Kia Soul – Hamsters

The worst…  Here’s the most recent ad featuring these horrific abominations of Science…

This is what these companies do.  They introduce characters in commercials that are semi-relevant to said characters… then they just put them in situations that make no sense from that point on.

What the fuck is going on in this commercial?  Is this present day or the 1700s?  According to the description on the YouTube video:

“They’re back. And this time they’ve gone way back in their time-traveling Kia Soul. That’s right, the hamsters are bringing down the house, only it’s an 18th century opera house. And they’re showing a traditional upper-crust crowd how to party their britches off with Axwell’s remix of “In My Mind” by Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl ft. Georgi Kay.”

I just cannot get over the fact that people get paid for this.  So the Kia Soul is the new Delorean, and man-sized hamsters are using it to go back in time to play house music for some flamboyant assholes in powder wigs? Oh, and they also managed to rig the entire house with a sophisticated laser display?  These people have never seen an automobile, or heard music like this… yet they’re fine just popping and locking with some mutant hybrids from the future?  Bullshit.  They would have run out of there in hysterics the second that Manster yanked his mask off, screaming “The end is nigh!”

…or maybe before… that’s terrifying.

These hamsters have been around for a few years now, I guess people really responded well.

I think this was the original…

… The first time we were introduced to these Hamsters that I’m sure were pitched as “Vermin with swag” by some dork in Kia’s corporate office.  I bet at one point he even called them “Hamstas” and then probably followed it with an inappropriate “yo, yo, yo,” making everyone uncomfortable in the room… especially Derek, the only African American at the table… the first in his family to graduate college.  Ya see Derek thought he’d avoid prejudice like this in the world of corporate advertising… Morehouse didn’t teach you everything D-Rock.  You live and you learn.

This one made sense. “A new way to roll.”  Right, Hamsters roll in their hamster wheels, why not put them in a Kia Soul?  I can kinda see the train of thought there.  Then they decided to ramp it up a bit, put them in flashy gangsta clothes, and take a left down the road to irrelevance…

I like the head honcho Hammy rocking his “Hamstar” shirt. (Knew they had a corny name.)  I guarantee people weren’t positive what kind of animals they were in the first commercial, so they had to clear it up.  “Is it a guinea pig, or a mouse, or a gerbil?”

“I’m a Hamstar, son!”

To be fair, I do own this T-shirt and wear it often.  I don’t need people confusing me for a cyborg or something.

Pretty sure that commercial was a diss track to those Scion cars that look like… toasters? Washing machines?  I actually have no fuckin clue what that was.

If that’s the case… they look like the same fuckin car.  What kinda weak ass battle is this?  “There’s only room for one cheap ass, off brand, boxy SUV thing on the road!”  That’s like China and Japan getting into a war over appearances… they all look the same.  Shots fired!

Look the Kia Soul over… I honestly think I’d rather drive a toaster.

BTW, in case you were wondering, the official classification of the Kia Soul is an “urban crossover vehicle.”  A what?  Did they invent that to coincide with their urban crossover house pets? Ever heard anyone say, “Yo, check out my new UCV?!”

I will say this… The Choice is Yours is still a sick track, and I’m glad Black Sheep cleared a check.

Speaking of “sick tracks,” this track makes me sick…

What the fuck, man?!  Now they’re in some kind of apocalyptic video game world?  How the hell did they get there, did the time travel speedometer break?  Are we to believe that their dancing is the great equalizer?  They manage to stop the carnage just by shaking their fat asses… where the fuck where you when the war started?  You wait until the world is smoldering in ashes to make dance peace with the robots? Fuck you, Hamstars.  Too little too late.

Could you imagine what those punk kids on Xbox Live would say if you made your Soldier (Souldier?) do this?

“Stop dancing or I’ll burn your house down, faggot!”

Here’s the YouTube description of this one:

“First they drove. Then they rapped. Now they’re dancing (to LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem). But they’re not doing any old dance. They’re shuffling. And they’re doing it harder, faster and better than any hamster has ever shuffled before. Did you see their performance during the MTV VMA’s?”

They performed at the VMAs?  Dancing Hamsters performed at the MTV Video Music Awards…  Just let that simmer for a few…

And by the by Kia, no hamster has ever shuffled… ever.  Unless there are Hamster poker dealers in little hamster casinos I don’t know about… playing for food pellets instead of money… hamster cocktail waitresses bringing over one of those big water bottle things with the metal straws for a drink… how cute… aww… what?  Alright, keep your pants on, I’ll finish this shitty blog post…

I can’t wait to see where these little shits go next.  The lost city of Atlantis?

“They’ve driven, rapped, and danced.  Now they’re swimming (to Skillrex’s new piece of shit).  But they’re not doing any old swim.  They’re bubbling.  And they’re getting all the mermaids and merman in on the fun.  Hamsters under the sea?!  Anything’s possible with the new 2013 Kia Soul.  The “Soul” is short for ‘Ass-soul.’

What’s the average lifespan of a hamster? I feel like every kid I knew that had them had a mass graveyard in their backyards.  I think it’s about time these dance machines kick the bucket.  Stop the madness!

RIP Randy Savage and that hamster/gerbil/whateverthefuck.


1 thought on “Kia Soul – Hamsters

  1. Pingback: Super Bowl Commercials 2013 | Conz Hates Commercials

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