Christmas Wrap-up

“Christmas is over, Conz.”

Yes, yes it is, but there were a lot of really shitty commercials this season and I figured I’d do a rapid fire wrap up.  Why, you ask?

Just let me do my thing, aight?

In case you missed it (You did) I already did an in-depth entry (she didn’t say it) on the Old Navy Griswold commercials

Here are some more of the stupid Christmas commercials from this year…

Good logic in this one.  Why buy a $100 mechanical dancing Santa for your lawn when you can buy a $45,000 Acura?  And why the hell is Santa trying to sell stuff?  Shouldn’t he just give the guy an Acura?

Also, dude in this commercial is in a lot of other ads. “But the pizza came with cheesy breadsticks.”  He’s a prime candidate for a “This Friggin Guy” entry sometime down the line.

This commercial has a similar theme…

This nervy broad got a nice hat for Christmas, and all she can do is bitch about the Hyundai she wanted.  I guess Santa didn’t visit and sell her on them hot new Acura models.  If you ask for car and get a knit hat… a car is probably not in your gift giver’s budget.

The worst part is, the spoiled dame ended up getting her Hyundai.  Let that be a lesson for you.  Don’t like the gift you got?  Just give a pained “thank you” and bring up the real gift you wanted instead.  At least they didn’t put a big obnoxious red bow on the car like Lexus does during their “December to remember” sale.

This commercial absolutely blows.  You know… YOU KNOW… Conz loves him some acapella, but this is just shitty.  Not only is the singing lacking, but it doesn’t even go with the commercial.  It seems like they initially used a completely different song and changed it at the last minute.  It doesn’t fit the theme of the commercial.  Also, I didn’t even know Nautica advertised.  I thought they only did print ads… and I feel like I’ve been seeing the same exact Nautica print ads since 1997, along with this fruity ass Jean Paul Gaultier Sailor that has been in every single Maxim (or similar magazine) since its inception…

jpgad

How the hell is that used to sell products to men?  I don’t understand.

Anyway…

I dig the cause… but the commercial is still annoying.  If Ty Burrell showed up to my door singing like that, I’d tell him to hit the road and come back with Julie Bowen… mmm, Julie Bowen, that’s a sexy woman. I’ll post a pic to make up for the previous one…

juliebowen

You can keep your “ayyyy yayyyyy” Sofia Whatever, gimmie some Bowen.  I love women that get considerably hotter with age.  Go watch “Happy Gilmore,” she’s twice as hot now… but I digress…  Cancer is a motherfucker, so I ain’t mad at Mastercard or Ty Burrell.

Here’s Santa selling cars again, I just don’t understand the concept.  “How much is that in reindeer power?” ahahahahahahahahahahaha.

That was the longest minute in the history of television.

Christ.  I was hoping the Grandfather would just stop her and say, “Ya know what?  If you’re gonna sing again, stay where you are.”

Eh, this one wasn’t bad.  I like it when people fall down go boom.  … that being said, this whole “tap to share” tech is not nearly as amazing as Samsung seems to think it is.

This commercial must have sent Samsung back about $43.  They didn’t even bother to make the elves look like elves.  Lazy.

Hey Toys R’ Us, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  This new version of a classic song fucking sucks.  Also, have you been in one of your stores lately?  You’re on the fast track to K-Mart ville, it’s depressing… shit just thrown on shelves haphazardly and shit.  Shit.

Good God, bring back Ty Burrell.

This commercial is fine.  I got nothin but love for Melo, but man, are these jerseys ugly.  I can’t imagine the NBA sold too many of these.  Just needed my opinion to be heard on that one!

There is no way you’re still reading this, is there?  If you are, what is wrong with you?

Last one…

Guess who’s biz-ack?!

… The commercial equivalent to coal in your stocking.

Hope your Christmas was well.  See you in the new year… probably.

My Christmas Dream

Twas the night before Christmas and… I don’t know what else it’was… but I had some sugar plums dancing in my head, and I came up with a million dollar ($7 American) idea.

