Trailer Thursday Catch-Up

I know you’ve all been waiting anxiously for me to address this… well, the time hath come.

So every “Trailer Thursday” blog I wrote had a Rotten Tomato score prediction at the end and I was curious to see how wrong I’ve been.

Alex Cross

I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 55% with good word of mouth.  It’s gonna flop though, I don’t expect Perry’s usual audience to flock to this…

Critics said – 12%  … Off to a good start.  To be fair—to be fair, I was only 43% off.  Jesus, what a terrible guess.  I honestly thought some critics would go in unbiased and just judge it on the actual story, but I guess Tyler Perry the story were that bad.  At least I knew it would flop.

Battle of the Year: The Dream Team 3D

I said – The battle of the year is gonna be whether this can finish in the top 5 at the box office in it’s opening weekend.  I guarantee Chris Brown gets a Razzie nomination for this, and judging from his acting in the trailer… and his life choices… he deserves it.

Critics have yet to speak as this movie has apparently been pushed back again.  That’s always a good sign… although somehow 73% of the audience at rottentomatoes WANT to see this.

A Christmas Story 2

I said – I’m sure some people will say this is just a DVD release.  It’s no harm no foul and it won’t take away from the original, but to me that’s blasphemous.  Nothing is sacred anymore.  The fact that they are pairing this in DVD sets with the original is a damn shame.  Sadly people will probably flock to buy it for their collection too.  Like I said, I usually don’t get up in arms over sequels… but this is just too damn much.  Fuck this movie.  This is definitely not why Jesus died for our sins.

I’m starting to realize that I haven’t been consistent with my structure… or this blog… or my life choices, but fuck it I already started writing this.

Critics said – I guess they don’t even bother with non-theatrical releases.  41% of the audience liked it though, which is way more than expected.

Here Comes the Boom

I said – I won’t act like this is the worst looking movie of all time.  It certainly doesn’t look good though, especially if you know of “Warrior’s” existence.  I’ll probably watch it the same way I’ve seen every Kevin James movie… at 12:30 on a Tuesday night on Starz.  Go watch “Warrior” instead.  Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 47%

Critics said – 38% — I’m getting closer.

Pitch Perfect

I said – I’m thinking that Kendrick-Snow lesbian shower scene will hit the cutting room floor unfortunately, so I’ll say my Rotten Tomatoes prediction is 58%.  Critics like Anna Kendrick and they’ll probably rave about how fat funny that funny fat girl is.

Critics said – 80% — I’m really bad at this.  I’ve actually heard good things about this movie, so I’m planning on checking it out soon.

Trouble with the Curve

I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 76%  Critics love that firecrotch Amy Adams.

Critics said – 51% — *sigh* I guess I’m not gonna quit my fake day job.

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

I said – I didn’t check Rotten Tomatoes.  I’m not even sure they review movies like this, but my guess is 24% because some critics will write it off as a “silly” kids movie.

Critics said – 29% There we go.


I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score (because I was so close the last time) – 62%

Critics said – 67% — It’s a shame you’re no longer reading this, because I’m nailing it right now!

The Expendables 2

I said – I apparently didn’t… but I’m taking a stab right now – 60%

Critics said – 65% — Came on strong, no one stayed to see.

And with that, I conclude this, the most pointless of entries yet.

SURVEY SAYS – I suck at this.


Trailer Thursday – Full House with Johnny Chan

This is a trailer… technically.  I’ll call it a TV trailer, but there is no chance in hell this ever airs on television.  I don’t expect you to watch all 6 minutes, but if you’re looking to feel better about yourself, go through with it.

This entry will probably just be me talking about poker, so if you have no interest, feel free to leave after watching the awful trailer.  (You planned on doing that anyway.)

Now, without further ado, find out what happens when poker players stop being polite… and start getting real!

If this isn’t a perfect microcosm of how reality TV has ruined society, I don’t what is.

You have Johnny Chan and a very disinterested looking Doyle Brunson (I read he had no clue what this project even was, and that’s evident) playing heads up with the same chip set every Tom, Dick, and Harry plays with in their weekly home game.

$53 at Costco

There’s no better giveaway that you’re watching an awful poker scene than these chips.  If you ever see a movie centered on gambling that has these chips, turn it off, the action won’t even be close to authentic.  How am I supposed to take you seriously if you can’t spring for a custom chip set?

