Trailer Thursday – Full House with Johnny Chan

This is a trailer… technically.  I’ll call it a TV trailer, but there is no chance in hell this ever airs on television.  I don’t expect you to watch all 6 minutes, but if you’re looking to feel better about yourself, go through with it.

This entry will probably just be me talking about poker, so if you have no interest, feel free to leave after watching the awful trailer.  (You planned on doing that anyway.)

Now, without further ado, find out what happens when poker players stop being polite… and start getting real!

If this isn’t a perfect microcosm of how reality TV has ruined society, I don’t what is.

You have Johnny Chan and a very disinterested looking Doyle Brunson (I read he had no clue what this project even was, and that’s evident) playing heads up with the same chip set every Tom, Dick, and Harry plays with in their weekly home game.

$53 at Costco

There’s no better giveaway that you’re watching an awful poker scene than these chips.  If you ever see a movie centered on gambling that has these chips, turn it off, the action won’t even be close to authentic.  How am I supposed to take you seriously if you can’t spring for a custom chip set?

Chan and Brunson (I feel bad lumping Doyle in with this) have a combined 20 World Series of Poker bracelets… but most of them came before the 2002 poker boom.  Not to take anything away from them, but those numbers should have big fat Barry Bonds asterisks next to them.  To win those 20 bracelets they probably beat collective fields that don’t even equal the main event entries this year.   Chan is still skating by on his back to back main event wins, and his brief cameo in “Rounders.”  No one cares about him anymore, yet he still tells you he’s “the most famous poker player in the world.”  … At least I think he does.  That dude is hard to understand.

The intro scene with him walking down the stairs welcoming us to his mansion is straight comedy gold.  I wonder how many takes they had to film before they were satisfied with that.

For a guy with the worst fashion sense on the planet…

… I have to say, his house is pretty classy.  I have to assume they aren’t duping us, this is probably his actual house, but who knows, they could have just rented it for the summer.  It’s not very furnished.

I don’t understand the concept of this show at all.  Johnny has 5 players live in his house.  He stakes them each 200 grand, and each night 2 of them play a “nigh” handed poker game… in which the viewer can also play?  How?  What?  So when these 5 clowns go busto, Johnny’s out a million bucks?  These are the players he chose to back?  How the fuck do I factor into this?

We get some brief description about what a poker player’s life is like from the unattractive, cartoonish cast.   There’s a great slo mo “sexy” shot of the chick in the cast.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s not hideous, but she’s definitely not hot enough for a Phoebe Cates pool exit shot.

“You’re nuts Conz, I’m at least a ‘nigh’ out of ten.”

In kicks the generic techno beat, that I could make in 13 minutes on Fruity Loops.

Let’s meet the cast…

No… unfortunately Stamos declined.  How the hell are they even allowed to use the name “Full House?”  I mean, I get it, the name makes sense to the show, poker hand, house full of people, clever!  But seriously, I hope they get sued.

Alright, here’s the real cast…

We’ve got Simon, the playboy.  Every chick on his arm is ugly.  Not in an “I’m an internet pussy slayer, I call every chick ugly” kinda way either.  Those chicks aren’t attractive.  He tells us in perfect English that he will use his youth and… European heritage to his advantage?  Young Euros are “agro spewtards” so he’s gonna play off that image.  He likes to berate players to get them out of their comfort zone with such zingers as, “You called me with that?”  The guy at the table who uses generic lines like that is usually terrible at poker.  They’re the same guy who folds pre-flop and then claims they had aces with a wink.  Or the guy who berates you for 3 betting pre-flop causing him to fold his 6-7 which would have flopped a straight.

Then we meet the token Asian player.  He considers playing poker “stealing candy from a child,” because using the actual saying “stealing candy from a baby,” just ain’t his style. Jay, the “Genius.”  Looks like they’re gonna hit on every poker cliché.  He’s very methodical at the table using such mind games as showing one card and asking his opponent if he’s scared…

Genius at work.

Naturally, it’s the ace of spades… why wouldn’t it be?  He takes down the pot with Ace high and proclaims he “Pays his rent in Euro baby!”  That might be my favorite catchphrase ever.  What does that even mean?  Also, what ballers pay rent?  Ballers own they shit outright, son.

Simon asks his housemates if they’ve seen the next cast member… wow.  They’re really gonna make this show have attempts at acting and storylines, aren’t they?  Have mercy!

Estevan, aka “Chico Loco” is sleeping in the bed of his pick-up truck down the road.  Uh-oh, this must be the crazy guy.  Look out Simon.  Estevan’s girl looks like Chun Li from Street Fighter went on an ‘In and Out’ burger bender, and then fought E Honda with her hands tied behind her back…

Estevan is all about discipline… which isn’t where I thought that character was going.  I expected him to be super aggressive, the guy who asks “Can I straddle?” the second he sits down at a table, but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover… except his girl… you can judge her by her cover… yeesh!

Next is the “hot” pool chick, Malia aka “The Queen of Hearts” … really clever stuff.  Naturally we see her in bed with Simon the Playboy.  That boy can flat out play.  She throws out the “being a female is an advantage” card… and then probably loses a lot in cards because that’s a load of bullshit.

Matt, the “Bully,” gets thrown in the pool by his crazy castmates.  Oh man, the hijinx on this show!  The Bully has become the bullied!  He claims poker tables are full of wannabes and posers… everyone on this show is a wannabe or a poser, so he’s the first guy I actually feel is genuine.  Nah, ya know what?  Fuck this dude.  He slow rolls the shit out the old guy.  He uses the classic poker joke “I have two pair,” then flips quads.  Get it?  Two pairs of queens = four queens!  Fuckin bully.

They lounge by the pool.  Matt throws a football like a sissy…

Estevan attempts to catch said football like a sissy, and Johnny Chan the Master gets in on the hijinx by throwing Chico Loco in the pool.  … Then he throws Chun Li in the pool for good measure.  That’s three times we’ve seen someone thrown in the pool, and it gets more hilarious each time.  At this point I had completely forgotton about Chan’s involvement.

The crew hits the strip, drinks, sees the sights, blah blah blah.  We get the iconic “Entourage” style walk towards the camera…

“Oh yeah. Oh yea-ahhh!”

That must have been absolutely hilarious to witness.  The camera guy holding his camera low and walking backwards in front of these 6 nobodies…

“When they play, they play hard…”

They be clubbin.

“When they work, they don’t play around…”

They sit in a poker strategy session with the Master.  With a slick camera trick, the Genius plays heads up with Texas Dolly himself. That should give the audience hope that this shit means business.  We got camera trickery.  We know what the fuck we’re doing!

This is the new generation.  THIS is “Full House with Johnny Chan!”

THIS looks like one of the biggest pieces of shit ever made…

You’re probably thinkin, “Man, who the fuck are you?  What gives you the right to talk shit?”  Who am I?  I’m a guy who has won $1100 in one poker session.  $1100!  If that doesn’t make me an authority on all things poker, I don’t what does.

All that being said… I plan on watching every single episode webisode of this.  Why?  Because I’m a fuckin loser that’s why.  I just blogged about an obscure poker reality show that may not ever see the light of day… you need more reasoning than that?

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