Coors Light – Ice Cube

Here’s O’Shea Jackson ripping mics in the studio…

“Who?”

Ice Cube, son!  His real name is O’Shea Jackson.  Crazy, right?  That sounds like a character from “Leprechaun in the Hood,” not a famous rapper/actor/whatever the hell else these guys tack on to their résumé.

I don’t really understand these commercials… I mean, I do, but they aren’t funny.  Apparently Coors Light… the inanimate alcoholic beverage… thinks it’s colder than Ice Cube.  It cuts off his recording session in mid bar.  I wanted to know what was coming, but O’Shea didn’t even have a chance to finish his undoubtedly sick multi, ya heard mah?

Cube exits the booth (Shout out to Big Tig, we remember you kid) and puts the cap back on the Coors Light.  That’s it.  “Damn, my only weakness!”  You can’t be built up as an opposing force if a simple re-capping shuts you down.  That’s literally the opposite of how rap beefs usually end… by busting caps.

Somehow the cap comes off, and CL hits the booth.  We don’t get to hear it rap unfortunately.  I’m sure it would just yap about the Rocky Mountains and shit.  We do hear the rest of Cube’s bar though.  It was the “big show” that was coming.  I guess Paul Wight was featured on that track.

“They call me Big Show, so now you know. Ask me what’s big and I’ll show you Ho! Ohhhhh.”

I won’t lie; I jacked that “yay yayyy” from Cube years ago.  Kids were prancing around, hanging their limp wrists and screaming “Holla!” and Conz was all like… “Holla?  Kid, you corny as fuck.  Yay Yayyyy!”

I don’t understand why Cube and CL (not to be confused with CL Smooth… although that rich rocky mountain taste goes down smooth) have so much beef.  Back in da day, Cube had lyrical battles with real emcees like Common (who makes worse movies than Cube), and his former NWA crew. I mean in 1993 Ice Cube had much more “ba-e-ya-e-younce” and was comin with the half ounce… now he’s spitting subliminals at 12 ounce aluminum cans. It must be because Cube only drinks that Alizé, and none of that pussy ass light beer.  Can I get a “yay yayyy?”

Here’s Cube running down his accomplishments and just going in on CL with no vaseline…

Turn on the radio. Cube.  Turn on the TV. Cube.  Turn on the movies. Cube.  CL counters by showing a few advertisements, and it’s on!  How?  Radio/TV/Movies > Truck/Billboard/Banner.  Cube won this round.

Looks like Craig and Deebo are finally seeing eye to lazy eye…

Speaking of eye, what’s with those 3 bowling ball finger hole moles Cube has on his cheekbone?

It looks like the red laser scope Predator uses as an aiming mechanism.

This movie was dogshit.

It’s like Cube’s head is a salt shaker…

I hope that’s not the case, because salt is an ice cube’s #2 mortal enemy behind the sun.

Is it a tat?  It’s a perfect equilateral triangle.  You know what I think it is? Freemasonry.  The triangle.  The all seeing eye.  I’ve long heard that these hip hop stars dabbled in this shit, but this just confirms it. (I’m not even positive I’m wrong here.)

Anyway, Tiny aka Deebo, tries to intimidate CL, but it bukkake’s snow all over his face… then he drinks it.  Ewwwwwww.  Cube tells him not to, but Deebo does what Deebo wants.  I heard Tiny is going to prison soon, so I guess he’s prepping… although who would try to fuck with Deebo?  Also, how is this not a reality show? “Deebo Goes to Prison” would be a smash hit.

Here Cube and CL have a little sit down to discuss their respective temperatures.  Cube thinks he’s the coldest, but CL is cold as ice, and not willing to sacrifice.  CL instead blows a cold load all over Cube’s dots.  At least he doesn’t drink CL afterwards.

“Aw hell no!”

I ain’t even mad at Cube for getting his paper, but these commercials are fuckin stupid as hell.

O’Shea Jackson has had a weird career arc.  As a young man in High School he dreamed of taking over the rap game with his friends.  Ya see, they were black, and they had attitude…

“They call me ‘Miami Ice'”

He started out in the streets of Compton shittin on the popo, making Raiders hats fashionable, and probably raw doggin hoes like it was his job…

What’s MC Ren gotta do to get a “Are We There Yet?” franchise?!

Then he went solo for that dolo.  Had some good days, checked himself, wrecked yo-self, started hitting people with a bop gun, and made some noise.  He re-connected with a few of his boys on the Westide… then he went Hollywood.

He has some classics under his belt, imo.  “Boyz n the Hood” (I’m not allowed to tell you what the “n” stands for) “Friday” “Three Kings” “Ana-motherfuckin-conda”… then he kinda went off the rails…

“So when I’m in your neighborhood, you better duck cuz Ice Cube is crazy as fuck”

I guess in time, everyone has to do a family film or two, even O’Shea Jackson.  He had a nice little comeback in “21 Jump Street” but he’s long overdue for another “Three Kings” type role.

Get on that Cube.  Stop worrying about your new “very funny” sitcom on TBS and make a couple movies where you play the tough badass again.  Start picking on guys your own size, not little bottles of beer.

I saiduh, can I get another “Yay yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”

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