First, the inspiration…

I just wanted to give some props to Campbell’s Soup for keeping this ad in circulation…

It reminds me of the days when I wasn’t a bum who gets his (holly) jollies “hating” on commercials and the like, and it also gave me an idea… an idea so good–great even–that I’ll probably regret sharing it with you.

As much as I rail on advertisements, I’d probably watch a TV channel dedicated only to old commercials.

I’ll counter your skepticism…  An entire channel might be excessive, and would probably get old after the 14th time the “Where’s the Beef” woman appeared on screen, but how about a 3-4 hour block every night?

Take one of those stations that has paid programming like the Chopping Tool du jour, or the Ergonomical Toilet that works your legs and abs while you shit (That’s a real product, google it) and replace those obnoxious infomercials with commercials from the days of yore.

Is this a bad idea?  You can tell me.  (Please, tell me, I yearn for human contact.)

It’s not like most of the companies aren’t still around.  It would be beneficial for them.  People might hate Coke, but after seeing those dopey polar bears from their youth, they might go out and doomsday stock on 2 liters.  We see new shitty commercials all day long, why not the old ones?

I realize we live in the YouTube generation and all commercials are at our fingertips, but I’m shooting more at the old, fat, sexless loser demo.  A demo I’m sure I’ll be a key member of one day.  (Pff, yeah right, I’m fuckin ripped, son!)

Some pillhead on a 72 hour bender might turn his life around when “Ads TV” (terrible name, think of a good name for me) reminds him that he was once one of the 10,000,000 strong and growing Flintstone kids! 
And boom, he has a moment of clarity, and the tears start flowing… and flllooowwwwinnggg.

C’mon, this is a spicy meata-ball! (Classic reference!)

Instead of staying up late at night making nut-dough, you can be watching…

“Time to make the nut-dough,” is an outstanding masturbation reference.  You can borrow that one, but I want credit.

I think we need this.  In this everchanging world we live in… makes you give in and cry… LIVE AND LET DIE!  REEHHHH, REHHHHHHHHH, DE-NE-NE DE-NE-NE DE-NEH! DE-NE-NE DE-NENE NE NEH!–sorry.  In this everchanging world we live in, everyone wants a little nostalgia.  Ads TV can fill that void.

Who wants to go halvsies on that with me?  Who would be opposed to that besides Anthony Sullivan and Body By Jake, aka Jake “Don’t call me Seinfeld” Steinfeld?  No one, that’s who.

"Ohhhh, what about Chef Tony, ah?!"

“Ohhhh, what about Chef Tony, ah?!”

Ahhh, go bend some filet knifes and chop some tomatoes ya wop bastard.  (I’m allowed to say that word, because I am one… a bastard.)

So?  Bad idea?  Too many Storage Wars re-runs to air?  There’s a very good chance–great even–that this isn’t even an idea.  There could be a network right now doing this.  There could be laws against it.  It could be one of the oldest television ideas in existence–something you and your stoner friends have discussed over cocoa and jack-off sessions numerous times in the past–but Conz Don’t Care.  Conz is taking all the credit.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal(s).

BTW, if you actually googled the “ergonomical toilet that works your legs and abs while you shit,” punch yourself in the face.

Old Navy – The Griswolds

Conz is back!

*stops writing due to overwhelming fanfare*

Alright, alright, relax.

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.  Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!  I have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix…

Coyote… because I have no fans… and I’m currently not working.

Just don’t get your hopes up, Steve (I’m imagining my one reader’s name is “Steve.”) I’ll probably take the rest of the week off.

I figured since it’s only a little over a week away, I had to do a Christmas commercial for my big comeback entry…

You ever heard the expression, “Don’t sweat the small stuff?”  Well, I can’t help that shit.

Where the hell is Johnny Galecki?  I realize he’s busy, what being on a (s)hit TV show and all.  You’ll notice I put a ‘s’ in brackets before the word “hit,” as I don’t much care for “The Big Bang Theory.”  … To be fair I’ve only seen about 7 minutes of the show, but it was more tedious than this blog post.  The dude that wins the awards literally ran his mouth for 6:54 of the 7 minutes, and then Johnny Galecki was all, “Affirmative!” like a nerdy robot… probably… I don’t know.

