What Did You Do The Last 5 Hours?

Is 5 Hour Energy the worst?  I think they may be the worst.

They set the shit bar pretty high with the animatronic Cowboy but I think they’ve topped themselves.

Here’s all you need to know about this one…

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I hate the internet term “trolling,” but they have to be “trolling” now.  They just have to be.

So, do you want to know what he did in the last 5 hours?

No?  Neither do I.  I guess we’re good then.  Lock this up people, move along.  I’ll see you soon… en espanol.

 

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5 Hour Energy – Cowboy

I toyed with creating some kind of “Wall of Shame” subcategory for 5 Hour Energy since they have some of the worst ad campaigns of any company… but ultimately I just chose to focus on this one.  Besides, “Wall of Shame” isn’t a clever enough name… especially coming from the guy who brought you “Class Sick Shit.”

It’s pretty comical to me that the casting director for 5 Hour Energy seems to only work for about 5 minutes when finding actors for their ads.  I’m not positive the Cowboy in this commercial is even alive.  There’s a solid chance he was created by the Disney engineers behind the Hall of Presidents animatronics.

This Sheriff Cowboy guy just randomly shows up at a construction site… is he the foreman or something?  Why the hell is he there?  I’d say maybe they’re building in his town, but the town doesn’t look to have any saloons… or be stuck in 1875.  Do Sheriffs like this still exist in the south?

“Stop drinking lattes you faggot ass faggots.”

Why are those guys so intimidated by him? He’s old as shit. Is it because he has a gold star badge on his coat?  Is it his authentic Cowboy hat?  The turquoise bolo tie?  They look like they’re gonna shit their pants because some nosey geriatric dude is asking about their beverages.  A simple “Mind your own fucking business” would have sufficed.(<- is that proper English?)

He offers them 5 Hour Energy, which is packed with B(ullshit) vitamins and nutrients… but it’s pomegranate flavor.  I tried this stuff a few times (Berry and Citrus) and it tasted like vomited up antibiotics. I can only imagine how terrible the pomegranate flavor must be.  He might as well be handing them each a bottle of ipecac.

The guys ditch their sissyboy, fancypant lattes…

“Sho thing Hoss, just don’t hurt us.”

How many times do you think they fucked that shot up?  Doofy had to hit the taller guy at least a couple times with his coffee.  You know that spaz kept the Cowboy on set way too long that day.

“Cut!  Dammit Marvin, again?!  Wardrobe! Can we get another Carhartt jacket on Craig please?!”

The logic of this commercial is that these guys are going to save boatloads of time by having a 5 Hour Energy as opposed to coffee.  Say they work a 10 hour shift, that’s 2 energy shots as opposed to “3 or 4 coffees.”  Factor in an additional urination or two, probably a sloppy port-o-john coffee dump, and maybe… maybe they’re saving 20 minutes.  So with 5 Hour Energy they might be able to hammer a few more floorboards in.  Little does the Cowboy know, Doofy takes a cigarette break every half hour.  You got a problem with that?  Talk to his union head (That’s what he calls his dick.)

Can I just say that Cowboys are the worst?  They’re the worst!  Kids who grew up idolizing Cowboys were the same who stayed in boy scouts until they became mountain lions… or whatever animal is at the top of that merit badge totem pole.  They were the same good Samaritans who wrestled, got their orange belt in karate and played soccer over baseball… and crave wang.

And while I’m the topic of wang craving, fuck the Dallas Cowboys.  As a kid growing up in Jersey, I had to deal with Cowboy fans my whole life… wait, what?  Why is that?  Oh that’s right, because when I was at the age where I was first getting into football, the Cowboys were “America’s Team.”  Frontrunning is lame at any age.  “I was 8” is no excuse.  And can we talk about how ridiculous it is that Jerry Jackass Jones still thinks that self proclaimed moniker is still relevant?  You’re America’s team, like I’m America’s favorite comedy writer.  (I was in fact America’s favorite comedy writer from 1990-1995.)

Even I think posting this pic is tacky.

5 Hour Energy’s slogan is “Hours and hours of energy.”  Right, we understand that, 5 hours of energy. You realize the redundancy there, Cowboy?  That’s like “60 Minutes” having the subtitle “Minutes and minutes of news.”  He even tells the guys 5 Hour Energy lasts “a whole lot of hours.”  Yeah, 5!  5 fuckin hours!  The damn bottle says it clear as day.

How are you gonna pitch an energy stimulant with the most boring, wooden actor imaginable?  I wonder how many episodes of “Walker Texas Ranger” John Plain had to do background work on to land this coveted role?

This shit is the new “Trim-Spa” or “Stacker 2’s.”  Give it a couple of years and some prestigious university will spend $200 million to discover 5 Hour Energy’s adverse health risks, and you won’t see them stacked next to the retarded dog charity cans in 7-11 anymore.

I’m out of energy…