Chan and Brunson (I feel bad lumping Doyle in with this) have a combined 20 World Series of Poker bracelets… but most of them came before the 2002 poker boom.  Not to take anything away from them, but those numbers should have big fat Barry Bonds asterisks next to them.  To win those 20 bracelets they probably beat collective fields that don’t even equal the main event entries this year.   Chan is still skating by on his back to back main event wins, and his brief cameo in “Rounders.”  No one cares about him anymore, yet he still tells you he’s “the most famous poker player in the world.”  … At least I think he does.  That dude is hard to understand.

The intro scene with him walking down the stairs welcoming us to his mansion is straight comedy gold.  I wonder how many takes they had to film before they were satisfied with that.

For a guy with the worst fashion sense on the planet…

… I have to say, his house is pretty classy.  I have to assume they aren’t duping us, this is probably his actual house, but who knows, they could have just rented it for the summer.  It’s not very furnished.

I don’t understand the concept of this show at all.  Johnny has 5 players live in his house.  He stakes them each 200 grand, and each night 2 of them play a “nigh” handed poker game… in which the viewer can also play?  How?  What?  So when these 5 clowns go busto, Johnny’s out a million bucks?  These are the players he chose to back?  How the fuck do I factor into this?

We get some brief description about what a poker player’s life is like from the unattractive, cartoonish cast.   There’s a great slo mo “sexy” shot of the chick in the cast.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s not hideous, but she’s definitely not hot enough for a Phoebe Cates pool exit shot.

“You’re nuts Conz, I’m at least a ‘nigh’ out of ten.”

In kicks the generic techno beat, that I could make in 13 minutes on Fruity Loops.

Let’s meet the cast…

No… unfortunately Stamos declined.  How the hell are they even allowed to use the name “Full House?”  I mean, I get it, the name makes sense to the show, poker hand, house full of people, clever!  But seriously, I hope they get sued.

Alright, here’s the real cast…

We’ve got Simon, the playboy.  Every chick on his arm is ugly.  Not in an “I’m an internet pussy slayer, I call every chick ugly” kinda way either.  Those chicks aren’t attractive.  He tells us in perfect English that he will use his youth and… European heritage to his advantage?  Young Euros are “agro spewtards” so he’s gonna play off that image.  He likes to berate players to get them out of their comfort zone with such zingers as, “You called me with that?”  The guy at the table who uses generic lines like that is usually terrible at poker.  They’re the same guy who folds pre-flop and then claims they had aces with a wink.  Or the guy who berates you for 3 betting pre-flop causing him to fold his 6-7 which would have flopped a straight.

Then we meet the token Asian player.  He considers playing poker “stealing candy from a child,” because using the actual saying “stealing candy from a baby,” just ain’t his style. Jay, the “Genius.”  Looks like they’re gonna hit on every poker cliché.  He’s very methodical at the table using such mind games as showing one card and asking his opponent if he’s scared…

Genius at work.

Naturally, it’s the ace of spades… why wouldn’t it be?  He takes down the pot with Ace high and proclaims he “Pays his rent in Euro baby!”  That might be my favorite catchphrase ever.  What does that even mean?  Also, what ballers pay rent?  Ballers own they shit outright, son.

Simon asks his housemates if they’ve seen the next cast member… wow.  They’re really gonna make this show have attempts at acting and storylines, aren’t they?  Have mercy!

Estevan, aka “Chico Loco” is sleeping in the bed of his pick-up truck down the road.  Uh-oh, this must be the crazy guy.  Look out Simon.  Estevan’s girl looks like Chun Li from Street Fighter went on an ‘In and Out’ burger bender, and then fought E Honda with her hands tied behind her back…

Estevan is all about discipline… which isn’t where I thought that character was going.  I expected him to be super aggressive, the guy who asks “Can I straddle?” the second he sits down at a table, but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover… except his girl… you can judge her by her cover… yeesh!

Next is the “hot” pool chick, Malia aka “The Queen of Hearts” … really clever stuff.  Naturally we see her in bed with Simon the Playboy.  That boy can flat out play.  She throws out the “being a female is an advantage” card… and then probably loses a lot in cards because that’s a load of bullshit.