So this is the big “Christmas Vacation” reunion.  They got Chevy, fresh off his Community ouster (Can’t say I’ll miss him much, plus the show will be cancelled about 3 episodes later.) They landed Beverly D’Angelo, who has lost about 75 pounds since her role (more like roll!  Got er) on “Entourage.”  And they managed to snag Juliette Lewis… who actually looks really good.  Normally she looks like a strung out, dumpster diving crack whore, but here… nice.  That red hair is working for me, and I’m digging the McKayla Maroney face… must refrain from creeping on McKayla Maroney…

"She's 17, bro."

“She’s 17, bro.”

Instead of Galecki… who is too busy playing bit roles in movies where they thought this cgi was acceptable…

… they got some random ass family, and some blonde chick.  The actual product they’re pushing is terrible. “Pop Pants?” No man should ever wear “colored” jeans.  Seriously, would you wear red jeans, Steve?  The only dudes that can get away with shit like that are Lil’ Wayne and I don’t know, maybe Russell Westbrook.

"Dammmmnn, is that them pop pants?"

“Dammmmnn, is that them pop pants?”

I guess Galecki has some kind of contract stipulation where he refuses to wear purple corduroys.

I just want to pause and give a quick “shout out” to Martin Short for giving far and away the most subtle performance of his career as the narrator of these ads.

I’ll give him a little credit too.  Where I’ve always found him to be obnoxious, almost a poor man’s Robin Williams with his exhausting antics… he did a pretty good job hosting SNL this week.  … Doesn’t make up for his Arrested Development character Uncle Jack, who to this day was the only blemish on that otherwise perfect show.  Shut your mouth, the Rita storyline was great.

Galecki, you son of a bitch.  Anthony Michael Hall was down.  Original Audrey showed up.  Euro Rusty was there… somehow looking exactly the same as he did in “European Vacation.”  I think the other Audrey actually died, no disrespect to her, but her and Euro Rusty were insufferable and far and away the worst duo in the Vacation series.

I guess Ethan Embry and this hot Latina princess…

GriswoldsMarisol

… were also too busy to make it… unless “Christmas Vacation” was the cutoff for these commercials.  That must be it.  Nick Papageorgio ain’t about to big time Old Navy like some ungrateful Galecki.

If I don’t get a Cousin Eddie Old Navy commercial in the next week, I’m gonna be pissed.

Clark’s playing with fire in this one.  Apparently he forgets how slutty Ellen gets around old crooners.

It's Dean Martin's recipe.

It’s Dean Martin’s recipe.

Johnny Mathis? Is he still famous?  Could you have found a more washed up singer?!

Oh.  Yeah.  You could.  Clever.

Hit that SAP button…

Your language humors me.  It’s always a Feliz Navidad when pop pants are under the árbol.  Anything that opens with “Los pantelones…” is cool in Conz’s book… Be on the lookout for my book, Steve.

In conclusion…

(Get ready for another 8 paragraphs of rambling.)

The “Vacation” series is great.  It’s great.  I don’t care if you don’t like “Vegas Vacation,” you’re stupid.  It’s a fine movie.  There’s plenty of good stuff in there.

You’re going to watch “Christmas Vacation” this week, and you’re going to like it.

Clark W. Griswold is the character I associate Chevy Chase with… I’d think that’s the case with most people, but you know damn well there are plenty of people who will always tell you he’s Fletch… or the dude from Caddyshack even though that’s the 2nd best golf movie of all time.

You done got me started.

Yeah I said it, old people.  Danny Noonan and his ugly ass Irish girlfriend, and “nanananananana,”and “rat farts,” and Bill Murray acting like a retard… fuck that noise.  Happy Gilmore for life!

And to all you who think because I just made that claim that I think “Happy” is Adam Sandler’s best movie… nope.

“Billy Madison” is the GOAT, why must you try and convince yourself otherwise?  Can you believe some people actually think it’s “The Wedding Singer?”  And so help me God, the “Punch Drunk Love” people?

And why must we look back retrospectively on Sandler’s career and say stupid shit like “He’s always been terrible,” because Happy Madison churns out the worst comedies these days?  Sandler is a comedy icon, just like Chevy, yet neither of them get any respect anymore..  Fast Forward to the end of this entry for the definitive top 10 Adam Sandler movie list…

So anyway, what was I talking about?  Chevy Chase or something, right?

