Trailer Thursday – Here Comes the Boom

Here comes the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, maybe… right?  Somewhere someone’s stupid mother saw this trailer and got it confused with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

Kevin George Knipfing aka Kevin James stars as a Biology teacher turned MMA fighter… “I’m gonna stop you right there.  How exactly did you get into my office?  Security!”

Ok, so Kevin James is a former teacher of the year at your generic, probably inner-city high school.  There are budget cuts so he volunteers to raise money so the thug kids can still attend Key Club and Model U.N. instead of selling drugs after school.  He has to raise $48,000 for the school (because the rec center would have been too obvious) and decides the best way of doing it is to get into the lucrative world of mixed martial arts fighting.  Don’t worry though, he’s not just some fat schlub… he was a wrestler at some point in his past.

This premise is almost identical to “Warrior.”  The Joel Edgerton character is a teacher, and has to raise money to stop his house from going into foreclosure.  That movie was surprisingly excellent… seriously, I don’t like MMA fighting, but that movie was great.

Tom Hardy is also in it, because it’s a movie, and Tom Hardy is in every movie.  (Blog callback!)  The comparisons between these two movies are going to get old as hell… be prepared. (I’m sparing you the “Nacho Libre” parallels.)

Anyway, Kevin just so happens to have a best friend into MMA.  He’s a fighter or something, Bas Rutten… I don’t know him from a hole in the wall though.  So, Bassy probably trains him and shit and blah blah and kick, punch, it’s all in the mind.

48 grand?  Those are the stakes of this movie?  48 grand.  If they don’t come up with it, the kids won’t be able to play soccer and have chess club meetings.  Ohhh the humanity!  I find it hard to believe that an entire faculty can’t come up with a plan to raise less than $50,000.  (I made $446 this year.)

Kevin and Fonzie (continuing a nice career renaissance for Henry Winkler) go to some underground cage fights… yet again, stripped directly from “Warrior.”  Now look, I understand it could all be coincidence.  I’m sure 20 screenwriters all thought “Hey, I’ve never seen a MMA movie,” and shopped scripts around town, but at least make it look a little different.  I’m sure this was still filming when “Warrior” came out.

The principal, played by a “this friggin guy” candidate, tells him he’s embarrassing the school.  Pretty positive the principal in “Warrior” said the same thing.

This friggin guy!

Kevin James lands Salma Hayek, because Kevin James’s contract stipulations demand he be paired with an attractive dark skinned women who is way out of his league.  Salma plays another teacher at his school… if she isn’t the Spanish teacher, I’m calling foul on that character.   Could you imagine that stupid accent teaching algebra?

“Pleeece assuse my dear Aunt Solly.”

Henry Winkler is the Music teacher by the way.  The only reason I bring that up is because they show it a few times, and it makes me think it plays a major role in the plot.  Is that what he wants to save?  Kevin watches the class longingly.  The school probably has a nationally ranked band or something, or maybe an acapella group and this is a “Pitch Perfect” crossover! … Who knows, who cares?  You gotta think at some point Winkler punches a jukebox, then winks to the camera.

“Some things are worth fighting for,” just flashed on the screen.  Did they come up with that?  That’s a pretty good quote.

Kevin naturally makes it all the way to the UFC, where  Joe Rogan, coming off his last tour-de-force role in “Zookeeper,” calls the action.  His imdb character credit is “Douchey Midget Windbag.” (J/K he plays himself… a douchey midget windbag.)

It looks like the entire school watches Kevin in the big fight… again, right out of “Warrior.”  And this looks like the big climatic fight…

Tapout should use that silhouette as their “Jumpman.”

Will Kevin win $50k, or lose and only get a measly $10k?  Hmm, I wonder.  Will he save the school, or will he die in the octagon and leave 1000 children extra curricular-less? Go see “Here Comes the Boom” to find out.

It wouldn’t be a Kevin James flick without some slapsticky pratfalls, and this looks like it has plenty of them.  Thing is… it doesn’t seem all that funny.  This is presented like a dramedy.  There weren’t many moments in the trailer where I’d imagine the crowd laughing, but then again, movie crowds are retards.  I think 6 people in my theatre had a laugh induced heart attack when we first saw Alan’s shaved head in “Hangover 2” … a gag that was in every trailer.

This movie is about as formulaic as they come.  I bet at the end he gets so good at fighting he has a chance to stay on the professional level, but opts to retain his teaching position, “for the kids.”  The Principal and Kev probably become fast friends, and they probably start a MMA club after school. Oh, and Paco the insubordinate gangbanger finally shows him some respect, with a line like, “Chu know what Mr. Whatever?  You ain’t so bad after all,” or “You a bad mama jama!”

Kevin James looks like he really got in shape for this movie…

I’m sure people will nominate him for the Nobel Prize in nutrition for it, like he isn’t a multi-multi-millionaire who could hire Nutritionists to cook him massive 35 calorie dinners than taste like ice cream sundaes.  There is nothing impressive about a Hollywood actor getting in shape; they literally have the best Trainers, Chefs, and Drugs at their disposal.  It’s like complimenting people who get gastric bypass… “Congrats on… saving enough money to cover the surgery!”

One good thing about this flick is that P.O.D. is probably about to make some dough.  I think that stood for “Payable on Death,” but for this movie, I’m gonna go ahead and assume it means “Plot Outline Deleted.”

I won’t act like this is the worst looking movie of all time.  It certainly doesn’t look good though, especially if you know of “Warrior’s” existence.  I’ll probably watch it the same way I’ve seen every Kevin James movie… at 12:30 on a Tuesday night on Starz.  Go watch “Warrior” instead.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 47%


1 thought on “Trailer Thursday – Here Comes the Boom

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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