Matt, the “Bully,” gets thrown in the pool by his crazy castmates.  Oh man, the hijinx on this show!  The Bully has become the bullied!  He claims poker tables are full of wannabes and posers… everyone on this show is a wannabe or a poser, so he’s the first guy I actually feel is genuine.  Nah, ya know what?  Fuck this dude.  He slow rolls the shit out the old guy.  He uses the classic poker joke “I have two pair,” then flips quads.  Get it?  Two pairs of queens = four queens!  Fuckin bully.

They lounge by the pool.  Matt throws a football like a sissy…

Estevan attempts to catch said football like a sissy, and Johnny Chan the Master gets in on the hijinx by throwing Chico Loco in the pool.  … Then he throws Chun Li in the pool for good measure.  That’s three times we’ve seen someone thrown in the pool, and it gets more hilarious each time.  At this point I had completely forgotton about Chan’s involvement.

The crew hits the strip, drinks, sees the sights, blah blah blah.  We get the iconic “Entourage” style walk towards the camera…

“Oh yeah. Oh yea-ahhh!”

That must have been absolutely hilarious to witness.  The camera guy holding his camera low and walking backwards in front of these 6 nobodies…

“When they play, they play hard…”

They be clubbin.

“When they work, they don’t play around…”

They sit in a poker strategy session with the Master.  With a slick camera trick, the Genius plays heads up with Texas Dolly himself. That should give the audience hope that this shit means business.  We got camera trickery.  We know what the fuck we’re doing!

This is the new generation.  THIS is “Full House with Johnny Chan!”

THIS looks like one of the biggest pieces of shit ever made…

You’re probably thinkin, “Man, who the fuck are you?  What gives you the right to talk shit?”  Who am I?  I’m a guy who has won $1100 in one poker session.  $1100!  If that doesn’t make me an authority on all things poker, I don’t what does.

All that being said… I plan on watching every single episode webisode of this.  Why?  Because I’m a fuckin loser that’s why.  I just blogged about an obscure poker reality show that may not ever see the light of day… you need more reasoning than that?

Trailer Thursday – Alex Cross

I said I wasn’t gonna do this one, but tough shit.

Must refrain from cheap Madea jokes…

I’m not gonna sit here and shit on Tyler Perry.  I actually have a ton of respect for the guy, he’s Dude Oprah, the dude version of Oprah, “Broprah” if you will… the guy has turned his cornball stage plays and movies into  a half billion dollar empire.  How can I not respect that?  … but seriously, what the fuck is he doing in this movie?

Actors are actors… if that makes sense.  He’s free to attempt any role he can get, but I’m just not buying him at all in this role.  He’s got a gravelly Batman thing going on with his voice, the “grizzled cop” schtick, and that shit ain’t workin.  He’s just not a tough guy and he cannot and should not be marketed as one.

What this says to me is the studio signed James Patterson to a lifetime contract and had to make this movie.  They sat around a table for fifteen minutes before one brave executive finally had the nerve to ask, “Are there even any mid-level black bankable actors left?”  Denzel and Will Smith are way too big to play Alex Cross.  Morgan Freeman is too old now, and too busy filming the live action version of Dr. Suess’s “Hop on Pop” with his granddaughter.

They fuckin

Dude better take it easy or he’s gonna be Morgan Convict… eh?  heh?  No?  Fuck ya.

Jamie Foxx is playing Django, Don Cheadle is on TV and is far from an action hero despite his terrible supporting role as War Machine.  Who else is there?  Terrance Howard, who hasn’t played an action hero since his terrible supporting role as War Machine?

They just said, “Fuck it. Tyler Perry put asses in seats.”  Thing is, had they gone with Idris Elba like everyone wanted, this movie would actually look kinda good.   It looks like it has some pretty good action scenes, and Matthew Fox’s character “Picasso” (lolz) seems pretty interesting.  He likes to inflict pain, and just to reaffirm that, in a great trailer moment, Tyler tells him he’s “sick and twisted.”  … Oh, and he looks fuckin ridiculous…

“We have to go back, Kate. WE HAVE TO GO BAAAACCKKKK… to the GYMMMM.”

