Terrible Music Tuesday – Internet Explorer 9 “Too Close”

Let me tell you something about my taste in music… I tend to dislike songs in which I don’t instantly know if a male or female is singing.  In fact, I still don’t believe the singer from Mars Volta is actually a guy.  When I first saw this new Microsoft ad, I was stumped.  I honestly don’t know if this is a man or a woman singing, all I know is that it’s catchy (in a bad way) and it’s starting to piss me off…

I’m leaning towards man, but it could easily be a Tracy Chapman looking black woman.  The artist’s name is Alex Clare, so that leaves plenty of ambiguity there.  We got ourselves an “It’s Pat” situation here.

They made a movie about this character…

“Why not just google it Conz, you sexy motherfucker you?”

Google?  Bitch please, this is an Internet Explorer themed entry, I’ma open up IE and Bing that shit…

*Re-booting*  Friggin Bing.

Who the fuck uses Bing?  Better yet, who still uses Internet Explorer?  Let me open Firefox and hit up Google.  Yes, I still use Firefox. Now is about the time to attempt to lecture me on how much better Chrome is… well ya know what?  Chrome doesn’t have all the extensions that make downloading porn important stuff a breeze like Firefox does, so you can keep your fancy Chrome.

This is apparently what Alex Clare looks like…

uhhh… what?

There’s gotta be some kind of Milli Vanilli voodoo shit going down here.  That cannot be the face that emits that voice.  Can’t be.

Back to Internet Explorer… seriously, who the fuck is using Internet Explorer?  Isn’t that like the online equivalent of having unprotected sex?  You have a better chance of catching a virus with Internet Explorer than you do sharing heroin needles in a back alley.  I think I’d sooner use Netscape Navigator.

I guess Microsoft is trying to sell us on Internet Explorer 9 by showing us… I don’t even know, animations?  You can play with Paint on the browser now or something?  You can watch shitty movies like Iron Man 2 on your browser?  You can play games like ‘Cut the Rope?’  Aren’t games like that made specifically for phone use on the toilet?  Oh, you can also put a Facebook icon on your desktop screen… whoaaaaaaaaaa.

“Sites you love one click away.”  How many clicks does it take for you to open Facebook?  Three tops?  This might even be more pointless than yesterday’s technology entry.

“A more beautiful web is a story.”  The fuck does that mean?  What is this commercial showing that I can’t do on Firefox or Chrome?  Again, I’m lost.  Sure, this stuff looks cool and all, but I’m failing to comprehend why you need IE9 to do it. Internet Explorer is Lindsay Lohan status at this point.  Your reputation is shit.  Go star in a made for television movie, Internet Explorer, you’re no longer a reliable draw at the box office… Lifetime, television for women!


The best part of this commercial is that 90% of the people watching it on YouTube are using Firefox or Chrome.

Who knows though, maybe Internet Explorer will regain the crown it lost about a decade ago when Mozilla hit the interwebs.  And maybe Blockbuster will then rise from the ashes and put iTunes and NetFlix out of business.  Maybe K-Mart will surpass Walmart in sales.  Maybe the “Joe Buck Show” will be renewed and become a ratings juggernaut.  Maybe the Scots will finally capture Nessie, and I’ll get recognition from this blog!

Taint happening, Microsoft.  It was a valiant effort, but it ain’t happening.

Here’s a live acoustic version of Alex Clare performing Too Close

It doesn’t make sense.  Close your eyes, tell me you don’t picture a Tracy Chapman looking black woman.

“I can’t lie no more, I can’t hide no more, got to be true to myself…”

Instead you got the hirsute Smitty McGillicutty singing.

I won’t even lie to you folks, what you’re seeing here today is what people call a “half assed” effort.  I realized earlier today that I didn’t have a “Terrible Music” commercial on deck for Tuesday and watched TV for 15 minutes hoping to hear anything I could possible spin… Don’t get me wrong, this song sucks, but “terrible” is a strong word.  I’m sure some of you clowns like it.   I think the lyrics are actually pretty powerful.  Here, let me open IE9 and Bing them…

*sigh* *Re-booting*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s