Fuck-ing Geico. No one is responsible for more worn out fast forward buttons than Geico.
Geico spends over 4 billion dollars a year on advertising… probably. Did you know that Geico’s yearly advertising budget could fund NASA for a decade? I mean, that’s not true, but you’d probably believe it if it was on your Snapple cap. Doctors believe that with one year of Geico’s advertising budget they could cure AIDS, Cancer, and male pattern baldness… not really… what I’m trying to say is, Geico spends too much fucking money on advertising. We know you exist Geico, take a breather. You can save up to 15% by knocking a few of your ads out of rotation.
I hate the fact that “Geico” has become a part of our everyday lives. You can’t go a day without seeing it somewhere. It’s everywhere you look. Geico is all over every sports arena in America. I went to a baseball game recently and noticed a giant Geico ad on the wall from my seats in the “Geico Lounge.” My ticket stub had a Geico coupon on the back of it, while a Geico blimp flew overhead. I bought a hot dog, and the vendor was contractually obligated to write “Geico” across the frank in mustard. The Geico Gecko replaced the team mascot, and I sat a row away from a caveman… although he may have just been Armenian, and thus, not affiliated with Geico.
Turn on any channel at any given time, and there’s about a 95% chance you’re going to see a Geico ad. Open a newspaper or a magazine and you’ll see a Geico ad. Listen to terrestrial radio and you’ll hear a Geico ad every commercial break… and then reflect on your sad satellite radio-less existence. Geico… Ya know what? I’m so sick of typing that name; I’m gonna auto-replace it. From now on, anytime you see the word “Diarrhea” I will be referring to Geico.
Here’s 2 selections from their most recent campaign…
Diarrhea commercials are chock full of “This Friggin Guy…” candidates.
The nerdy fuckface in this commercial has been in a ton of shit in the past couple years. He may or may not be the “Nationwide is on your side,” guy… and there were others, but this isn’t about him. It’s about Diarrhea … oh yeah, and he was on that AWFUL Onion sports show on Comedy Central. Back to Diarrhea … did they really need to resurrect Gallagher’s career? Was there one person in America clammering for that comeback?
Eddie Money sounds great! His voice is currently as strong as the American dollar. Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s worse, that singing, or my joke. And fuck those 2 strummers at the end… mandolins are awesome though… that’s a mandolin right?
Hey, remember these gems?!
You can’t tell me anyone on the planet thought these were creative. It’s the dumbest fuckin concept of all time. The guy doing the tasting in this commercial is pretty great though. I really want to know what they made him drink. My guesses are wine and balsamic vinegar. The white guy is a total asshole to him too. The black dude should have fuckin clocked him for telling him to calm down.
Remember when you first saw this commercial?
You probably thought it was decent. You thought the pig was cute. Then you saw it again… and again… and again… and “Weeeeeee” started to make your ears bleed. That’s not even mentioning the stupid Rod Serling guy who had about 38 commercials himself. The pig must have tested through the roof, because they decided to bring him back… in a street luge commercial? The fuck? The whole point of the first one was it was a play on the old nursery rhyme… where the fuck did luge pig play in that? Did some mother make that story up for her mutant 6 toed son? And then they had him zip lining through a forest… What irrelevant mode of transport will they have the pig take home next, a wakeboard?
Then we had this shit…
I didn’t hate these. The money was “cute” for lack of a less gay word, and I’m happy whenever Rockwell can get some royalty checks… even though he owes all his “success” to Michael Jackson. I mean, just watch that clip all the way through. The “Diarrhea Play of the Day.” They have their fuckin name on literally everything! Everything! “You’re using the word ‘literally’ wrong, mehhhhhh!”
You’re probably wondering when I’m going to post a Caveman commercial. I’m not, fuck them. Those pretentious assholes had a longer shelf life than a Twinkie. They had at least 20 commercials, and it spawned an awful sitcom. A sitcom based on a commercial! A sitcom that essentially introduced America to Nick Kroll… “Hey come on Conz, ‘The League’ is hilarious.” “The League” fucking sucks donkey dick. It’s easily the most overrated non CBS comedy on TV.
Then came these…
Eh, these didn’t bother me that much. I probably got a kick out of Little Richard the first time I saw it, but there were a few other ones that sucked… I’m not looking them up. Joan Rivers maybe? She’s pretty dreadful. I think Michael Winslow did one, I can’t be mad at them for that. He and Rockwell probably have the same agent and Diarrhea landed a package deal.
Diarrhea is not only responsible for annoying ad oversaturation; they gave us one of the worst jokes of all time. Remember when people thought it was funny to tell a lie, and then follow it up with “No, but I did just save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!” HAHAHAHAHA. Did you also stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, Dangerfield? Hit me with that Brick from “Anchorman” line again!