He plays some ex-military, now cage fighting serial killer, which is a far cry from his last big character… a guy deserted far away who fought and cried a lot.  There are rumors that Fox is a loose cannon in real life, and I’d think you’d kinda have to be to get in the kind of shape he’s in for this movie.  (No homo, of course.  I mentioned a man’s physique; I do not want you to think I’m a homo.) I could easily google his work out regime to prepare for this role, but I’m not going to.  Do it yourself.

There are a few more recognizable actors in this movie.  John C. McGinley, aka Dr. Cox, is following up his role in a State Farm commercial by slumming it as the cop who calls the more important cop.  This guy is a great character actor, he should be doing better.  Edward Burns, a guy who was in “Saving Private Ryan” and then nothing else even close to good is also in it.  Either he or McKinley die in this movie… book that shit. Giancarlo “Gus Fring” Esposito is apparently in it too, so that bodes well for the movie.  Jean Reno is in there somewhere.  Rachel Nichols (not the ESPN chick who is hot sometimes, but gross other times) is also in it apparently despite barely being in the trailer.  She’s an underrated hot actress…

This movie has a lot going for it… but I still can’t get over Tyler Perry, action star.

I mean, to be fair to Tyler Perry, the only thing I’ve ever seen him in was a 2 minute scene in “Star Trek.”  Maybe he’s a good actor and I’m just judging a book by its black cover. (“Why’s it gotta be a black thing?) Nah.  There’s no way his usual bullshit is good.  That shit looks impossibly unfunny… and I know impossibly unfunny.

It is actually pretty refreshing to see a Tyler Perry product’s trailer without this fucking guy dancing around in it though…

Very funny.

This seems like the type of movie that gets written off by critics, and unknown bloggers alike, but then shocks the hell out of everyone and actually turns out to be good.  We’ll see.

Oh shit, I almost forgot the best thing about the trailer… the tagline.

“Don’t ever cross Alex Cross.”

Yes!  All eponymous movie titles should have taglines like that.  THAT is how you sell the fuck out of a movie.  That’s a poster.  Just a pic of a mean looking Ty with “Don’t ever cross Alex Cross” blasted across his torso.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 55% with good word of mouth.  It’s gonna flop though, I don’t expect Perry’s usual audience to flock to this… uh-uh, hellllll no child. (That’s how I imagine Madea talks.)

Trailer Thursday – Battle of the Year: The Dream Team 3D

There are no good trailers this week.  I could have done “Alex Cross” with Tyler Perry and a ridiculous looking Matthew Fox, but I decided to talk about a flick from another Lost alum… Are you ready for da battle of da year?

Where do I even start with this one?

Sawyer is a great basketball coach/hobo who falls on hard times.  He’s contacted by the black mafia — I believe they go by the “Junior M.A.F.I.A.” moniker – to coach a breakdancing, or “B-Boy” squad because as we all know a great coach can take any team, in any sport to the top.

Bullllllshit.  Has this theory ever been put to the test?  If you tossed Vince Lombardi behind a hockey bench, do you really think he’d win a title?   Probably not, because he’s been dead for a long time, but you understand my skepticism, right?  Would Mike Krischeferosjtjhtjhdadahtermjnurthejrtsky… or “Coach K” use his leadership skills to bring a girl’s soccer team to prominence?  Probably not.  This movie is already perpetrating lies to the audience.

Anyway the Junior M.A.F.I.A. tell Sawyer that he can “get money” if he turns a rag tag group of thugs (and Drake and Josh) into America’s first breaking champs in 15 years.

They go and train at an old prison… ironically Chris Brown, a guy who should be getting a train ran on him in prison (“Run it, run it”) is on the team.   Look at the move the kid does at :58, then look at Chris Brown’s shitty attempt at the same move immediately after.  Who cut this trailer?

We get a barrage of cliché “this means everything to me” quotes from the crew.  Chris Brown gets punched in the face.  I think we’re supposed to see that and say “Ha!  Sweet justice!”  Then Sawyer cuts him from the team.   I like to think he had a great Sawyeresque nickname for him as he packed him into the cab.  “Hit the road, Simon Phoenix’s gay brother.”  (Most obscure movie reference award goes to…)

Chris Brown is such a piece of shit, I don’t even want to get into it.  I’m not even basing this off his beatdown of Ri-Ri, I’m basing it off his body of work.  Dude is probably the biggest asshole in the music industry today.  Stop acting so damn hard, you’re a fuckin R&B singer.

