Macy’s – What’s in Store?

There’s a whole lotta hateable people in this one.  … Really?  “Hateable” isn’t a word?  Is it “Hatable?”  That just seems like it means “able to wear a hat.”  Well, Macy’s got lots of hats… lots of em.

Harold has been dreaming of managing a Macy’s his whole life.  When the other 7 year olds were imitating famous baseball stars in the backyard, Harold was home, hanging his mother’s dresses on racks and crunching sales numbers from his lemonade stand.   You see, Harold is a fuckin dork.

The friggin guy…

“Heyyyy yoouuuuu guuuyyysss!”

… is in every commercial now.  I mentioned him in my Geico opus.  He’s been in at least 5 commercials this year, and I still think he might be the “Nationwide is on your side” guy. (He’s not, but he might as well be.)

Anyway, this is definitely his biggest commercial role to date.  I mean just look at all the amazing co-stars he gets to share the screen with!  Holy shit, Florence Henderson!  Whoa, that weird Indian-ish Chef dude who’s on Food Network all the time cooking disgusting shit like goat!

“More like G.O.A.T. son!”

There’s Carlos Santana… selling ladies shoes.  Yeah, apparently Carlos Santana has a line of women’s shoes… It makes perfect sense because… it makes no sense.  Why the hell is Carlos Santana selling pumps?

“Because fuck you, that’s why.”

Harold dozes off and has private one on one sessions with each of the big wigs…

Speaking of wigs, there’s billionaire dickhead, and owner of the worst Casinos on the planet, Donald Trump.

“Hair joke, for real?”

I guess the Donald sells a line of dress shirts exclusively in Macy’s.  Aren’t they lucky!  I’m sure they’re much different than the 2 for $30 dress shirts at Kohls.

Martha Stewart brings Harold a stack of pancakes in bed.  Remember when Martha Stewart went to prison?  Because I don’t think anyone else does.  Bitch did 5 months in the clink and still has endorsements… now I’m not saying its ‘cism… but if her name was Martisha Stewart, she wouldn’t be starring in Harold’s daydreams, namsayin?

That little lesbian Bieber is in this commercial too, and while I know mentioning him would bring instant views to my blog… I just don’t want to talk about him.  All I’ll say is that Selena Gomez minx he’s “banging” makes me feel like your creepy uncle. (You all have one… yeah, him.)

Taylor Swift has a perfume line because she’s made over $5 million in the entertainment industry.

I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.  Show business works on an incentive scale — $5 mil gets you a scent, $20 mil a clothing line, $100 mil the cure for AIDS.  I still don’t know if I like Taylor Swift.  She’s pretty plain, but she looks real good sometimes.  I bet Harold got up in that.  Expect her to write a diss track about him shortly. (Going for the obvious joke once more!)

Fuckin Diddy don’t do dream sequences!  Diddy… back in my day we called him “Puffy.”  Back when Bad Boy was a juggernaut, and Sean John was too expensive for your average hood… but times have changed.  Diddy went commercial.  He did Shyne dirty, put out some hot garbage, started pushing SJ exclusively in department stores, and became a movie star.   He was basically the Kanye before Kanye — a completely delusional egomaniac producer… except Kanye is a much bigger talent… not even a question. “Diddy ran a label; Kanye made beats, Conz you stupid, yo!”

Quick, name the last great track Diddy was featured on… wrong!  It was this…

That shit came out in like 97 (Shut up, I know he’s had some good shit over the years, but try and deny this isn’t his best.  Try it!)  I will give Diddy some credit, he brought the world some great emcees, and was good in “Get Him to the Greek,” which was a criminally underrated movie.  He also introduced America to Dylan Dillinger, and… I mean, what would we have done without Dylan Dillinger?

… oh yeah, and Puffy had Biggie killed.

Movin on…

This damn commercial desecrated a classic doo-wop song…

That’s some quality music right there.  That jam makes me want to go grab a burger and a malt on the way to the sock hop.  The good old days… ya know, some 30 years before I was even born. Without even looking, I bet “sock hop” is some kind of urban dictionary slang for masturbation in 2012.

Am I supposed to run to Macy’s because all of these “stars” sell products there?  I mean, I parked in the JC Penny lot, it would be a lot easier to just go in there for a pair of Levi’s… butttt they don’t have Trump slim fits in over 12 exclusive colors,  or Martha Stewart brand oven mitts, or Bieber… I don’t even know what Bieber was slinging in this commercial.  He didn’t have a product on display, dude was just playing with a feather duster (also an urban dictionary slang for masturbation.) They probably paid him $2 million just to show up and make the little teenie’s panties wet.  (I’m gonna come up on some weird google searches for that one.)

And what the hell kinda name is Harold anyway?  Sticking with the underlying “back in my day” theme of today’s blog, Harold isn’t even a name anymore.  The last couple to name their child Harold died of old age in 1986.

I’m sure we’re gonna see a few more Harold centric commercials before Christmas, so get used to him.  Dude is probably gonna be all over the Thanksgiving Day Parade, with Matt Lauer interviewing him, and Al Roker being all not fat, even though everyone will always remember him as being fat and… blah blah and who gives a shit?  Stupid advertising, I hate it.  Greedy fuckers… you know what advertising is all about?


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