These Friggin Walmart Guys…

Here’s Fred pulling the ol’ Walmart steak switcheroo… I made that name up, but fuck em, he’s ‘Walmart Fred’ now.

This commercial is not a testament to how good Walmart brand beef is, it’s a testament to how goddamn stupid people are.  Why does the reveal conjure up so much amazement?   You really think the steaks they would have used come from anywhere better?  They all probably come from the same slaughterhouse/processing plant…

“What?!  I thought this steakhouse farm raised their own cattle out back, meticulously and humanely killed said cattle, marinated, spiced, cooked and served their meat all on the premises?!”

Seriously though, sit anyone in a nice steakhouse setting and serve them a couple of slapped together Wendy’s cheeseburgers in place of their “Big Texas BBQ Bonanza Burger” and they’d probably sit there like, “Mmmm, this is delicious.  I knew Karen wasn’t lying about this place!”

People are inherently stupid… and I say that as a person who has no idea if I used the word “inherently” right.

… I guess?

Serve someone a glass of grape juice mixed with vodka at a famous vineyard and they’ll probably tell you how much they love the vintage.  Fart in a bottle for a month, spray it on some woman’s neck at Lord and Taylor and tell her it’s Jennifer Lopez’s new “Eau de Ass” and she’ll ask “Is this the hot fragrance this season?” then buy 4 bottles for her girlfriends as Christmas gifts.

Here’s Fred telling a nice family of three that Walmart now has the magical technology to convert DVDs to digital, so they can watch Timmy’s tee ball game on their laptop instead of one of those archaic “Dee Vee Dee Play-yers?”  Am I pronouncing that right?

Just look how fuckin happy these people are to pay $2 a disc for something any schlub with an ounce of computer knowledge could learn to do in five minutes.  Why the hell do people in commercials have to be so fake?  Why couldn’t they just respond with a simple, “That’s convenient,” and then ditch Fred, the pushy Walmart salesman?

Speaking of “pushy,” why does Fred have to push the friggin cart with the woman?  Just give her your little pitch and then back the fuck up, Fred.  Man!  You ever hear of personal boundaries?  Does Walmart have low everyday prices on stun guns?

“You know how much ketchup we go through?”  I feel like there’s some subtle racism in that…  Is that a stereotype?  Black people love ketchup?  I think they juse love sauce in general… or “sow-sah” if you will. (Why?)

Fred is apparently one of many overly enthusiastic dudes working to get the Walmart word out… as if every person on the planet didn’t know about Walmart…

(Please hold while I dig through the millions of Walmart themed YouTube videos to find one of the 20 fuckin commercials I see on TV daily…)

This dude, we’ll call him Gerald, shows this woman the low low milk price, and she’s all “Get the fuck out, really?!”  How the fuck much cheaper can milk be at Walmart, 20 cents?  The poorest person in America would see that 20 cent difference and go… “Ah, that’s good.”  Not make a climax face.


Suddenly I see! (Suddenly I see.)

This is what I wanna be. 

Suddenly I see! (Suddenly I see.)

Why the hell it means so much to me.

Ahhh KT, you always get me…

There are about 10 different dudes doing this on the Walmart youtube channel.  Here’s another clown dancing like an asshole and helping Pebbles.  Pebbles?  The fuck?  Your parents named you Pebbles?  A really unfunny person would follow that question up with, “How’s your brother, Bam Bam?”

How’s your brother, Dino?!  (Ha!  I went the other way with it!)

I feel like they make a perfect duo.  He’s fruity, she’s Pebbles… Fruity Pebbles!  You get it?!  You got it.

Had it been this guy who “helped” her, I could have gone with Cocoa Pebbles…

There’s another one where a guy does backflips because Walmart cashes his paycheck for a small fee, but I couldn’t find it.  It might be the most ridiculous of the bunch, so I can understand why they left it off their page.

There’s just way too many of these.  There’s a Spanish guy helping a blond woman, a black guy helping an Indian family, a ginger guy not really helping all that much, I bet if I dug hard enough there’d be a way over the top happy handicapped guy telling a midget about the low prices… and shelves… gotta cover every demographic.

The message is clear Walmart, you have low prices.  We get it.  Shut the fuck up.  Everyone knows your deal by now.

Walmarts are skeevy places, too.  I mean, what do you expect from a company whose logo is a golden butthole?

Sick gape… (Sorry)

I guess they advertise nonstop because Target gets a decent chunk of their business… and because they’re worth $90 billion or something.  We’ve all seen the “People of Walmart” site… that’s why I think these commercials are a bit misleading.

“Try to catch me ridin girthy…”

Go to any Walmart and you know those people exist. Why didn’t Fred ever walk beside 400 lb. Bertha and her Hoveround, screaming about the sale on Pop Tarts?  … Because commercials are bullshit.

Tom Kruse > Tom Cruise.

I prefer Target to Walmart personally.  It just seems cleaner.  You know what I don’t prefer?  When you say “Target” with a French accent.  “I need to go to ‘Tarj-ay’ a-hehehehe.”  You asshole.

On a scale of Dollar Store to Target, I give Walmart a 7.

Yup, I would rather dive into someone’s trash than go back into a Kmart.  Every time someone mentions the mongrel race that jazzies around the isles of Walmart, I have to ask them… “Have you ever been to Kmart?”  The dregs of society… that is who shops at Kmart.

I’m not good at concluding these things, so here’s a random picture of a particularly disgusting Walmart patron…

Just think, some poor old lady had to greet that.


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