Wonderful Pistachios

Before I start, I just want to give a much appreciated shout-out to Fuckupussy@hotmail.com, my reader of the week.  Your kind words really warmed my heart this morning…

“Shama Lama ding dong cry me a river writer you fuckin taint go crawl In a hole faggot”

It’s as if Maya Angelou and the Iron Shiek had a love child, and never taught him what puncuation was.  Still, you manage to convey so much emotion in so few words, it’s truly beautiful man… truly.  It’s readers like you that inspire me to write these blog entries.

Do you mind if I shoot you an email, Fuckupussy?  I need to know what address to send the official ‘Conz Hates Commercials’ T-shirt to.

Today’s entry is dedicated to you, FUP.  Cherish it…

These are some of the least clever commercials on TV at the moment.  You gotta really suck to get my attention and scorn with a 15 second ad.

This is the most recent…

See what I mean?  “Homer and Bart do it family style?”  That’s the best they’ve got?  That’s not clever or funny.  You have two iconic characters… two characters that in 20+ years haven’t done many ads at all outside of the “You better not lay a finger on my Butterfinger” spots, and you can’t even come up with funny narration?  Granted, I’m too lazy to think of anything better right now, but you know damn well there’s an endless comedy resource to pull from with “The Simpsons.”

The Narrator is the worst part about these things.  He doesn’t have a strong voice and his delivery sucks.  I don’t think he could sell a joke even if they had them.

How is this selling pistachio nuts?  Who saw these 60 year old gay men dancing and thought “Mmm, I can sure go for some of those pistachios.  Honey, add them to the grocery list!?”  Who dammit, who?!

Was this story big enough to base a commercial around?

I don’t think that even crossed over into pop culture, definitely didn’t warrant an unfunny pistachio commercial.  Will anyone even remember that in 5 years?  I don’t even remember the specifics and it just happened fairly recently.

There was a Snooki commercial, but that seems to have been pulled from YouTube, thankfully.  She used a tanning booth to open the pistachio because that’s really practical and hilarious!  I’m also pretty sure it came out around the 3rd season of “Jersey Shore” which was right around the time people stopped liking her even ironically.

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them.

These definitely aired well after the novelty wore off…

The way this guy says “purrr-fectly” creeps me the fuck out for some reason…  And I don’t even know if keyboard cat had a 2 week run of popularity… sure that’s about 13 days longer than mine but… go fuck yourself…

Oh look, Mr. Bill.  Remember Mr. Bill kids?  Really struck while the iron was hot on this one…

You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

These commercials remind me of the old Emerald Nuts ads.  I have to assume it’s the same company, or marketing firm at the very least, because they’re definitely similar.  Are Emerald Nuts even in business anymore?  The product was awful, but the commercials were kinda good for a while.  Remember these?

There were a ton of these, and I gotta say, they were pretty funny.

I can’t seem to find anymore but I remember a few others… I’m pretty sure they had one for “Erect Nipples,” with a couple of broads locked in a freezer eating almonds.

I think there was an “Ejaculating Newts” commercial that aired late night on cable networks too, but I could be wrong.

And who can forget this ad?  I always thought this was extremely insensitive and tasteless… like their product…

Should I keep pretending like these obviously fake memories are funny, or should I just wrap it up?

Fair enough.  I probably crossed the line on the last one anyway.

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2 thoughts on “Wonderful Pistachios

  1. Pingback: Super Bowl Commercials 2013 | Conz Hates Commercials

  2. Walmarts are skeevy places, too. I mean, what do you expect from a company whose logo is a golden butthole?

    Awesome post! The part about Wal Mart and Target had my sides aching and tears rolling down my face. I’m not kidding. Seriously funny stuff….love the site and keep up the great work!

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