Super Bowl Commercials 2013

It’s time for the first ever Conz Hates Commercials Super Bowl commercial extravaganza recap… thing!

First – my thoughts on the game.  Shitty first half, awesome second half, terrible play calling by SF late, Ray Lewis murder joke, racist New Orleans related “black”out joke, Eli would have won it for the 9ers, and Colin Kaepernick looks like he has Progeria.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, on to the commercials.

Right off the bat, there weren’t many memorable spots this year (or for the past 5) so I’m cheating and using a compiled list from someone else’s site.  … Oh, and there’s no chance I’m giving said site any credit, not like they own the rights to the videos.

I will be rating each commercial on a scale of Eli the God (being 10 naturally) to Sanchez (1.)

elisanchez

Unfair?  Sure, but who doesn’t like to rip on Mark Sanchez?  I’m gonna have to drop a little spoiler here… there is not one Eli in the bunch, and this rating system is going to be a disaster.  Ten bucks says I abandon it halfway through.

Let’s open with this one, that I predicted wayyyy back in October

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them. … You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

Ok, so I was off by a billion views, and a few months, but that was as easy a prediction as there is.  Nate Silver I am not.  Way to keep the business model rolling, Wonderful Pistachios.  Rating – 2.  Blane Gabbert?

Not the worst.  I always get a kick out of the religious nuts who find the Virgin Mary in their toast, but this wasn’t worth $8 mil, Tide.  You could have taken $8 mil of your product and dumped it in the Ganges or something.  Rating – 6.  So who’s that?  Romo?  Nah, fuck Romo.

Racist!  Nope, not at all, but of course some people are crying foul.  That’s another $8 million right there.  I’m pretty sure VW had another “Be Happy” ad later in the game, so that was money well spent.  Rating – 4, but only because Jamaicans talk cool as shit.

I actually liked this one.  It’s just too bad the copious amount of pron I’ve viewed has forever tainted the word “cream,” for me.  “Tainted” was a bad choice.  Rating – 7… We ready to call Luck a 7?

People were tweeting about crying during this one.  …  Look, Bud, I like your Clydesdales, but only when they are playing football.  Way too much drama here, but I will say, this is the sweetest story about a man and his horse since Mr. Hands.  Shame on you, Burger King!  Who could eat such a majestic beast?  Rating 5 – but only for the  theatrical quality, fuck the story… although this is probably better than “War Horse.” Who’s the NFL’s most average QB?  Cam Newton?  Nah.  I don’t friggin know.  When’s baseball?

Wonder how much Dafoe pulled in for this.  Forgettable.  Didn’t Mercedes push a sub-$30k car a few years ago?  I bet the “starting” model has hand crank windows, no sun… excuse me, “moon” roof, 2 doors, a 1 cylinder engine, no cupholders, additional car stuff I know nothing about… once you ask for a couple upgrades you’re looking at a $45,000 car, which would instead buy you almost a second of advertising during the Super Bowl.  Rating – 5.

Love me some Rock, hate me some “Dwayne Johnson.”  Kind of mean spirited when you think about it.  While he’s out on his milk run, the cat could have died; the lion could have mauled that woman, etc…  Priorities though.  Rocky’s daughter wants some fuckin milk.  Not a terrible commercial.  Good to the see the Rock getting back to his roots… starring in action flicks with little girls.  Coulda done without the terrible CGI alien at the end.  Rating – 7 – Pre-Playoff Joe Flacco.

Are you bored yet?  I sure am.

This cost over $15 million.  I knew it was going to be some manly pick up truck commercial, but I was holding out hope the culminating shot would be an endless field of Farmers saying this.  Totally missed out on a great cross promotion there.  Rating – 4.  Too damn long and boring.  The cash spent here probably could have paid the yearly salary of every farmer in America, or at the very least subsidized America’s lima bean crops for the next… forever.

Beside the bully being the least convincing of all time, this was decent.  Coulda sworn he got tossed at the end, but I guess not.  Rating – 6.

