Samsung Galaxy sIII – “Share-Shot Wedding”

Sorry for the delay, reader(s?)  I had a really busy weekend… but that is no excuse.  The people (person?) need hate filled commercial reviews, and I’m the man who has to provide them with such.  This will not happen again as I pride myself on punctuality, and proper punctuation:’

(that’s the puncuation mark I invented called the colonostrophe. It’s used when someone is “talking out of their ass.”)

I got on Subway’s case recently for building an ad campaign around their “restaurants” serving avocado.  I thought it was way too tiny an offering to form a multiple commercial arc around.  Seriously, you serve avocado?  Big fuckin deal.  Let that be a surprise when I desperately wander into one of your little rat hole sub shops.  … It looks like Samsung has taken a page out of Subway’s book.

Today I drop a fat deuce on Samsung’s latest horse in the Android vs. iPhone battle…

Looks like the Galaxy s3 has dropped.  “Aw man!  The dickhead at Verizon just sold me a goddamn s2,” said everyone who has a poorly timed contract.

This completely unobservant broad keeps missing all the memorable parts of the wedding because she refuses to turn her head.  Seriously, she’s gotta be the most aloof chick on the planet, everything is pretty much happening right around her, pay a-fuckin-ttention!  If only she had a new Samsung Galaxy s3 from Verizon, with 4g, available now on a 2 year plan!

Verizon is promoting the s3 with a new feature in which all of your friends get the pictures you take instantly.

Welcome to the future!

What am I missing here?  Why is this a cool feature?  Why the fuck would I buy a phone based on this information?  And why would they use a wedding to illustrate just how great this technology is?  You’re all in the same damn room.  Tell Frank to walk his fat ass over and just show you the picture he just took.  The broad is upset because she keeps missing out on perfect photo ops… like pictures don’t count unless she clicks the “take photo” button.  Fuckin Annie Leibovitz over here.

Why the hell would you even want this?  You don’t need to see everyone’s pictures the second after they are taken.  Give it 5 minutes and the pics will be on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest anyway (admission – That’s a guess.  I don’t have a clue what the hell pinterest is.)

Naturally, because advertisers have to pander to everyone, we get the standard “United Nations” shot… Asian guy, black girl, Spanish girl, white girl… check.

“Ching chang, bing bang.” “A-yo-yo-yo.” “Ayy chi-wa-wa papi.” “What?”

“Everyone’s taking pictures like they’re paparazzi.” … so why the hell does dopey need to take pics too?  Again, you are going to see these pics very shortly.  Sorry it wasn’t instantly… what an inconvenience.  Should have sprung for that new $700 s3!

How many people are at this wedding that this chick has managed to miss out on every single thing that has taken place?  The Dad dance was literally right behind her.  You’re telling me she didn’t hear the commition from 20 feet away?

Then she takes a shit during the first dance…

“Sure hope I’m not missing anyth…” *FART*

Don’t you have a pretty good idea when this kinda thing is gonna happen?  If you were really dead set on seeing the first dance, why not ask around before shitting out the fish you had for dinner?  Should have had the prime rib, dummy.  … And again… she’s upset because she didn’t get a picture.  Ask one of the 80 people there with the same phone to show them to you.  “Hey, do you mind e-mailing or tagging me in that?”  There, boom, you have the pics now.  Or ya know what’s even better?  Watch it with your own damn eyes!

Cell phone features came on too strong all at once, now they have shitty exclusive features like this.  Who the fuck is running out to buy this phone because they could instantly share photos with their friends?  I’m sure this model has 1000 cool features, why is this the one you advertise?

I can’t get over how stupid this is.  Does everyone need the same phone to have this tech?  Is it a special app?  What happens if you leave it on and some “private” photos go out to everyone “in your 5?” (Remember that dumbass feature?)

“Awww man, Steve’s taking pictures of his ballsack again!”

“Holy crap!  Susie takes it in the butt?!”

“Is it just me, or is Lisa’s baby fuckin retarded looking?”

I must be missing the point.  I’m stumped.  I can’t think of one reason this is a good idea.  Apple must see commercials like this and just laugh.  Oh wait…

Get in line, people!  New earbuds!  I mean, yeah, those look like they are more comfortable and form fitting, but that’s a selling point of the new iPhone?  I recall people were disappointed in the new specs, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.  There’s nothing else to promote beside new ear buds?

I think we’ve petered out on the cool new cell phone features for awhile.  I can’t even imagine where we go next.  “The new Motorola Laser will read your friend’s tweets aloud as soon as they post them!”  I neeeeeeeed one, now!!!!

“You talk a big game.  What kinda phone do you have, Conzy baby?”

I have a HTC Incredible 2… which is essentially a relic in the smart phone game.  I know it has almost become a cliché reason, but I like the ability to customize my phone…

Would you look at that customization!!!!!

… and I try to stay as far away from iTunes as possible.  iTunes is a festering anal wart on society’s asshole.

In closing, fuck iTunes.  Fuck iTunes so hard, people in Idaho get a glitch.  Fuck iTunes for bloating my memory, being slow as shit, for not being able to locate a moved file, for having a monopoly on the music buying (“buying” hahahalol) industry, for disconnecting if I move my iPod, for randomly unsubscribing me from podcasts, for CONSTANTLY asking for updates, for stealthily reloading quicktime everytime I agree to something, for telling me my iPod is not formatted properly every 5th time I plug it in, for taking 2 minutes to load the store…

(CONT’D on page 43)

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