After all these years, they finally made an “official” sequel to “A Christmas Story!”
People bitch and moan about sequels too much. There are few things I hate more than overcritical people who bitch and critique the hard work of other people (wink!) “Wah, Hollywood doesn’t have any more original ideas!” “Wahh, too many sequels, prequels, and reboots!” Well, in this case I agree with them one hundred percent. What the fuck was that?!
I can’t believe this is real. There have been a few other “Ralphie” movies, but I can’t believe they went back to this well. Nothing about this looks good. I mean, just look at older Ralphie…
What an ugly fuck. What the hell is with his hair? Not to get all gay stylist on you, but Ralphie had light blond hair… now he has orange hair. Did he dye it? Does your hair change color like that as you mature? Maybe it’s Maybelline.
All our favorite characters are back, like little rambunctious Randy, who I can already tell isn’t nearly as good as the original actor.
Flick and Schwartz are there too! It looks like they supply most of the comic relief, like touching some woman’s tit and getting chased down an escalator…. Judging from the completely ridiculous sound effect used in their candy cane fight, I wouldn’t be shocked if the chase scene is accompanied but this…
Oh and my favorite character, “Mom” is also back! I guess I never realized she didn’t have a name. Daniel Stern, the only recognizable actor in this piece of shit, plays “The Old Man.” What happened to Daniel Stern? This is the best he can get? The guy has been in some great movies… um, does “Bushwhacked” ring a bell? He’s not pulling this role off at all. Brian Madison must be rolling over in his grave.
They hit all the same story beats as the original. The Old Man just yells incoherent shit while he fixes appliances in the house. Ralphie wants a car this time instead of a gun, which is ironic, because watching this trailer made me want a gun. There’s a wise cracking Santa Claus. Flick and Schwartz are still retards. There’s a stupid gift from Aunt Clara, except this time, Randy has to wear it!
Oh yeah, and the lamp is back… because why the fuck wouldn’t it be?
I’m gonna assume that early in the movie Old Man reminisces about the best gift he ever received, and it’s going to resonate with Ralphie. He’s gonna buy it at the department store he works at, and surprise his pops with it. Book that shit!
The gun will probably be mounted on Ralphie’s bedroom wall too, as a nod to the audience. “Hey, you guys remember this?! Remember how much you loved the first one?! Well this is the ‘official sequel,’ so you should love it too!” I’m actually curious to see how they handle the car reveal. Where the hell are they gonna hide that jalopy? The Bumpus’s driveway? You just know there’s gonna be a “hilarious” scene involving them or their dogs.
How much you want to bet Scut Farkus is reformed in this movie? He’s either in the military or training to be a cop or something.
Mentioning him gives me an excuse to post this, one of my 10 favorite songs of all time…
If you don’t watch “A Christmas Story” at least once over the course of the 24 hour marathon on Christmas, you’re either Satan or Jewish… I like to think even Jewish kids watch at least half of one airing. Kwanzaa kids are still too busy trying to figure out what the fuck Kwanzaa actually is.
“A Christmas Story” is tradition. This to me is, and will always be the quintessential Christmas movie… well, this and “Home Alone” but for some reason people never really mention it when talking Christmas movies. Remember how good Daniel Stern was in the “Home Alone” movies? I’m sure that played into the casting director’s mind when they reached out to his agent.
Funny I mention “Home Alone,” because I fought myself from doing the Kevin McCallister face while watching this.
No, not that one!
Yeah, that one.
I’m sure some people will say this is just a DVD release. It’s no harm no foul and it won’t take away from the original, but to me that’s blasphemous. Nothing is sacred anymore. The fact that they are pairing this in DVD sets with the original is a damn shame. Sadly people will probably flock to buy it for their collection too. Like I said, I usually don’t get up in arms over sequels… but this is just too damn much. Fuck this movie. This is definitely not why Jesus died for our sins.