Trailer Thursday – Alex Cross

I said I wasn’t gonna do this one, but tough shit.

Must refrain from cheap Madea jokes…

I’m not gonna sit here and shit on Tyler Perry.  I actually have a ton of respect for the guy, he’s Dude Oprah, the dude version of Oprah, “Broprah” if you will… the guy has turned his cornball stage plays and movies into  a half billion dollar empire.  How can I not respect that?  … but seriously, what the fuck is he doing in this movie?

Actors are actors… if that makes sense.  He’s free to attempt any role he can get, but I’m just not buying him at all in this role.  He’s got a gravelly Batman thing going on with his voice, the “grizzled cop” schtick, and that shit ain’t workin.  He’s just not a tough guy and he cannot and should not be marketed as one.

What this says to me is the studio signed James Patterson to a lifetime contract and had to make this movie.  They sat around a table for fifteen minutes before one brave executive finally had the nerve to ask, “Are there even any mid-level black bankable actors left?”  Denzel and Will Smith are way too big to play Alex Cross.  Morgan Freeman is too old now, and too busy filming the live action version of Dr. Suess’s “Hop on Pop” with his granddaughter.

They fuckin

Dude better take it easy or he’s gonna be Morgan Convict… eh?  heh?  No?  Fuck ya.

Jamie Foxx is playing Django, Don Cheadle is on TV and is far from an action hero despite his terrible supporting role as War Machine.  Who else is there?  Terrance Howard, who hasn’t played an action hero since his terrible supporting role as War Machine?

They just said, “Fuck it. Tyler Perry put asses in seats.”  Thing is, had they gone with Idris Elba like everyone wanted, this movie would actually look kinda good.   It looks like it has some pretty good action scenes, and Matthew Fox’s character “Picasso” (lolz) seems pretty interesting.  He likes to inflict pain, and just to reaffirm that, in a great trailer moment, Tyler tells him he’s “sick and twisted.”  … Oh, and he looks fuckin ridiculous…

“We have to go back, Kate. WE HAVE TO GO BAAAACCKKKK… to the GYMMMM.”

He plays some ex-military, now cage fighting serial killer, which is a far cry from his last big character… a guy deserted far away who fought and cried a lot.  There are rumors that Fox is a loose cannon in real life, and I’d think you’d kinda have to be to get in the kind of shape he’s in for this movie.  (No homo, of course.  I mentioned a man’s physique; I do not want you to think I’m a homo.) I could easily google his work out regime to prepare for this role, but I’m not going to.  Do it yourself.

There are a few more recognizable actors in this movie.  John C. McGinley, aka Dr. Cox, is following up his role in a State Farm commercial by slumming it as the cop who calls the more important cop.  This guy is a great character actor, he should be doing better.  Edward Burns, a guy who was in “Saving Private Ryan” and then nothing else even close to good is also in it.  Either he or McKinley die in this movie… book that shit. Giancarlo “Gus Fring” Esposito is apparently in it too, so that bodes well for the movie.  Jean Reno is in there somewhere.  Rachel Nichols (not the ESPN chick who is hot sometimes, but gross other times) is also in it apparently despite barely being in the trailer.  She’s an underrated hot actress…

This movie has a lot going for it… but I still can’t get over Tyler Perry, action star.

I mean, to be fair to Tyler Perry, the only thing I’ve ever seen him in was a 2 minute scene in “Star Trek.”  Maybe he’s a good actor and I’m just judging a book by its black cover. (“Why’s it gotta be a black thing?) Nah.  There’s no way his usual bullshit is good.  That shit looks impossibly unfunny… and I know impossibly unfunny.

It is actually pretty refreshing to see a Tyler Perry product’s trailer without this fucking guy dancing around in it though…

Very funny.

This seems like the type of movie that gets written off by critics, and unknown bloggers alike, but then shocks the hell out of everyone and actually turns out to be good.  We’ll see.

Oh shit, I almost forgot the best thing about the trailer… the tagline.

“Don’t ever cross Alex Cross.”

Yes!  All eponymous movie titles should have taglines like that.  THAT is how you sell the fuck out of a movie.  That’s a poster.  Just a pic of a mean looking Ty with “Don’t ever cross Alex Cross” blasted across his torso.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 55% with good word of mouth.  It’s gonna flop though, I don’t expect Perry’s usual audience to flock to this… uh-uh, hellllll no child. (That’s how I imagine Madea talks.)


1 thought on “Trailer Thursday – Alex Cross

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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