Vacation movies go as followed:

  1. Christmas
  2. Vacation
  3. Vegas
  4. European
  5. No one has seen the Cousin Eddie made for cable version.

Apparently this is coming out http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1524930/ too.

Any time I see a (????) next to an imdb title, I immediately write off any confirmed cast, but I could handle Ed Helms at the helm…s.  Fuck me.  Those dudes wrote “Horrible Bosses” which was good, so why not?  And by “those dudes,” I mean this little fucker…

GriswoldsJFD

He’s a big comedy writer now.  Judd Apatow has made more careers than… finish this attempt at a joke, I don’t know of anyone who has made careers.  Also, what exactly is a “career?”

You’re probably really sick of reading this entry, so I’ll leave you with a treat.  The best part of any Vacation movie…

Hot. Fire. … but how is that the video?

Happy Holidays… and by that I mean “Merry Christmas.”

– Conz

Ok, ok, since you’ve stuck around this long Steve, here are my definitive… DEFINITIVE… top 10 Adam Sandler movies…

  1. Billy Madison
  2. Happy Gilmore

Too lazy to finish.

RIP John Hughes.  Go ‘Yotes.  ¡a diverterse ya!  Merry Christmas.

I’m Back!

Nah… I’m not really.

Hurricane Sandy knocked my shit out for 2 weeks and I haven’t watched any TV outside of football, so I’m way behind on my commercials… also, I don’t really care and I know you don’t either, so I’ll let you know if I ever decide to do more of these.

 

Trailer Thursday – Full House with Johnny Chan

This is a trailer… technically.  I’ll call it a TV trailer, but there is no chance in hell this ever airs on television.  I don’t expect you to watch all 6 minutes, but if you’re looking to feel better about yourself, go through with it.

This entry will probably just be me talking about poker, so if you have no interest, feel free to leave after watching the awful trailer.  (You planned on doing that anyway.)

Now, without further ado, find out what happens when poker players stop being polite… and start getting real!

If this isn’t a perfect microcosm of how reality TV has ruined society, I don’t what is.

You have Johnny Chan and a very disinterested looking Doyle Brunson (I read he had no clue what this project even was, and that’s evident) playing heads up with the same chip set every Tom, Dick, and Harry plays with in their weekly home game.

$53 at Costco

There’s no better giveaway that you’re watching an awful poker scene than these chips.  If you ever see a movie centered on gambling that has these chips, turn it off, the action won’t even be close to authentic.  How am I supposed to take you seriously if you can’t spring for a custom chip set?

Chan and Brunson (I feel bad lumping Doyle in with this) have a combined 20 World Series of Poker bracelets… but most of them came before the 2002 poker boom.  Not to take anything away from them, but those numbers should have big fat Barry Bonds asterisks next to them.  To win those 20 bracelets they probably beat collective fields that don’t even equal the main event entries this year.   Chan is still skating by on his back to back main event wins, and his brief cameo in “Rounders.”  No one cares about him anymore, yet he still tells you he’s “the most famous poker player in the world.”  … At least I think he does.  That dude is hard to understand.

The intro scene with him walking down the stairs welcoming us to his mansion is straight comedy gold.  I wonder how many takes they had to film before they were satisfied with that.

For a guy with the worst fashion sense on the planet…

… I have to say, his house is pretty classy.  I have to assume they aren’t duping us, this is probably his actual house, but who knows, they could have just rented it for the summer.  It’s not very furnished.

I don’t understand the concept of this show at all.  Johnny has 5 players live in his house.  He stakes them each 200 grand, and each night 2 of them play a “nigh” handed poker game… in which the viewer can also play?  How?  What?  So when these 5 clowns go busto, Johnny’s out a million bucks?  These are the players he chose to back?  How the fuck do I factor into this?

We get some brief description about what a poker player’s life is like from the unattractive, cartoonish cast.   There’s a great slo mo “sexy” shot of the chick in the cast.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s not hideous, but she’s definitely not hot enough for a Phoebe Cates pool exit shot.