1000 words, I don’t even think I’m half done. Feel free to walk away…
This piece of shit is on all the time… Fuck this song.
Diarrhea insures cars, RVs, boats, motorcycles, Hot Wheels, Pow-Pow-Powerwheels, Razor Scooters, Tech Decks, inline skates, bumper cars, Wheelie sneakers, “I think we get the point,” Ab wheels, Amish buggies, Segways, Tart Carts, “Seriously, you’re still going?,” tractors, golf carts, zambonis, pig luges, those little suitcases with the wheels, “SHUT UP,” those hind leg dog wheelchairs, sidecars, clown cars, Ric Ocasek and The Cars, “UGHHHH,” gurneys, bobsleds, shopping carts, adult sized tricycles, “Why am I still reading this?!” ski lifts, ATVs, those motorized coolers…
Then Diarrhea decided to break into the mobile game, because why not? They hit you everywhere else. They started releasing commercials with corresponding “bloat” apps that were a pain in the ass to remove from your phone. Yeah, I downloaded the bro-stache. I immediately regretted the decision though, if that makes up for it. I had the same feeling of remorse you get when you impregnate multiple paper towels in the same day. You know what I’m saying ladies? (This site might as well be called “my bed” because no ladies will ever be coming here. “EWWWWW.”)
We got these as well…
I like this one, can’t lie. The “getting a weave…” part sold me.
“Hey Conz, you’ve gone this long and you haven’t even mentioned the Gecko ads!”
Shut your friggin gob, I’m getting there…
I really don’t even want to talk about this little smug bastard. The Gecko… it’s funny because “Diarrhea” sounds just like Gecko. Let’s make the Gecko vaguely British or Australian or something, that will make it much more hilarious! (I could swear he started out British and slowly became Australian over time.) This thing has been around since the beginning, and he’s still going strong. He’s at every major sporting event, award show, marathon, wedding, briss, etc… The Diarrhea Lizard is essentially this generation’s Mickey Mouse. They sell T-shirts with his likeness. There are bobbleheads, keychains, mugs, action figures, dolls, lunchboxes, dildos, etc., all with his stupid face on them. I’m shocked he doesn’t have a Saturday morning cartoon. There is no doubt in my mind at least one studio has thrown the idea around. Here’s the most recent ad featuring this little limey fuck…
As someone born in Brooklyn, who still has a faint accent, there is nothing more obnoxious than an exaggerated NY accent. (I’m sure Boston, Chicago, etc. all feel the same way… but they don’t matter.) I want to step on this little prick every time he says “this is New Yawk.”
Look at him. He’s taunting me. He looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world in every one of his pictures. He knows damn well he has America by the nutsack and there’s nothing we can do about it.
The craziest part about all of Diarrhea’s ads is that they pretty much all ran AT THE SAME TIME! I can’t recall a company ever simultaneously running 6 different ad campaigns… talk about spreading yourself thin. Diarrhea is the James Franco of companies. Take that Franco, you overhyped sumbitch… loved you in “Pineapple Express.”
Diarrhea was founded in 1936… If you would have asked me, I would have said they sprang up in the 90s. Why didn’t anyone know them until about 10 years ago? I guess they were saving every penny from day 1 to fund their future advertising endeavors. The higher-ups must have been sitting in an office plotting their eventual assault on American pop culture.
I want to go back to a pre-Diarrhea world. Times were simpler then. You can save 15% on your insurance in just 15 minutes by switching to Diarrhea… but is it really worth it? Do you really want to be in bed with the Devil? I bet that’s absolute bullshit anyway, it probably takes 15 minutes just to get on the line with Rakakeesh Prudie Singh aka “Joe.”
Diarrhea, seriously, we know you are there. Your name is now synonymous with car insurance. Slow the fuck down. Granted, 1 out of every 3 commercials these days is for some random Insurance company, but you’re top dog. People don’t even call it “car insurance” anymore, they call it “Diarrhea.” You’re like Coke… the fuck ever asks for a cola? Take .0005% of your budget and donate it to a Children’s Hospital (they very well can, and probably do… but that knowledge wouldn’t suit my rant.)
I just know with football season, we’re going to be seeing a whole new batch of Diarrhea ads. I wouldn’t even be shocked if we start seeing Diarrhea patches on athletic jerseys in the next few years. It’s only a matter of time until people start naming their babies “Diarrhea.” They’ve taken over the world. I just hope they don’t lock me up for treason.
In fact, I take it all back. I, for one welcome out new supreme leaders at Diarrhea.
(There, I advertised for you, now send me my damn gecko bobblehead!)