I’m sure people found this hilarious, but I’m a humorless asshole.  Goat (not to be confused with “G.O.A.T.” aka Eli Manning) noises are always funny though, so the sound effects saved it.  Rating – 6.  Much better than…

… this piece of shit.  How many times has “Daddy playing princess” been used as a comedy crutch?  Hey jackass, you’re the dad.  Just tell her to give you the damn Doritos if you want them so bad. And ya know what, if she won’t hand them over, you have money, go buy a bag… shit, I’m sure you paid for those anyway.  What grown men play football like that in the front yard?  Oh and look at that, there’s a random Asian guy in the tag football group. Probably the only Asian other than Dat Nguyen to ever touch a football. Gotta appeal to them all! (Racist Alert – always wanted Nguyen to play for the Giants and line up with Justin Tuck so there could be a play called the “Nip Tuck” formation.)

There’s no chance Kato and a black dude are hanging out with bootleg Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” in the real world.  Also, if she had 5 friggin bags of Doritos, why couldn’t she just let Daddy have one with the promise he’ll play with her later?  Why is she hoarding 5 bags of Doritos anyway?!  I’m sorry but if you’re buying 5 bags, you’re telling me you aren’t mixing in at least one Cool Ranch?  Bullshit.  Terrible.  The kids in the Hyundai commercial above could probably beat these clowns.

This won a million bucks for someone too.  Remember your Grandfather? Yeah, you know em, Poppy Harry? The guy who worked 40 years in a steel mill for 12 hours a day to put bread on his family’s table?  He used to slip you a $5 bill every now and then and tell you not to spend it all on candy.  He made $100,000 in his lifetime.  These guys made a million for a joke that has been done 100,000 times, most recently in an Orville Redenbacher commercial.   Rating – Butt Fumble.

Dare I use the word “adorable?”  I dare not.  I saw this on some “worst” lists, which is ridiculous.  The shit has baby pandas, monkeys and elephants!  That alone makes it a 7.  I’m glad Kia didn’t try to incorporate these assholes.

2/10 would not bang.  Seriously though, this chick doesn’t appeal to me at all.  What am I missing?  I was waiting for Shatner to pop out.  Nothing new here.  You could have done literally anything with the premise and they dropped the ball.  Rating – 4.

What a disgrace.  What is he opposite of giving “eargasms with my mellow accent?”  How can you shit on a classic song like that, Becks? Fuck you.  Rating – Sanchez.

I think the Iron Sheik summed this one up perfectly in one tweet – “Fuck the Leon Sandcastle.”  Rating – 5.

That Paul Rudd is one charming motherfucker.  He and Rogen’s banter was funny.  I was ready to call this my favorite, and then Bob Odenkirk came in and I was all, “ah yeah, this is getting even better.”  … and it didn’t.  It went off the rails. Then Bron Bron made an appearance live via satellite, and in typical Apatow fashion, it went on way too long… but that was the edited for TV version.

This is the extended cut.   Odenkirk slowed it down a bit, but this is pretty hilarious.  Definitely my favorite.  Rating – Eli the God’s big brother.

Here’s the straight to TBS sequel for “Project X.”  Glad they decided to drop the shakey cam for this one.  Seriously though, don’t insult us, Pepsi.  9 years olds have sex parties with booze and drugs these days, teens aren’t drinking Pepsi Next.  Oh, and there’s some great unnatural commercial dialogue from the ‘This Friggin Guy’ actor playing the Dad, “This is real cola taste!”  No one talks like that.  Sneaky cameo from the ginger former child actor in the beginning.  Rating – 3, but only for the fat kid pouring milk over his head.

Look at Gildan running with the big dogs.  Good for you, Gildan… buttt you gave this asshole more work, therefore, I hate your commercial.  Rating – Sanchez.

There were a few other ones I remember but don’t feel like looking up…

Bud had a new black beer or some shit.

Pepsi had some shit with Stevie Wonder playing a voodoo priest or something.  At one point he looked up at (I think) Zoe Saldana like everyone doesn’t know he’s blind.

There was a Wheat Thin commercial that may have been funny, but no lists seem to remember it either.

Some kid drove an Audi and kissed the chick and got punched at Prom.

There was a stupid GoDaddy spot where Danica Patrick was terrible at acting.

The overrated as a motherfucker “Walking Dead” had some sport or something with zombies. Daryl was in one! He was probably checking that house for Sofia.  No offense to Norman Reedus, but between this show and “Boondock Saints,” the guy is cornering the market on disgustingly overrated shit douchebags love.  So Reedus got a Super Bowl commercial, Willem Dafoe got one… somwhere Powder must be crying in a corner.

