My Christmas Dream

Twas the night before Christmas and… I don’t know what else it’was… but I had some sugar plums dancing in my head, and I came up with a million dollar ($7 American) idea.

First, the inspiration…

I just wanted to give some props to Campbell’s Soup for keeping this ad in circulation…

It reminds me of the days when I wasn’t a bum who gets his (holly) jollies “hating” on commercials and the like, and it also gave me an idea… an idea so good–great even–that I’ll probably regret sharing it with you.

As much as I rail on advertisements, I’d probably watch a TV channel dedicated only to old commercials.

I’ll counter your skepticism…  An entire channel might be excessive, and would probably get old after the 14th time the “Where’s the Beef” woman appeared on screen, but how about a 3-4 hour block every night?

Take one of those stations that has paid programming like the Chopping Tool du jour, or the Ergonomical Toilet that works your legs and abs while you shit (That’s a real product, google it) and replace those obnoxious infomercials with commercials from the days of yore.

Is this a bad idea?  You can tell me.  (Please, tell me, I yearn for human contact.)

It’s not like most of the companies aren’t still around.  It would be beneficial for them.  People might hate Coke, but after seeing those dopey polar bears from their youth, they might go out and doomsday stock on 2 liters.  We see new shitty commercials all day long, why not the old ones?

I realize we live in the YouTube generation and all commercials are at our fingertips, but I’m shooting more at the old, fat, sexless loser demo.  A demo I’m sure I’ll be a key member of one day.  (Pff, yeah right, I’m fuckin ripped, son!)

Some pillhead on a 72 hour bender might turn his life around when “Ads TV” (terrible name, think of a good name for me) reminds him that he was once one of the 10,000,000 strong and growing Flintstone kids! 
And boom, he has a moment of clarity, and the tears start flowing… and flllooowwwwinnggg.

C’mon, this is a spicy meata-ball! (Classic reference!)

Instead of staying up late at night making nut-dough, you can be watching…

“Time to make the nut-dough,” is an outstanding masturbation reference.  You can borrow that one, but I want credit.

I think we need this.  In this everchanging world we live in… makes you give in and cry… LIVE AND LET DIE!  REEHHHH, REHHHHHHHHH, DE-NE-NE DE-NE-NE DE-NEH! DE-NE-NE DE-NENE NE NEH!–sorry.  In this everchanging world we live in, everyone wants a little nostalgia.  Ads TV can fill that void.

Who wants to go halvsies on that with me?  Who would be opposed to that besides Anthony Sullivan and Body By Jake, aka Jake “Don’t call me Seinfeld” Steinfeld?  No one, that’s who.

"Ohhhh, what about Chef Tony, ah?!"

“Ohhhh, what about Chef Tony, ah?!”

Ahhh, go bend some filet knifes and chop some tomatoes ya wop bastard.  (I’m allowed to say that word, because I am one… a bastard.)

So?  Bad idea?  Too many Storage Wars re-runs to air?  There’s a very good chance–great even–that this isn’t even an idea.  There could be a network right now doing this.  There could be laws against it.  It could be one of the oldest television ideas in existence–something you and your stoner friends have discussed over cocoa and jack-off sessions numerous times in the past–but Conz Don’t Care.  Conz is taking all the credit.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal(s).

BTW, if you actually googled the “ergonomical toilet that works your legs and abs while you shit,” punch yourself in the face.


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