Well, the trailer led us to believe Brown was cut… but he shows up in the next frame, so I guess maybe it was someone else?  Anyway, they train, they bond, they dance, they live, they learn, they battle, they dream… they team.

A girl shows up.  Chris Brown attempts to rape her.  She’s sassy, blah blah blah.

They go to the “Olympics of their sport” in Paris…


…and face some Koreans because they’re the hot villain du jour.  They bring the trophy back for America.  Finally!  I bet there is an obnoxious “U-S-A” chant after Chris Brown does a triumphant victory sealing flip that isn’t anywhere near as impressive as every other move done by professional B-Boys in the film.

Then, after coming home to zero fan fare, they place third on MTV’s “ABDC” starring Mario Lopez and JC of N Sync… probably.

Holy shit, we have a trailer first!  The characters in the movie actually promote the 3D with a hands-in… pep shout?  I’m not sure what the fuck those are called, but man, that’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen in a long time.

Wow.  What a fuckin trailer!  Ya know what the worst part of this is?  The title.  What’s with the “Dream Team” subtitle?  You realize a generation of kids are gonna associate this movie and not the 92 Olympic team with that name?  That’s terrible.  Educate your children.  Tell them about the greatest team to ever step on the hardwood.  Share your greatest Christian Laettner memories with your children, people!

4 white guys?!

Can we talk about Josh Peck’s transformation for a second?  Kid went from Jimmy Dean…

“Sausage patties!”

… to James Dean.

“Sausage Fests!”

Dude must have done barrels of coke.  He definitely thinks he’s hot shit now, just look at his stupid serious face in the trailer.  You’ll always be that little fat kid to me, Peck.  Does he even dance in this movie?  What the fuck is he even doing there?  Nice job in “The Wackness” though… underrated.

This trailer has all the things I look for in a terrible movie:

1: a terrible voice over guy.  No great movie has ever had a trailer with one of these generic voices narrating it.

2: unnecessarily dark sports scenes and shitty uniforms.  Why the hell is the basketball court so damn dark?  Tom Bodett clearly doesn’t own and operate this gymnasium. (Most obscure commercial reference award goes to…)

Look at the opponents’ jersey.  You’re telling me they couldn’t even spring for a logo?  Maybe it’s just me, but that takes me right out of a scene.  I believe Space Jam is real over this crap.  At least they had sweet ass jerseys in that movie.

3: extremely dramatic overtones for stupid subject matter.  “When the world’s against you, it all comes down to one thing…”  Spoiler Alert – it’s teamwork!  The dialogue in this trailer is fuckin painful.

4: the line “That’s what I’m talking about!”

5: musician acting.

6: January release date.

Poor Josh Holloway.  One minute he’s on the greatest network drama of all time, fingerbanging Kate, killing Others, just straight making the island his… and one shitty finale later, he’s slumming it in “Battle of the Year.”  I hope you’re happy, Cuse and Lindelof.

The battle of the year is gonna be whether this can finish in the top 5 at the box office in it’s opening weekend.  I guarantee Chris Brown gets a Razzie nomination for this, and judging from his acting in the trailer… and his life choices… he deserves it.

You wanna watch a real movie about a guy turning a group of thugs into a well oiled dancing machine?  Watch this…

Sing it with me, Ba Na Na Way! Ba Na Na Way, Ba Na Na!

Trailer Thursday – A Christmas Story 2

After all these years, they finally made an “official” sequel to “A Christmas Story!”

People bitch and moan about sequels too much.  There are few things I hate more than overcritical people who bitch and critique the hard work of other people (wink!)  “Wah, Hollywood doesn’t have any more original ideas!”  “Wahh, too many sequels, prequels, and reboots!”  Well, in this case I agree with them one hundred percent.  What the fuck was that?!

I can’t believe this is real.  There have been a few other “Ralphie” movies, but I can’t believe they went back to this well.  Nothing about this looks good.  I mean, just look at older Ralphie…

What an ugly fuck.  What the hell is with his hair?  Not to get all gay stylist on you, but Ralphie had light blond hair… now he has orange hair.  Did he dye it?  Does your hair change color like that as you mature?  Maybe it’s Maybelline.

