Trailer Thursday – Trouble with the Curve

This was a request from one of my (3) loyal readers.  I don’t even feel like reviewing it, but it was either this or some stupid Bradley Cooper movie…

So this movie is about Clint Eastwood playing a Braves scout that is going blind.  He’s one of the best because he signed Dusty Baker, Dale Murphy, and Tom Glavine.  I hate Tom Glavine’s stupid fuckin face, therefore I hate this fictional character for signing him…  Shoulda just let him play hockey.

Clint aka Gus starts losing his vision, so his estranged daughter, who is on the verge of landing a prominent law job or something, has to come to town and help him see shit… most likely the err of his ways… it’s a metaphor yo.  The daughter is played by Jessica Chastain, no, Bryce Dallas Howard, no, Jenna Fischer, no, Isla Fisher, no, Amy Fisher? No, Amy Adams.  There really is no shortage of cute, rapidly aging redheads in Hollywood these days, is there?  “What about that chick on ‘Mad Men’ with the huge tits?!?!”  Glad you mentioned her… most overrated chick in Hollywood by a country mile.

Mrs. Baron Cohen >>>>>>

There seems to be about 75 different conflicts going on in this movie.  Clint ditched his daughter when his wife died, so they have beef.  She’s back in the picture, looking out for him despite the fact she has a great opportunity in life.  Blah, blah, daddy issues, blah blah.  Clint is about to be canned because he’s too blind to sign some tubby top prospect.  Clint fights a coffee table, a waitress, and a guy at a bar.  Clint seems to be on bad terms with his old scout buddies.  Clint also fights against the use of sabermetrics, so they’re trying to capture that “Moneyball” audience.  All the classic narrative conflicts are there — Man against Man, Man against Nature, Man against Himself, Man against Furniture, Man against Bill James… Clint’s such a salty motherfucker.

“GRRRRRR! Whattaya mean RBIs aren’t important?!”

Justin Timberlake is in this too.  He plays a rival scout I think.  He’s probably a former player who blew out his knee or something… they always are.  I’m sure he’ll have beef with Clint initially, but they’ll be buds at the end because he falls in love with Amy Adams, which is a stretch as every chick he’s pulled in real life is significantly hotter than Amy Adams. (Man against Pop Star who fucks your daughter.  Shakespeare is famous for that one.) Speaking of pulling, according to JT’s scouting report he pulls outside pitches to a fault.  He’s also a switch hitter… probably.  I got nothing but heterosexual love for my man Timberlake, but there’s no chance he hasn’t taken a shot or two in the mouth over the years.  Lou Pearlman was all up in that.

There’s no reason for me to know this guy’s name.

This movie looks like a total chick flick disguised as a sports movie.  They try to present it as a comedy in a few places with some terrible one liners, such as…  “It’s fang schmay, don’t you know anything?” “Life’s full of swings and misses; you just gotta make contact more often than not.”  “I grew up around men who swore, drank and farted…”  “Who are you Dr. Phil?” I made up one of those, guess which one.

I like the double meaning of the title.  It could be a baseball expression… or a representation of an old coot losing his vision.  I actually think there will be about 4 other meanings by the end of the movie.  Maybe Clint will crash his Gran Torino on a windy road.  The all is lost moment!

Clint Eastwood is 82 years old!  Why is he still making movies?  This doesn’t look good at all. It looks like a movie that grabs one Golden Globe nomination (for Amy Adams naturally, she’s sooooo good!) and nothing more.

There are some other recognizable faces no one cares about anymore in this movie.  Clint works with John Goodman, Matthew Lillard and T-1000… and one of those scouts is in a lot of shit.  I heard a rumor John Rocker makes a cameo to have a racist-off with Clint.  That might be a bonus feature on the DVD though.

SIDDDDDEEE-TRACCKKKK! – I once jokingly (I swear) wrote John Rocker a letter telling him how much I agreed with his beliefs.  He was campaigning for illegal immigrants to learn the English language at the time.  Two weeks after I sent the letter, I received this in the mail.

“Speak English! John Rocker”

That dude is one hilarious wackjob.

Ok, back to this shitty movie… The prized prospect is such a fat bastard.  I have trouble with the curve of his bulbous man tits.

This isn’t based on a true story, why not cast a guy who actually looks like a ball player?  They did the same thing in “Moneyball” with Jeremy Brown… who was a stocky, terrible Major Leaguer, but the guy who played him weighed about 300 pounds.  Oh and nice job not even mentioning the existence of Tim Hudson, Miguel Tejada, Barry Zito, Mark Mulder… another decent at best baseball movie.

I gotta say Baseball movies in general kinda blow.  It’s definitely one of the weaker movie genres.  The kiddie baseball movies smoke the competition.  Act like you wouldn’t watch “The Sandlot” 100 times before you watched “Field of Dreams” again.  What’s with all the damn emotion in baseball movies?  Has there been a good baseball comedy in the past 20 years?  We’re long overdue for one.  This one could be an unintentional comedy…

Speaking of, Eastwood hasn’t acted in a movie since that piece of shit “Gran Torino.”  That flick had some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen.  The racist jokes were the only saving grace.  Check out the Asian kid in this scene…

Stop making movies Clint, this one is gonna be a dud.  Did you even read this script?

I think Eastwood might already be blind… something something invisible Obama chair joke.  C’mon, do you really think I watched the Republican National Convention?  I don’t even know what a Republican is.  It’s an old, well-to-do white man, right?  I just saw a shitload of people on twitter making the same joke over and over about it… Fuck twitter, I hate that site too… (Follow me on twitter @commercialconz or @vc_wg).

Seriously though, the only thing I know less about than life itself is politics.  The last time I voted was for the blue M&M.  I decided to go out on top… unlike Clint Eastwood who will probably kick the bucket with this being his last film.  RIP Clint.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 76%  Critics love that firecrotch Amy Adams.

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One thought on “Trailer Thursday – Trouble with the Curve

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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