There are no good trailers this week. I could have done “Alex Cross” with Tyler Perry and a ridiculous looking Matthew Fox, but I decided to talk about a flick from another Lost alum… Are you ready for da battle of da year?
Where do I even start with this one?
Sawyer is a great basketball coach/hobo who falls on hard times. He’s contacted by the black mafia — I believe they go by the “Junior M.A.F.I.A.” moniker – to coach a breakdancing, or “B-Boy” squad because as we all know a great coach can take any team, in any sport to the top.
Bullllllshit. Has this theory ever been put to the test? If you tossed Vince Lombardi behind a hockey bench, do you really think he’d win a title? Probably not, because he’s been dead for a long time, but you understand my skepticism, right? Would Mike Krischeferosjtjhtjhdadahtermjnurthejrtsky… or “Coach K” use his leadership skills to bring a girl’s soccer team to prominence? Probably not. This movie is already perpetrating lies to the audience.
Anyway the Junior M.A.F.I.A. tell Sawyer that he can “get money” if he turns a rag tag group of thugs (and Drake and Josh) into America’s first breaking champs in 15 years.
They go and train at an old prison… ironically Chris Brown, a guy who should be getting a train ran on him in prison (“Run it, run it”) is on the team. Look at the move the kid does at :58, then look at Chris Brown’s shitty attempt at the same move immediately after. Who cut this trailer?
We get a barrage of cliché “this means everything to me” quotes from the crew. Chris Brown gets punched in the face. I think we’re supposed to see that and say “Ha! Sweet justice!” Then Sawyer cuts him from the team. I like to think he had a great Sawyeresque nickname for him as he packed him into the cab. “Hit the road, Simon Phoenix’s gay brother.” (Most obscure movie reference award goes to…)
Chris Brown is such a piece of shit, I don’t even want to get into it. I’m not even basing this off his beatdown of Ri-Ri, I’m basing it off his body of work. Dude is probably the biggest asshole in the music industry today. Stop acting so damn hard, you’re a fuckin R&B singer.
Well, the trailer led us to believe Brown was cut… but he shows up in the next frame, so I guess maybe it was someone else? Anyway, they train, they bond, they dance, they live, they learn, they battle, they dream… they team.
A girl shows up. Chris Brown attempts to rape her. She’s sassy, blah blah blah.
They go to the “Olympics of their sport” in Paris…
…and face some Koreans because they’re the hot villain du jour. They bring the trophy back for America. Finally! I bet there is an obnoxious “U-S-A” chant after Chris Brown does a triumphant victory sealing flip that isn’t anywhere near as impressive as every other move done by professional B-Boys in the film.
Then, after coming home to zero fan fare, they place third on MTV’s “ABDC” starring Mario Lopez and JC of N Sync… probably.
Holy shit, we have a trailer first! The characters in the movie actually promote the 3D with a hands-in… pep shout? I’m not sure what the fuck those are called, but man, that’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen in a long time.
Wow. What a fuckin trailer! Ya know what the worst part of this is? The title. What’s with the “Dream Team” subtitle? You realize a generation of kids are gonna associate this movie and not the 92 Olympic team with that name? That’s terrible. Educate your children. Tell them about the greatest team to ever step on the hardwood. Share your greatest Christian Laettner memories with your children, people!
Can we talk about Josh Peck’s transformation for a second? Kid went from Jimmy Dean…
… to James Dean.
Dude must have done barrels of coke. He definitely thinks he’s hot shit now, just look at his stupid serious face in the trailer. You’ll always be that little fat kid to me, Peck. Does he even dance in this movie? What the fuck is he even doing there? Nice job in “The Wackness” though… underrated.
This trailer has all the things I look for in a terrible movie:
1: a terrible voice over guy. No great movie has ever had a trailer with one of these generic voices narrating it.
2: unnecessarily dark sports scenes and shitty uniforms. Why the hell is the basketball court so damn dark? Tom Bodett clearly doesn’t own and operate this gymnasium. (Most obscure commercial reference award goes to…)
Look at the opponents’ jersey. You’re telling me they couldn’t even spring for a logo? Maybe it’s just me, but that takes me right out of a scene. I believe Space Jam is real over this crap. At least they had sweet ass jerseys in that movie.
3: extremely dramatic overtones for stupid subject matter. “When the world’s against you, it all comes down to one thing…” Spoiler Alert – it’s teamwork! The dialogue in this trailer is fuckin painful.
4: the line “That’s what I’m talking about!”
5: musician acting.
6: January release date.
Poor Josh Holloway. One minute he’s on the greatest network drama of all time, fingerbanging Kate, killing Others, just straight making the island his… and one shitty finale later, he’s slumming it in “Battle of the Year.” I hope you’re happy, Cuse and Lindelof.
The battle of the year is gonna be whether this can finish in the top 5 at the box office in it’s opening weekend. I guarantee Chris Brown gets a Razzie nomination for this, and judging from his acting in the trailer… and his life choices… he deserves it.
You wanna watch a real movie about a guy turning a group of thugs into a well oiled dancing machine? Watch this…
Sing it with me, Ba Na Na Way! Ba Na Na Way, Ba Na Na!