Applebees – Southwest Showdown

I judge books by their cover, but I like to think I always give people a chance before I decide whether or not I’m going to hate on them.  Wanna know a surefire way for me to never respect another thing out of your mouth?  It only takes 4 special words… “I like Chris Berman.”

You like Chris Berman?  We’re done.  You can walk up to me, kick me in the ballsack, spit in my face and steal the $6 out of my wallet… and I’d still respect you more than if you said, “I like Chris Berman.”

I can’t believe there are actually sports fans out there that still like Berman’s schtick.  It makes no sense.  Sports fans… football fans, are some of the most fickle dudes on the planet, yet some still get a kick of out “Rumblin, Bumblin, Stumblin… WHOOP.  WHOOP. WHOOOOOP!”

His nicknames are lazy as shit too, yet people used to quote them incessantly.  “Peyton ‘Manfred’ Manning throws it up to Reggie Wayne’s World, and the defender is blinded by the light!  Touchdown, Colts 24, THE RAIIIIDDDDDAAAASSSS 14.”  Hahahaha!

“Thank you, I’ll be here forever.”

I don’t even care what this commercial is about; I’m too blinded by my hate of “Boomer.”  Applebees is advertising some new shitty dishes that will ultimately come out cold and undercooked.  Remember 10 years ago when no one outside of the “tex mex” region knew what the fuck “chipotle” was?  I’m not even talking about the burrito place, just the pepper itself. That shit is in everything now.  I think most people finally learned how to pronounce the word properly in 2010… now they’re working on adding “Qdoba” to the vernacular.  “Kwadaba?”

“I just can’t turn it off.”  What I wouldn’t give to own that remote control from “Click” right about now… I’d pause the scene and fondle the chick’s tit-tays (J/K… I’d caress them.) … I’m not a rapist…

… because in this scenario I’d have a rewind button.

Berman is such a douche…

I don’t even know what happened, but I don’t care, Berman is just… such… a douche.  Did he just sip a Coors Light?  It was probably a Diet Coke, but let’s just make up the rumor that Chris Berman drinks on the job.  Did he just quote Jack Buck with that “I can’t believe what I just saw?”  One of the best baseball calls ever, and he’s using it to describe some camera guy moving 4 inches to his left during a live broadcast… Did I mention he’s a douche?

Berman is such a bitch.  He can’t even complain well, “Wahhh, don’t get in my eyeline while I’m on!” Christian Bale did it better…

Gimmie an opportunity to listen to/post that rant, and I’m taking it.

Applebees was actually the place where I decided I wanted to be a writer. A conversation with friends led to the initial idea for my screenplay “White Gold” (coming to theaters 2036) which I went on to write 12 times before even learning how to format a proper screenplay.  You could even say I’m the Applebees of writers… I’m cheap, gimmicky and I always leave a bad taste in your mouth.  We eatin goooooood in the neighborhood!

But this isn’t about my amazingly flawed, albeit incredibly funny screenplay “White Gold” (coming to theaters 2054), it’s about that fat blowhard Chris Berman.

All behind the scenes chatter indicates the guy is more like he is in the second video than he is in the first.  I actually read the ESPN book and he came off like a pompous ass.  He probably walks around like his shit doesn’t stink, and I mean come on, look at em, that guy’s shit could probably clear an entire corridor on the Bristol campus.

You’ve been at ESPN since day 1?

You’re the highest paid “personality” on the network?

You have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

You’re enshrined in the Football Hall of Fame?

These are all extremely impressive accomplishments, and it kills me to admit it.

Don’t think I’m gonna finish without mentioning Alice from Workaholics.

I don’t mind her getting that paper, but I don’t like the idea of her hanging out with Soulja Boyardee and Chris Berman… she should be bossing around the bros at TelAmeriCorp, not chopping chipotles (are those chipotles?)  I like to imagine this was her job prior to managing that office.  Listening to Chris Berman’s constant barrage of nicknames and catchphrases turned the once bright-eyed sous chef into a raging bitch… although there’s something about her constant state of pissed off rage that gets me fully torqued.  Hey Alice, let’s get weird.

*Additional reference to Workaholics here*

Chris Berman recently signed a multi-year extension to remain at ESPN… FUCK!  He’s been there since day 1, and will probably remain there til he dies.  He… could… go… all… the … dammit, now he has me doing his stupid catchphrases!

I need to end this.  I could rant about Berman til the cows come home, but I think I’m gonna stop… I’m back, back, back, backbackback… gone!

(I hate me so much more than you do.)


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