Super Bowl Movie Spots 2013

What, you thought I forgot about the movie trailers?!

I did.

I didn’t really remember any of them off the top of my head except Ironman 3.

Which looks dope as fuck, son.  The 2nd one kinda sucked after the scene at the racetrack in Monaco, but I would probably watch RDJ make these until he’s 80 (lets be real, he’s probably not seeing 80.)

The fact Shane Black wrote and directed this is the best thing it has going for it.  You pair him back up with RDJ, and let him write for Tony Stark and I just can’t imagine how this could possibly miss.  Without a doubt the best trailer of this year’s Super Bowl.  Good looks on that Marvel acquisition, Disney.

Oh boy.  Get Poppy Harry on the horn and ask him who the fuck the Lone Ranger is.

Disney, I just gave you props, then you hit me with this?

Quarter of a billion dollar budget (which would make it a 71 minute movie by Super Bowl commercial price standards) Action hero from generations ago that no child in America has ever heard of, drab desert scenery… They have a really good track record with this.

At the very least, Depp makes bank, but they went with another fairly unknown lead. The movie is called “The Lone Ranger” yet Tonto is the logo.  Obviously, they’re gonna sell Johnny Depp to the audience, but come on.  This also marks his 10th straight film with ridiculous face paint.

Maybe it’s just me but big budget action movies set in the wild west are NEVER good.  “Back to the Future 3” is solid, beyond that you got shit like “Wild Wild West,” and the horrendous “Cowboys vs. Aliens.”

There’s almost no chane this isn’t a flop.  It will do better than “John Carter,” but come on Disney, I don’t care if the “Pirates” dudes are behind it, this was a bad idea.

Speaking of bad ideas and Disney…

I have no doubt this will do well.  Whereas no kid gives a fuck about the Lone Ranger, every child on the planet has seen “The Wizard of Oz” but still… this looks like shit.

Mila Kunis is a goddess, but James Franco sucks.  I said it.  He sucks.  Outside of “Pineapple Express,” he hasn’t been good in much.  “What about when he cut his arm off?!”  Ok, that was a good performance too, you can have that.  Besides that, he’s oversaturated the market.  “Planet of the Apes” wasn’t good because of him.

This one is a CGI overload.  It looks like “Alice in Wonderland” which fuckin sucked, but somehow still made a billion worldwide, so this is probably a safe bet.

Speaking of safe bets and Disney…

All this trailer did was pump me up for the JJ Abrams Star Wars.  The first “Trek” movie was good(never thought I’d watch a Star Trek movie), and this looks just as good, so I’m in.  That’s all I have to say.

And then you got this…

Nicely done, Disney!  (Shut up, I know.)

If I would have told you “The Fast and the Furious” would have spawned 5 sequels, what would you have said?

This… looks awesome.  Fuck it, it looks awesome.  These movies have steadily gotten better as they’ve gone on.  Even “Tokyo Drift” was good.  These are just pure mindless entertainment, unlike action movies such as “The Expendables” which just suck despite the over the top action.

Man, the whole crew is here!  The Rock, Diesel, Walker, Luda, Han (where are the country kid and Bow Wow in these sequels?) Tyr… fuck Tyrese.  Michelle Rodriguez is more imposing than Tyrese.

So, here’s your wrap up:

  1. Ironman 3
  2. 6 Fast 6 Furious
  3. Star Trek into Star Wars
  4. Mila Kunis
  5. Tonto and the White Guy

This was completely unnecessary.


Terrible Music Tuesday – Samuel Adams Octoberfest

In the pantheon of great sequels there are few that are regarded as highly as their predecessor.  We all know the usual suspects — The Godfather Part 2, The Dark Knight, Aliens, Hot Shots Part Deux, Terminator 2, The Empire Strikes Back, Beethoven’s 2nd… I think it’s safe to say we can add another sequel to the list…

Tim McMorris is back baby, and Tim McMorris is better than ever!

Here’s the pussy-ass original

But this sequel blows that shit away!

I’m convinced Tim McMorris works at the Sam Adams brewery.  Either that or Jim Koch just started his own indie label.  This song is light years better than “Overwhelmed,” but it still pretty much blows.  What kinda music is this exactly, Folk?  Either way, at what point do kids with guitars drop their rock and roll dreams and start playing sissy Mary bullshit like this?

This song doesn’t have any lyrics that get stuck in your head like most shitty commercial songs.  The last one had that “overwhelmed by you” hook that stuck, this one doesn’t have it… therefore, they did a bad job.  Bad job, Sam Adams.  Badddddddd.

That crazy prankster Wooly Williy is back to his crazy pranking ways!  He’s like a modern day Alan Funt (Topical!)

“Why I oughtta!”

Dude still refuses to cover that ratty Tank Abbott beard with a hairnet though.  Somewhere in America someone just took a sip of their first Octoberfest of the Fall season and got a long, grey hair in their mouth.  … Come to think of it, Wooly Willy might actually be Tank Abbott on Atkins.  In that case, don’t tell him I was talking shit.

“Mehhhh, I stopped eating bread…”

To be fair to WW, he seems to be the head brewer.  If that’s the case, he  has one of the coolest jobs in America.  WW gets to hang around that spacious brewery all day, surrounded by all those giant vats and mixers and… wait a minute…

EEEEEKKKK!  I can’t wait for the next season!

Apparently Louis C.K. works at the brewery as well…

That dude is prolific… Comedian, Writer, Actor, Producer, Director, Brewer… He is from the Boston area, so it does match up.  Louis is the new James Franco.  Take a day off, bro.

As I said in the last Sam Adams blog, Octoberfest is overrated as shit.   Shit is overrated, you can’t even argue that.  I contest that Octoberfest is even more overrated than shit.  I’ll drink it if I have to, but there are a ton of seasonal beers I’d sooner buy.  Actually, Sam Adams just came out with a new pumpkin beer than is better than Octoberfest.

I wonder if Tim McMorris is booking gigs from these ads.  You gotta think they only have Sam on tap at all the shitty little pubs he plays.

Here’s a sneak peek at the terrible McMorris music that will more than likely be in the Samuel Adams Holiday Pack commercial…

Here’s the comedy stylings of Sam Adams’ employee Louis C.K. …

You didn’t really think I was going to leave you without bringing race into it, did you?