her.

And of course, last but not least, this…

Gofuckyourself, Godaddy.  While it’s cool to see the world’s greatest extra get some shine, this is one of the most disgusting commercials… probably of all time.  You could have had Bar Refaeli make out with *insert that chick you love here* and those noises would still have made this unsettling.  GoDaddy gives 5 Hour Energy a run for their shitty money.  It’s 2013, we don’t need to see sexy women for 30 seconds, every 5th site you host on the internet is a porn tube… although maybe seeing said sexy women on TV in clothes causes me to go to godaddy hosted porn tube sites… hmmm.  Rating – if you could somehow clone a team full of Sanchez’s.

Hundreds of millions of dollars well spent!  And like always, my (and yours if you read this) time poorly spent.

Time for pitchers and catchers!  … Fuck, I’m a Mets fan.

Kia Soul – Hamsters

The worst…  Here’s the most recent ad featuring these horrific abominations of Science…

This is what these companies do.  They introduce characters in commercials that are semi-relevant to said characters… then they just put them in situations that make no sense from that point on.

What the fuck is going on in this commercial?  Is this present day or the 1700s?  According to the description on the YouTube video:

“They’re back. And this time they’ve gone way back in their time-traveling Kia Soul. That’s right, the hamsters are bringing down the house, only it’s an 18th century opera house. And they’re showing a traditional upper-crust crowd how to party their britches off with Axwell’s remix of “In My Mind” by Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl ft. Georgi Kay.”

I just cannot get over the fact that people get paid for this.  So the Kia Soul is the new Delorean, and man-sized hamsters are using it to go back in time to play house music for some flamboyant assholes in powder wigs? Oh, and they also managed to rig the entire house with a sophisticated laser display?  These people have never seen an automobile, or heard music like this… yet they’re fine just popping and locking with some mutant hybrids from the future?  Bullshit.  They would have run out of there in hysterics the second that Manster yanked his mask off, screaming “The end is nigh!”

…or maybe before… that’s terrifying.

These hamsters have been around for a few years now, I guess people really responded well.

I think this was the original…

… The first time we were introduced to these Hamsters that I’m sure were pitched as “Vermin with swag” by some dork in Kia’s corporate office.  I bet at one point he even called them “Hamstas” and then probably followed it with an inappropriate “yo, yo, yo,” making everyone uncomfortable in the room… especially Derek, the only African American at the table… the first in his family to graduate college.  Ya see Derek thought he’d avoid prejudice like this in the world of corporate advertising… Morehouse didn’t teach you everything D-Rock.  You live and you learn.

This one made sense. “A new way to roll.”  Right, Hamsters roll in their hamster wheels, why not put them in a Kia Soul?  I can kinda see the train of thought there.  Then they decided to ramp it up a bit, put them in flashy gangsta clothes, and take a left down the road to irrelevance…

I like the head honcho Hammy rocking his “Hamstar” shirt. (Knew they had a corny name.)  I guarantee people weren’t positive what kind of animals they were in the first commercial, so they had to clear it up.  “Is it a guinea pig, or a mouse, or a gerbil?”

“I’m a Hamstar, son!”

To be fair, I do own this T-shirt and wear it often.  I don’t need people confusing me for a cyborg or something.

Pretty sure that commercial was a diss track to those Scion cars that look like… toasters? Washing machines?  I actually have no fuckin clue what that was.

If that’s the case… they look like the same fuckin car.  What kinda weak ass battle is this?  “There’s only room for one cheap ass, off brand, boxy SUV thing on the road!”  That’s like China and Japan getting into a war over appearances… they all look the same.  Shots fired!

Look the Kia Soul over… I honestly think I’d rather drive a toaster.

BTW, in case you were wondering, the official classification of the Kia Soul is an “urban crossover vehicle.”  A what?  Did they invent that to coincide with their urban crossover house pets? Ever heard anyone say, “Yo, check out my new UCV?!”

I will say this… The Choice is Yours is still a sick track, and I’m glad Black Sheep cleared a check.

Speaking of “sick tracks,” this track makes me sick…

What the fuck, man?!  Now they’re in some kind of apocalyptic video game world?  How the hell did they get there, did the time travel speedometer break?  Are we to believe that their dancing is the great equalizer?  They manage to stop the carnage just by shaking their fat asses… where the fuck where you when the war started?  You wait until the world is smoldering in ashes to make dance peace with the robots? Fuck you, Hamstars.  Too little too late.

Could you imagine what those punk kids on Xbox Live would say if you made your Soldier (Souldier?) do this?

“Stop dancing or I’ll burn your house down, faggot!”

Here’s the YouTube description of this one:

“First they drove. Then they rapped. Now they’re dancing (to LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem). But they’re not doing any old dance. They’re shuffling. And they’re doing it harder, faster and better than any hamster has ever shuffled before. Did you see their performance during the MTV VMA’s?”

They performed at the VMAs?  Dancing Hamsters performed at the MTV Video Music Awards…  Just let that simmer for a few…

And by the by Kia, no hamster has ever shuffled… ever.  Unless there are Hamster poker dealers in little hamster casinos I don’t know about… playing for food pellets instead of money… hamster cocktail waitresses bringing over one of those big water bottle things with the metal straws for a drink… how cute… aww… what?  Alright, keep your pants on, I’ll finish this shitty blog post…

I can’t wait to see where these little shits go next.  The lost city of Atlantis?

“They’ve driven, rapped, and danced.  Now they’re swimming (to Skillrex’s new piece of shit).  But they’re not doing any old swim.  They’re bubbling.  And they’re getting all the mermaids and merman in on the fun.  Hamsters under the sea?!  Anything’s possible with the new 2013 Kia Soul.  The “Soul” is short for ‘Ass-soul.’

What’s the average lifespan of a hamster? I feel like every kid I knew that had them had a mass graveyard in their backyards.  I think it’s about time these dance machines kick the bucket.  Stop the madness!

RIP Randy Savage and that hamster/gerbil/whateverthefuck.