Honda Pilot – “Road Trip”

You’ve all seen this one.  It sucks, so I’ve decided to provide my own backstory…

We open on a 2012 Honda Pilot driving in a post apocalyptic desert world where no other people or cars exist.

INT. HONDA PILOT – A FAMILY of 7 and a random token BLACK KID sit in silence.

I mean come on, who are they kidding by slipping him in?  It’s so forced.  He doesn’t even seem age appropriate to be friends with anyone in the car.  I’m not saying it’s that hard to believe, it’s just so predictable.  Companies really believe that by throwing him in the back seat they’re appealing to African Americans.  I don’t know, maybe I’m not wrong about the apocalypse.  They could have found the poor kid wandering alone, and took him in.  In that case, they are wonderful people and I commend them for providing him with a soda.

“This shit ain’t even grape… I miss my real family.”

Also, the kid kinda looks like the generic drawing of an alien… but that’s irrelevant. Oh and he thinks they’re singing this…

(I think I might be officially racist now)

They all start doing some half assed acapella version of Crazy Train by America’s sweetheart, Ozzy Osbourne.  The mouth instruments sound like crap and the girls are horrible singers.  Horrible.  This should technically be a “Terrible Music Tuesday” submission, but you don’t care because you aren’t reading this.

The commercial also has another “This Friggin Guy…” in it as well…

You’ll remember him as the manager in those terrible Burger King ads with David Beckham, Steven Tyler and Salma Hayek. I like to believe he’s playing the same character. Dude must have a rough life trying to raise 5 kids who look nothing like him on a Burger King Manager’s salary.  I know “big things” were happening at Burger King, but his obviously adulterous wife has to be the bread winner.

Here’s another aspect of commercials, and casting in general, I always wonder about.  I wonder what his reaction was when they introduced the actress who’d be playing his wife.  Do you think he looked her up and thought, “Jeez, come on!  I can do better than this!”  and vice versa?  I think so, but I tend to judge books by covers… and race… and sex… and orientation… and religion… and what sports teams you like… and

Back to the awful Ozzy rendition… Why does this little broad know all the words to Crazy Train?

“I also loooovvvvvve Danzig.”

What is wrong with these parents that they are letting their 8 year old daughter listen to Ozzy?  I guess with the downfall of human civilization, they just kinda adopted a “fuck it” attitude (and a new kid… for now, they may need to barter down the line… hey it’s nothing against him, he’s a good kid, but this is the apocalypse and family comes first.)

I’m really starting to believe that is the situation here.  The car radio doesn’t work because no one is alive to broadcast.  “S’been 2 months since the last signal was lost.”  They’re driving with the windows open to conserve fuel.  Back in the good ol’ days they’d pump the AC on full blast while driving through the desert, but not now… not since “The day everything went dark.” (Ha! I didn’t even follow that up with a racist joke, and I easily could have.) They have to get as far away as they can on this tank of gas.

It all makes sense. I mean, look at the dad; he hasn’t shaved in a while.  No one seems to be talking to each other, because they’re all still too disturbed by the “things they’ve seen.”  The emo brother pretends he has music playing in his earbuds, but that’s just his coping mechanism. There’s a strong chance he’s secretly concealing a bite mark… though he never talked to his parents before the great fall anyway. They never understood him.

“Life is an endless cycle of sadness…”

The GPS doesn’t work, that’s just a sticker from the dealership they never peeled off.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if they stole this SUV from an abandoned lot in their panicked haste.  Everything’s fair game when there’s no longer a law of the land.

You see in this world, singing is all you can do to keep your sanity.  Music is the great healer.  Times are at their worst, but Ozzy’s Crazy Train is that calming presence that reminds them all of Timmy’s 8th birthday party at the roller skating rink.  You know the one, when Jacob barfed from eating a whole pizza pie himself.  What they wouldn’t give for one more bite of pizza… just one more greasy bite.

Whether it be zombies, or nuclear fallout (I bet it was those damn North Koreans), one thing will always keep a family together, and that’s the gift of song.  Bravo Honda, you managed to really put a new spin on the old adage “A family that stays together… sings together?”  I don’t remember it exactly, but Honda clearly did when they made this commercial.

You see the singing doesn’t have to be good in situations of survival, just like water, food and rations, you take what you can get.  Be strong family, and just hope against hope that Dad’s decision to load the DVR with episodes of “Doomsday Preppers,” provided him with the instincts needed to tough out the long journey ahead.  Follow the horizon; I hear there’s a small community of survivors just outside Santa Fe.  There’s no way of confirming, but that little bit of hope if all that’s left besides song… I pray you make it there in time.  May you’re daughters pop out strong interracial babies to keep the human bloodline alive.  God speed.


1 thought on “Honda Pilot – “Road Trip”

  1. Pingback: Classic Shit – The King | Conz Hates Commercials

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