“You’re nuts Conz, I’m at least a ‘nigh’ out of ten.”

In kicks the generic techno beat, that I could make in 13 minutes on Fruity Loops.

Let’s meet the cast…

No… unfortunately Stamos declined.  How the hell are they even allowed to use the name “Full House?”  I mean, I get it, the name makes sense to the show, poker hand, house full of people, clever!  But seriously, I hope they get sued.

Alright, here’s the real cast…

We’ve got Simon, the playboy.  Every chick on his arm is ugly.  Not in an “I’m an internet pussy slayer, I call every chick ugly” kinda way either.  Those chicks aren’t attractive.  He tells us in perfect English that he will use his youth and… European heritage to his advantage?  Young Euros are “agro spewtards” so he’s gonna play off that image.  He likes to berate players to get them out of their comfort zone with such zingers as, “You called me with that?”  The guy at the table who uses generic lines like that is usually terrible at poker.  They’re the same guy who folds pre-flop and then claims they had aces with a wink.  Or the guy who berates you for 3 betting pre-flop causing him to fold his 6-7 which would have flopped a straight.

Then we meet the token Asian player.  He considers playing poker “stealing candy from a child,” because using the actual saying “stealing candy from a baby,” just ain’t his style. Jay, the “Genius.”  Looks like they’re gonna hit on every poker cliché.  He’s very methodical at the table using such mind games as showing one card and asking his opponent if he’s scared…

Genius at work.

Naturally, it’s the ace of spades… why wouldn’t it be?  He takes down the pot with Ace high and proclaims he “Pays his rent in Euro baby!”  That might be my favorite catchphrase ever.  What does that even mean?  Also, what ballers pay rent?  Ballers own they shit outright, son.

Simon asks his housemates if they’ve seen the next cast member… wow.  They’re really gonna make this show have attempts at acting and storylines, aren’t they?  Have mercy!

Estevan, aka “Chico Loco” is sleeping in the bed of his pick-up truck down the road.  Uh-oh, this must be the crazy guy.  Look out Simon.  Estevan’s girl looks like Chun Li from Street Fighter went on an ‘In and Out’ burger bender, and then fought E Honda with her hands tied behind her back…

Estevan is all about discipline… which isn’t where I thought that character was going.  I expected him to be super aggressive, the guy who asks “Can I straddle?” the second he sits down at a table, but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover… except his girl… you can judge her by her cover… yeesh!

Next is the “hot” pool chick, Malia aka “The Queen of Hearts” … really clever stuff.  Naturally we see her in bed with Simon the Playboy.  That boy can flat out play.  She throws out the “being a female is an advantage” card… and then probably loses a lot in cards because that’s a load of bullshit.

Matt, the “Bully,” gets thrown in the pool by his crazy castmates.  Oh man, the hijinx on this show!  The Bully has become the bullied!  He claims poker tables are full of wannabes and posers… everyone on this show is a wannabe or a poser, so he’s the first guy I actually feel is genuine.  Nah, ya know what?  Fuck this dude.  He slow rolls the shit out the old guy.  He uses the classic poker joke “I have two pair,” then flips quads.  Get it?  Two pairs of queens = four queens!  Fuckin bully.

They lounge by the pool.  Matt throws a football like a sissy…

Estevan attempts to catch said football like a sissy, and Johnny Chan the Master gets in on the hijinx by throwing Chico Loco in the pool.  … Then he throws Chun Li in the pool for good measure.  That’s three times we’ve seen someone thrown in the pool, and it gets more hilarious each time.  At this point I had completely forgotton about Chan’s involvement.

The crew hits the strip, drinks, sees the sights, blah blah blah.  We get the iconic “Entourage” style walk towards the camera…

“Oh yeah. Oh yea-ahhh!”

That must have been absolutely hilarious to witness.  The camera guy holding his camera low and walking backwards in front of these 6 nobodies…

“When they play, they play hard…”

They be clubbin.

“When they work, they don’t play around…”

They sit in a poker strategy session with the Master.  With a slick camera trick, the Genius plays heads up with Texas Dolly himself. That should give the audience hope that this shit means business.  We got camera trickery.  We know what the fuck we’re doing!