Coke kept up their tradition of having dogshit ads with some Mad Max vs. Showgirls vs. someone else race for a giant coke in the desert or some shit.  I think the Showgirls ended up winning and saying, “This is real cola taste!”

Taco Bell had 2 ads with Spanish versions of famous songs that were garbage.  The idea was decent, but the Spanish translations sounded like shit in both cases, ruining the potential.

There was a Calvin Klein ad for underwear featuring a basically naked dude.  Nothing rabid football fans want to see more than some model in his manties.  I guess that was for the ladies.

Tracy Morgan did something that wasn’t 30 Rock, so I zoned out.

I think Kate Upton’s voluptuous tits were in 4 commercials, and I’m sure worldwide men high fived their buddies saying she’s the “hottest chick in the world.”  Good for her, getting as much work as possible before the inevitable Anna Nicole Smith transformation is complete.  I’m pretty sure Butt Fumble fucked her.

And of course, last but not least, this…

Gofuckyourself, Godaddy.  While it’s cool to see the world’s greatest extra get some shine, this is one of the most disgusting commercials… probably of all time.  You could have had Bar Refaeli make out with *insert that chick you love here* and those noises would still have made this unsettling.  GoDaddy gives 5 Hour Energy a run for their shitty money.  It’s 2013, we don’t need to see sexy women for 30 seconds, every 5th site you host on the internet is a porn tube… although maybe seeing said sexy women on TV in clothes causes me to go to godaddy hosted porn tube sites… hmmm.  Rating – if you could somehow clone a team full of Sanchez’s.

Hundreds of millions of dollars well spent!  And like always, my (and yours if you read this) time poorly spent.

Time for pitchers and catchers!  … Fuck, I’m a Mets fan.

Classic Shit – The King

Long before Burger King had American stars like Salma Hayek and David Beckham selling pulled porks and their 600 calorie fruit smoothies with this fuck face,  they based most of their advertising around the King.

The King never tested well with people because, “Wahhh, he’s creepy!!!”  But ya know what?  Fuck those sissy marys, the King is the man, and yes, I really like the term “sissy mary.”

How could people not like this guy?

First of all, the NFL films library of music is incredible.  Pair that with just about any video and you have yourself a winning formula.  This track is March to the Trenches in case you are wondering. Second of all, anytime you can shine Daunte Culpepper in a positive light, I’m down.  Those teams were some of the most fun to watch in the past 20 years.  Third of all, the fuckin King kills it!  The first time you saw that, you laughed and you know it.

Here’s the King pick 6’n the Bills to the tune of Round Up, one of the best NFL Films song in my opinion.  The video editing on these commercials are so seamless.  Just look at the King doing Deion’s endzone dance and tell me that’s not great.

I mean, come on!  These are awesome.  That Steve Young scramble was one of the best in NFL history (we all know the scramble by Eli on the Tyree throw is the new GOAT, “Barry Sanders, wahhhh!”) and it’s only made better by the King, just ducking tackle after tackle, gold pendant flapping in the wind.  The song is Forearm Shiver (The Lineman), another great one.

We got a Quincy Carter sighting! I honestly don’t even remember who was on the receiving end here, but the King sells the fuck out of it.  What a grab!  The song is Drive To Glory, not my favorite, but still a good one.

Unless I’m missing one the only problem I have with these commercials is that there wasn’t another one with the best NFL Films song ever…

Just picture the King in place of Franco Harris on the immaculate reception or something to that background music. They must have lost out to Chunky soup for the rights or something.

They probably should have used this as well…

This music is just phenomenal.  As far as I’m concerned the dudes who made this music and John Williams are the Mozarts of the modern age.  Argue me, I dare you.

The King is the best fast food mascot of all time.  Fuck a Ronald McDonald (I fucks with Grimace though), fuck a Jack in the Box, fuck a Wendy… actually seeing the real present day Wendy is a total buzz kill, btw.

*obligatory fat joke*

The King and the NFL were such a tremendous pairing; they even momentarily made Chris Berman tolerable.  This segment was pretty great…

While we’re on the topic of great Burger King ads of the past, find me a better advertising song than this…

You can’t.  You won’t.  Probably making this my ringtone.  Pure perfection.  If you don’t think this is Darius Rucker’s finest moment, well then you my friend are just flat out wrong.

