Eli Manning Commercials


Eli Manning is a sneaky-funny dude, he’s led my favorite team to 2 Super Bowl titles, and I love the man.  I love that man and I don’t give a fuck how gay that sounds… but I think I hate his friggin commercials… but you know you can’t spell “commercials” without “Eli.”

Here’s the latest…

Eli shows up in his $20,000 Toyota and stares at Wilford Brimley cat until he jumps down from the tree.  I don’t think I get it.  What’s the message here?  Are they implying that Eli’s success is due to his telekinetic ability to control whatever he stares it?  That’s insulting to Eli, the Giants, their fans, and Jedis alike.  Although to be fair, you can’t spell “telekinesis” without “Eli.”

What’s with the weird “monkey” guy just standing there?  I want to know how much money he got paid for that gig.  He didn’t even get to say “orangutan” in this commercial.  That should be catchphrase. (He’s also in an Ikea commercial, btw.)

And why the hell is Eli helping Me-ma anyway?  She’s a Browns fan.

“Art Modell died!”

Ya see, there are seriously about 100 commercial actors, and 100 only… once you get in the “talent pool,” you’re in for life.

Here’s another “Eli Manning really does drive a Toyota,” commercial… which is 100% bullshit, because the guy has a $100 million contract.  If Eli really did drive a Toyota, I’d be pretty damn disappointed…

The move here would have been to stare at the guy until he stopped playing, then steal his dykey sounding girlfriend.  There’s another one where he starts a black guy’s lawnmower… and it made me realize, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a black guy mowing his lawn… then again, I’m court mandated to stay 500 feet away from all black people.  (just kidding… it’s 1000 feet.)

I’m already sick of these…

Can we all admit that Deion Sanders is a fuckin clown?

First it was the flamboyant suits, then the shitty album, now he’s finally admitting he’s a fairy…  Someone get the fly swatter.

The word “mancave” is really starting to get on my nerves, too.  When did this become the go-to name for the room you watch sports in?  “Mancave” sounds like San Francisco slang for an asshole.  Boom, take that San Francisco, right in your mancaves!

The season is 3 weeks old and there have already been about 20 of these commercials.  The Peyton ones are better… let’s be real though, Peyton is a comedy dynamo.  No knock to Eli but he’s about half as funny as his brother… but Peyton only has half the amount of rannnnggggggs Eli has!

Please remove rings before fapping…

Then we had the seemingly endless campaign with Eli and this doofus…

Talk about a punch me face… I hope Eli let the guy keep that trophy because his mantle is already cluttered with those 2 Superbowl MVPs!!!

fappity, fap fap fap

(Is the internet even still using “fap?”)

I wanted to hate this guy, he was getting on my friggin nerves, but then he went and totally redeemed himself with this one…

He just straight disrespects the Sanchize to his face.  Remember when Mark Sanchez was a thing?  “He made two AFC title games, wahhhh!” Oh yeah? Eli is both a Super Bowl and DSRL Champion…

Eli is the man… the man.  I don’t even care that I’m getting my Yankee fan on by bragging about Eli’s accomplishments… because you know what?   You can’t spell “accomplishments” without “Eli.”

Here are some other words you cannot spell without “Eli” – Athletic, Delightful, Unbelievable, Eliminator, Reliable, Ligendary, Valuible, Incredible, Phenominal, Religion, Champlien and of course, Fellacio.

Off Topic – Eli’s Wikipedia pic cracks me up.  He looks like a politician…. like he just won an election for Assemblyman of some shitty little Louisiana town… which he could do if he wanted to, because you can’t spell “politecs” without “Eli.”

“Thanks Conz, but you suck at spelling.”

You can’t spell “spelling” without “Eli!”

I leave you with Eli’s best commercial…


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