All our favorite characters are back, like little rambunctious Randy, who I can already tell isn’t nearly as good as the original actor.

Flick and Schwartz are there too!  It looks like they supply most of the comic relief, like touching some woman’s tit and getting chased down an escalator….  Judging from the completely ridiculous sound effect used in their candy cane fight, I wouldn’t be shocked if the chase scene is accompanied but this…

Oh and my favorite character, “Mom” is also back!  I guess I never realized she didn’t have a name.  Daniel Stern, the only recognizable actor in this piece of shit, plays “The Old Man.”  What happened to Daniel Stern?  This is the best he can get?  The guy has been in some great movies… um, does “Bushwhacked” ring a bell?  He’s not pulling this role off at all. Brian Madison must be rolling over in his grave.

They hit all the same story beats as the original.  The Old Man just yells incoherent shit while he fixes appliances in the house.  Ralphie wants a car this time instead of a gun, which is ironic, because watching this trailer made me want a gun.  There’s a wise cracking Santa Claus.  Flick and Schwartz are still retards.  There’s a stupid gift from Aunt Clara, except this time, Randy has to wear it!

How is that funnier than the pink bunny suit?

Oh yeah, and the lamp is back… because why the fuck wouldn’t it be?

I’m gonna assume that early in the movie Old Man reminisces about the best gift he ever received, and it’s going to resonate with Ralphie.  He’s gonna buy it at the department store he works at, and surprise his pops with it.  Book that shit!

The gun will probably be mounted on Ralphie’s bedroom wall too, as a nod to the audience.  “Hey, you guys remember this?!  Remember how much you loved the first one?!  Well this is the ‘official sequel,’ so you should love it too!”  I’m actually curious to see how they handle the car reveal.  Where the hell are they gonna hide that jalopy?  The Bumpus’s driveway?  You just know there’s gonna be a “hilarious” scene involving them or their dogs.

How much you want to bet Scut Farkus is reformed in this movie?  He’s either in the military or training to be a cop or something.

Mentioning him gives me an excuse to post this, one of my 10 favorite songs of all time…

If you don’t watch “A Christmas Story” at least once over the course of the 24 hour marathon on Christmas, you’re either Satan or Jewish… I like to think even Jewish kids watch at least half of one airing.  Kwanzaa kids are still too busy trying to figure out what the fuck Kwanzaa actually is.

“A Christmas Story” is tradition.  This to me is, and will always be the quintessential Christmas movie… well, this and “Home Alone” but for some reason people never really mention it when talking Christmas movies.  Remember how good Daniel Stern was in the “Home Alone” movies?  I’m sure that played into the casting director’s mind when they reached out to his agent.

Funny I mention “Home Alone,” because I fought myself from doing the Kevin McCallister face while watching this.

No, not that one!

Yeah, that one.

I’m sure some people will say this is just a DVD release.  It’s no harm no foul and it won’t take away from the original, but to me that’s blasphemous.  Nothing is sacred anymore.  The fact that they are pairing this in DVD sets with the original is a damn shame.  Sadly people will probably flock to buy it for their collection too.  Like I said, I usually don’t get up in arms over sequels… but this is just too damn much.  Fuck this movie.  This is definitely not why Jesus died for our sins.

Trailer Thursday – Here Comes the Boom

Here comes the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, maybe… right?  Somewhere someone’s stupid mother saw this trailer and got it confused with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

Kevin George Knipfing aka Kevin James stars as a Biology teacher turned MMA fighter… “I’m gonna stop you right there.  How exactly did you get into my office?  Security!”

Ok, so Kevin James is a former teacher of the year at your generic, probably inner-city high school.  There are budget cuts so he volunteers to raise money so the thug kids can still attend Key Club and Model U.N. instead of selling drugs after school.  He has to raise $48,000 for the school (because the rec center would have been too obvious) and decides the best way of doing it is to get into the lucrative world of mixed martial arts fighting.  Don’t worry though, he’s not just some fat schlub… he was a wrestler at some point in his past.

This premise is almost identical to “Warrior.”  The Joel Edgerton character is a teacher, and has to raise money to stop his house from going into foreclosure.  That movie was surprisingly excellent… seriously, I don’t like MMA fighting, but that movie was great.