This is the new generation.  THIS is “Full House with Johnny Chan!”

THIS looks like one of the biggest pieces of shit ever made…

You’re probably thinkin, “Man, who the fuck are you?  What gives you the right to talk shit?”  Who am I?  I’m a guy who has won $1100 in one poker session.  $1100!  If that doesn’t make me an authority on all things poker, I don’t what does.

All that being said… I plan on watching every single episode webisode of this.  Why?  Because I’m a fuckin loser that’s why.  I just blogged about an obscure poker reality show that may not ever see the light of day… you need more reasoning than that?

Local Shit – Ridgewood Savings Bank

Ridgewood Savings Bank seems to only have branches in New York, so a lot of you have probably never seen these low budge crapfests.  (Like I have readers outside of the tri-state area… or in the tri-state area…)

So Nappy Gilmore (“He doesn’t even have hair, racist!”) lines up for a putt.  There’s a slight break to the left, let’s hope he’s factored that into this approach… where’s he going?  Someone must have fucked up his concentration by yelling “mashed potatoes!”

Oh, ya know what?  He actually just had the sudden realization he forgot to pay his mortgage.  I mean, yeah, that’s something people often “forget” to do.  How do you forget something like that and remember it on the golf course?  He clearly wasn’t concentrating hard on that putt.  Now he only has 20 minutes to get his cart to the local Ridgewood!  I’d imagine he’s gonna drive pretty recklessly.  I hope that cart is insured by Geico.

Ha!  Yeah right! Get with the times, Nap, Ridgewood has mobile banking now… because they’re a bank and it’s 2012.  Not only can you pay your mortgage from the palm of your hand, you can check balances, and transfer funds.  His friend kindly points this all out… then some lemonade wench butts in and tells him he needs to download the app to his phone or tablet… because I’m sure tons of guys bring their tablets to the links.  Also, mind your own goddamn business tuts, you don’t work for Ridgewood, you sell lemonade, a job that can literally be held by 5 year olds… but not me.  I’m not even qualified to sell lemonade.

With that weight off his back, our boy sinks his putt and does a subdued take on a Tiger Woods fist pump…

His friend is now bitter he told him about the app.  He’d sooner watch his friend lose his house than get outscored on the 8th hole.  Then, they just drive through the fairway like they own the place.

The acting in this one is pretty shitty, but ultimately it’s a good commercial… It’s just refreshing to see another African American golfer.  Before Tiger, the only black guys I’d ever seen on the green were Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley…

and this dude, my favorite actor of all time…

The actors in this commercial can take a lesson from this dude.  Look at the little confident nod at the end of his line delivery.  He knows he killed it.

I bet if Ridgewood had a do-over they’d cast that dude, and this guy…

Shit, I’d do my banking with Ridgewood and there isn’t even one within an hour of me.  No worries, Ridgewood has mobile banking!  Ah, ya see, it all comes full circle. (NOTE – That was all a lie, I’m broke as fuck.)

I see this one from time to time as well…

These two broads fight over the bill, but Yellow Shirt gives up wayyyyy too easily.  She knew what she was doing.  I respect her grind.  I use this one from time to time.  Make the initial offer so it looks like you’re a good person, and when the other person insists, back down.

All of a sudden it registers that she might not have enough in her account to pay for lunch.  And blah blah, and the friend shows the app, and the Waiter is naturally a shill for Ridgewood, and blah blah, and who cares.  Not enough golf.  She checks it out and realizes she has enough to pay and they all live happily ever after.  I bet you’re wondering what they had for lunch.  Yellow Shirt had the chicken alfredo, Short Hair had the steak and ???

Conz Don’t Care

about no Monday blogs…

Too lazy.  I’ll probably whip one up tonight during Game 7, because this NLCS isn’t grabbing me at all.  It’s hard to get excited about last year’s champion playing the previous year’s champion for a chance to play for another championship.

Thanks to those who read this shit.  Props to the guy who googled “fat fuck playing mandolin in geico ad” and found my blog, and I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Since this is a commercial blog with no commercial appeal, I’ll leave you with this… one of the all time greatest PSAs.  God bless Canada…