Old Navy – The Griswolds

Conz is back!

*stops writing due to overwhelming fanfare*

Alright, alright, relax.

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.  Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!  I have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix…

Coyote… because I have no fans… and I’m currently not working.

Just don’t get your hopes up, Steve (I’m imagining my one reader’s name is “Steve.”) I’ll probably take the rest of the week off.

I figured since it’s only a little over a week away, I had to do a Christmas commercial for my big comeback entry…

You ever heard the expression, “Don’t sweat the small stuff?”  Well, I can’t help that shit.

Where the hell is Johnny Galecki?  I realize he’s busy, what being on a (s)hit TV show and all.  You’ll notice I put a ‘s’ in brackets before the word “hit,” as I don’t much care for “The Big Bang Theory.”  … To be fair I’ve only seen about 7 minutes of the show, but it was more tedious than this blog post.  The dude that wins the awards literally ran his mouth for 6:54 of the 7 minutes, and then Johnny Galecki was all, “Affirmative!” like a nerdy robot… probably… I don’t know.

So this is the big “Christmas Vacation” reunion.  They got Chevy, fresh off his Community ouster (Can’t say I’ll miss him much, plus the show will be cancelled about 3 episodes later.) They landed Beverly D’Angelo, who has lost about 75 pounds since her role (more like roll!  Got er) on “Entourage.”  And they managed to snag Juliette Lewis… who actually looks really good.  Normally she looks like a strung out, dumpster diving crack whore, but here… nice.  That red hair is working for me, and I’m digging the McKayla Maroney face… must refrain from creeping on McKayla Maroney…

"She's 17, bro."

“She’s 17, bro.”

Instead of Galecki… who is too busy playing bit roles in movies where they thought this cgi was acceptable…

… they got some random ass family, and some blonde chick.  The actual product they’re pushing is terrible. “Pop Pants?” No man should ever wear “colored” jeans.  Seriously, would you wear red jeans, Steve?  The only dudes that can get away with shit like that are Lil’ Wayne and I don’t know, maybe Russell Westbrook.

"Dammmmnn, is that them pop pants?"

“Dammmmnn, is that them pop pants?”

I guess Galecki has some kind of contract stipulation where he refuses to wear purple corduroys.

I just want to pause and give a quick “shout out” to Martin Short for giving far and away the most subtle performance of his career as the narrator of these ads.

I’ll give him a little credit too.  Where I’ve always found him to be obnoxious, almost a poor man’s Robin Williams with his exhausting antics… he did a pretty good job hosting SNL this week.  … Doesn’t make up for his Arrested Development character Uncle Jack, who to this day was the only blemish on that otherwise perfect show.  Shut your mouth, the Rita storyline was great.

Galecki, you son of a bitch.  Anthony Michael Hall was down.  Original Audrey showed up.  Euro Rusty was there… somehow looking exactly the same as he did in “European Vacation.”  I think the other Audrey actually died, no disrespect to her, but her and Euro Rusty were insufferable and far and away the worst duo in the Vacation series.

I guess Ethan Embry and this hot Latina princess…


… were also too busy to make it… unless “Christmas Vacation” was the cutoff for these commercials.  That must be it.  Nick Papageorgio ain’t about to big time Old Navy like some ungrateful Galecki.

If I don’t get a Cousin Eddie Old Navy commercial in the next week, I’m gonna be pissed.

Clark’s playing with fire in this one.  Apparently he forgets how slutty Ellen gets around old crooners.

It's Dean Martin's recipe.

It’s Dean Martin’s recipe.

Johnny Mathis? Is he still famous?  Could you have found a more washed up singer?!

Oh.  Yeah.  You could.  Clever.

Hit that SAP button…

Your language humors me.  It’s always a Feliz Navidad when pop pants are under the árbol.  Anything that opens with “Los pantelones…” is cool in Conz’s book… Be on the lookout for my book, Steve.

In conclusion…

(Get ready for another 8 paragraphs of rambling.)

The “Vacation” series is great.  It’s great.  I don’t care if you don’t like “Vegas Vacation,” you’re stupid.  It’s a fine movie.  There’s plenty of good stuff in there.

You’re going to watch “Christmas Vacation” this week, and you’re going to like it.

Clark W. Griswold is the character I associate Chevy Chase with… I’d think that’s the case with most people, but you know damn well there are plenty of people who will always tell you he’s Fletch… or the dude from Caddyshack even though that’s the 2nd best golf movie of all time.

You done got me started.

Yeah I said it, old people.  Danny Noonan and his ugly ass Irish girlfriend, and “nanananananana,”and “rat farts,” and Bill Murray acting like a retard… fuck that noise.  Happy Gilmore for life!

And to all you who think because I just made that claim that I think “Happy” is Adam Sandler’s best movie… nope.

“Billy Madison” is the GOAT, why must you try and convince yourself otherwise?  Can you believe some people actually think it’s “The Wedding Singer?”  And so help me God, the “Punch Drunk Love” people?

And why must we look back retrospectively on Sandler’s career and say stupid shit like “He’s always been terrible,” because Happy Madison churns out the worst comedies these days?  Sandler is a comedy icon, just like Chevy, yet neither of them get any respect anymore..  Fast Forward to the end of this entry for the definitive top 10 Adam Sandler movie list…

So anyway, what was I talking about?  Chevy Chase or something, right?

Vacation movies go as followed:

  1. Christmas
  2. Vacation
  3. Vegas
  4. European
  5. No one has seen the Cousin Eddie made for cable version.

Apparently this is coming out http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1524930/ too.

Any time I see a (????) next to an imdb title, I immediately write off any confirmed cast, but I could handle Ed Helms at the helm…s.  Fuck me.  Those dudes wrote “Horrible Bosses” which was good, so why not?  And by “those dudes,” I mean this little fucker…


He’s a big comedy writer now.  Judd Apatow has made more careers than… finish this attempt at a joke, I don’t know of anyone who has made careers.  Also, what exactly is a “career?”

You’re probably really sick of reading this entry, so I’ll leave you with a treat.  The best part of any Vacation movie…

Hot. Fire. … but how is that the video?

Happy Holidays… and by that I mean “Merry Christmas.”

– Conz

Ok, ok, since you’ve stuck around this long Steve, here are my definitive… DEFINITIVE… top 10 Adam Sandler movies…

  1. Billy Madison
  2. Happy Gilmore

Too lazy to finish.

RIP John Hughes.  Go ‘Yotes.  ¡a diverterse ya!  Merry Christmas.


1 thought on “Old Navy – The Griswolds

  1. Pingback: Christmas Wrap-up | Conz Hates Commercials

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