Tom Hardy is also in it, because it’s a movie, and Tom Hardy is in every movie.  (Blog callback!)  The comparisons between these two movies are going to get old as hell… be prepared. (I’m sparing you the “Nacho Libre” parallels.)

Anyway, Kevin just so happens to have a best friend into MMA.  He’s a fighter or something, Bas Rutten… I don’t know him from a hole in the wall though.  So, Bassy probably trains him and shit and blah blah and kick, punch, it’s all in the mind.

48 grand?  Those are the stakes of this movie?  48 grand.  If they don’t come up with it, the kids won’t be able to play soccer and have chess club meetings.  Ohhh the humanity!  I find it hard to believe that an entire faculty can’t come up with a plan to raise less than $50,000.  (I made $446 this year.)

Kevin and Fonzie (continuing a nice career renaissance for Henry Winkler) go to some underground cage fights… yet again, stripped directly from “Warrior.”  Now look, I understand it could all be coincidence.  I’m sure 20 screenwriters all thought “Hey, I’ve never seen a MMA movie,” and shopped scripts around town, but at least make it look a little different.  I’m sure this was still filming when “Warrior” came out.

The principal, played by a “this friggin guy” candidate, tells him he’s embarrassing the school.  Pretty positive the principal in “Warrior” said the same thing.

This friggin guy!

Kevin James lands Salma Hayek, because Kevin James’s contract stipulations demand he be paired with an attractive dark skinned women who is way out of his league.  Salma plays another teacher at his school… if she isn’t the Spanish teacher, I’m calling foul on that character.   Could you imagine that stupid accent teaching algebra?

“Pleeece assuse my dear Aunt Solly.”

Henry Winkler is the Music teacher by the way.  The only reason I bring that up is because they show it a few times, and it makes me think it plays a major role in the plot.  Is that what he wants to save?  Kevin watches the class longingly.  The school probably has a nationally ranked band or something, or maybe an acapella group and this is a “Pitch Perfect” crossover! … Who knows, who cares?  You gotta think at some point Winkler punches a jukebox, then winks to the camera.

“Some things are worth fighting for,” just flashed on the screen.  Did they come up with that?  That’s a pretty good quote.

Kevin naturally makes it all the way to the UFC, where  Joe Rogan, coming off his last tour-de-force role in “Zookeeper,” calls the action.  His imdb character credit is “Douchey Midget Windbag.” (J/K he plays himself… a douchey midget windbag.)

It looks like the entire school watches Kevin in the big fight… again, right out of “Warrior.”  And this looks like the big climatic fight…

Tapout should use that silhouette as their “Jumpman.”

Will Kevin win $50k, or lose and only get a measly $10k?  Hmm, I wonder.  Will he save the school, or will he die in the octagon and leave 1000 children extra curricular-less? Go see “Here Comes the Boom” to find out.

It wouldn’t be a Kevin James flick without some slapsticky pratfalls, and this looks like it has plenty of them.  Thing is… it doesn’t seem all that funny.  This is presented like a dramedy.  There weren’t many moments in the trailer where I’d imagine the crowd laughing, but then again, movie crowds are retards.  I think 6 people in my theatre had a laugh induced heart attack when we first saw Alan’s shaved head in “Hangover 2” … a gag that was in every trailer.

This movie is about as formulaic as they come.  I bet at the end he gets so good at fighting he has a chance to stay on the professional level, but opts to retain his teaching position, “for the kids.”  The Principal and Kev probably become fast friends, and they probably start a MMA club after school. Oh, and Paco the insubordinate gangbanger finally shows him some respect, with a line like, “Chu know what Mr. Whatever?  You ain’t so bad after all,” or “You a bad mama jama!”

Kevin James looks like he really got in shape for this movie…

I’m sure people will nominate him for the Nobel Prize in nutrition for it, like he isn’t a multi-multi-millionaire who could hire Nutritionists to cook him massive 35 calorie dinners than taste like ice cream sundaes.  There is nothing impressive about a Hollywood actor getting in shape; they literally have the best Trainers, Chefs, and Drugs at their disposal.  It’s like complimenting people who get gastric bypass… “Congrats on… saving enough money to cover the surgery!”

One good thing about this flick is that P.O.D. is probably about to make some dough.  I think that stood for “Payable on Death,” but for this movie, I’m gonna go ahead and assume it means “Plot Outline Deleted.”