What the hell happened Burger King?  Why did you succumb to the pressure and retire the King?  Bring him back, its football season, gimmie some more of these awesome commercials.  Shit, I’ll take another Darius Rucker ad, he’s not busy.  Actually, just bring the tendercrisp bacon cheddar ranch back while you’re at it, that sandwich was pretty good.

Eli Manning Commercials

FOOOTTTTTBBBBBAALLLLL!!!!!!

Eli Manning is a sneaky-funny dude, he’s led my favorite team to 2 Super Bowl titles, and I love the man.  I love that man and I don’t give a fuck how gay that sounds… but I think I hate his friggin commercials… but you know you can’t spell “commercials” without “Eli.”

Here’s the latest…

Eli shows up in his $20,000 Toyota and stares at Wilford Brimley cat until he jumps down from the tree.  I don’t think I get it.  What’s the message here?  Are they implying that Eli’s success is due to his telekinetic ability to control whatever he stares it?  That’s insulting to Eli, the Giants, their fans, and Jedis alike.  Although to be fair, you can’t spell “telekinesis” without “Eli.”

What’s with the weird “monkey” guy just standing there?  I want to know how much money he got paid for that gig.  He didn’t even get to say “orangutan” in this commercial.  That should be catchphrase. (He’s also in an Ikea commercial, btw.)

And why the hell is Eli helping Me-ma anyway?  She’s a Browns fan.

“Art Modell died!”

Ya see, there are seriously about 100 commercial actors, and 100 only… once you get in the “talent pool,” you’re in for life.

Here’s another “Eli Manning really does drive a Toyota,” commercial… which is 100% bullshit, because the guy has a $100 million contract.  If Eli really did drive a Toyota, I’d be pretty damn disappointed…

The move here would have been to stare at the guy until he stopped playing, then steal his dykey sounding girlfriend.  There’s another one where he starts a black guy’s lawnmower… and it made me realize, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a black guy mowing his lawn… then again, I’m court mandated to stay 500 feet away from all black people.  (just kidding… it’s 1000 feet.)

I’m already sick of these…

Can we all admit that Deion Sanders is a fuckin clown?

First it was the flamboyant suits, then the shitty album, now he’s finally admitting he’s a fairy…  Someone get the fly swatter.

The word “mancave” is really starting to get on my nerves, too.  When did this become the go-to name for the room you watch sports in?  “Mancave” sounds like San Francisco slang for an asshole.  Boom, take that San Francisco, right in your mancaves!

The season is 3 weeks old and there have already been about 20 of these commercials.  The Peyton ones are better… let’s be real though, Peyton is a comedy dynamo.  No knock to Eli but he’s about half as funny as his brother… but Peyton only has half the amount of rannnnggggggs Eli has!

Please remove rings before fapping…

Then we had the seemingly endless campaign with Eli and this doofus…

Talk about a punch me face… I hope Eli let the guy keep that trophy because his mantle is already cluttered with those 2 Superbowl MVPs!!!

fappity, fap fap fap

(Is the internet even still using “fap?”)

I wanted to hate this guy, he was getting on my friggin nerves, but then he went and totally redeemed himself with this one…

He just straight disrespects the Sanchize to his face.  Remember when Mark Sanchez was a thing?  “He made two AFC title games, wahhhh!” Oh yeah? Eli is both a Super Bowl and DSRL Champion…

Eli is the man… the man.  I don’t even care that I’m getting my Yankee fan on by bragging about Eli’s accomplishments… because you know what?   You can’t spell “accomplishments” without “Eli.”

Here are some other words you cannot spell without “Eli” – Athletic, Delightful, Unbelievable, Eliminator, Reliable, Ligendary, Valuible, Incredible, Phenominal, Religion, Champlien and of course, Fellacio.

Off Topic – Eli’s Wikipedia pic cracks me up.  He looks like a politician…. like he just won an election for Assemblyman of some shitty little Louisiana town… which he could do if he wanted to, because you can’t spell “politecs” without “Eli.”

“Thanks Conz, but you suck at spelling.”

You can’t spell “spelling” without “Eli!”

I leave you with Eli’s best commercial…