I won’t act like this is the worst looking movie of all time.  It certainly doesn’t look good though, especially if you know of “Warrior’s” existence.  I’ll probably watch it the same way I’ve seen every Kevin James movie… at 12:30 on a Tuesday night on Starz.  Go watch “Warrior” instead.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 47%

Trailer Thursday – Pitch Perfect

Now you know I like me some acapella. “No we don’t.”  Well, I covered in a couple weeks back…

So I figured, who knows, maybe this movie might look good to me… noooooopppe.

Anna Kendrick goes to college even though she’s probably 28 by now, and scoffs at these broads who want her to join the acapella squad.  Is Anna Kendrick attractive?  I change my mind every time I see her.  Heads she is, Tails she’s not…

Tails. Sorry babe.

The other chick, Brittany Snow is very hot.  I’ve liked her for years, yet I can’t recall what the hell I even know her from.  She sneaks up on Anna in the shower…

Maybe this does look good…

… and slowly removes her towel.  She looks deep into her eyes wondering, “Is she attractive?  It changes every time I see her,” then she flips a coin.  Heads.  She gently kisses the nape of Anna’s neck, then moves slowly towards her lips.  Anna is tentative at first, but then she realizes how hot Brittany is, she’s thought that for years… she’s just having a hard time remembering how she knows her… but that’s not important right now.  Anna throws caution to the wind and returns the erotic liplock… “Conz,” she passionately breathes.  “Conz!” This time she screams.  “Conz!  Yo, Conz!”

Sorry about that, I trailed off.  Brittany tells Anna she has to join the singing group team thing.  She agrees.  We gots ourselves a movie!

Then we see the “Bad Boys of Acapella.”  That might be the lamest “bad boys of” in the history of bad boyz.  I’d sooner have the “Bad Boys of Crochet” back me in a fight.

This is basically “Bring it On” with no cheerleading, and less black people.  I’m also getting a major “Sister Act 2” vibe.  You know the one, when Whoopi was “back in the habit.”  Hundred bucks says we don’t get anything close to this powerhouse performance of Joyful Joyful in “Pitch Perfect.”  Lauryn Hill broke a commandment she murdered that track so bad.  And that’s bad meaning good, not bad meaning bad.

But this isn’t about the only nun ever with the last name “Goldberg.”

The completely unfunny fat chick is about to blow up… both literally and figuratively.  Her name is Rebel Wilson apparently… so expect to hear that stupid name a lot in the future.  She was Kristen Wiig’s roommate in “Bridesmaids,” so that pretty much guarantees she’ll be successful.  Everyone who worked on that movie is blowing up.  The guy who ran craft services just got a development deal with FOX.

I’m pretty pissed Adam Devine is in this. Workaholics is probably my favorite comedy on cable these days, so to see him in this piece of crap is very loose butthole… as this movie looks like it was made for loose buttholes.  His big singing scene in the trailer is “Hey Mickey…” lame.  He should be slipping mickeys not singing about a dude named “Mickey.”

“Probably should’ve let Ders take this role…”

The girls counter with No Diggity and you know Conz ain’t got no problem with that. “No, we don’t! We don’t know you!”  I’ll look for any excuse to link that classic video with all those Little Penny puppets dancing around.

It’s goin down, fade to Blackstreet…

I just had an “eargasm.”  So far the best part of this trailer was reminding me how great this song is.

They go to New York for some big final, where they will either win it all and defeat the bitchy girls from State, or they’ll come in second and learn a valuable life lesson.

Man, they make Adam hook up the INCREDIBLY unfunny fat girl… why did you take this role, dude?  Wait a year, you have Charlie Day breakout potential; don’t do singing movies where you have to kiss fatties.  I hope his character at least has Shallow Hal disease.  Maybe he thinks he’s macking Brittany Snow.

According to imdb, McLovin is in this movie.  I didn’t even notice him in the trailer.  There’s also a chick named Catherine Kim Poon… ha!

I’m thinking that Kendrick-Snow lesbian shower scene will hit the cutting room floor unfortunately, so I’ll say my Rotten Tomatoes prediction is 58%.  Critics like Anna Kendrick and they’ll probably rave about how fat funny that funny fat girl is.