Trailer Thursday – The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

“Honey, it’s time to watch the Oogieloves!”

“Nooooooooooooo…”

What… the fuck?

What are these things?  Oogieloves?  That’s what they’re called?

They have a vacuum friend?  I barely saw him in the trailer.  Blah blah joke about this movie “sucking” blah blah.

Here’s what the trailer tells us about these nightmares…

“Goobie is Scientastic.”  So he’s the Simon of the group?  Why do so many stupid kid shows like this always have to have the brainy character with glasses?  And what the hell is “Scientastic?”  They couldn’t just say “Scientific?”  And his name is “Goobie?” That sounds like a word to describe the viscosity of a semen sample.

“Zoozie is Sparkeliciousness.”  Jesus Christ.  “Sparkeliciousness?”  What’s with the extra “ness” at the end?   That usage of that fake word doesn’t even make sense.

“Toofie is Adventurific.”  Toofie is purple, which to me means he’s the African American character of the group… it would make sense because his name is a word black dudes use to describe bad blow jobs.

Why didn’t the vacuum get a made up word?  I bet he’s “Cleaneydaciouslyberg.”

These things are horrific looking.  How can toddlers be afraid of the faucet but watch shit like this?  It’s not just these things, that “Yo Gabba Gabba” show has some scary looking characters too.  They have a killer robot, a giant orange studded dildo with arms and legs, and scariest of all… a black guy (I know, I know, but black jokes are just so easy.)  That dude looks like Andre 300… not a typo.

Yowsky wowsky, peesky weesky.

How did these things come to be?  My theory is someone in the “Barney” wardrobe department took bath salts, found some leftover fabric lying around and went to town.

Speaking of, the yellow dinosaur absolutely murders this video.  His move at :46 is unfuckwitable…

Ain’t no Oogielove cutting a rug like that.  That’s for goddamn sure.

I can’t get over how awful looking these things are. It’s legitimately bothering me. Not only do they look like shit, the voice acting sounds terrible too. And what’s with the “star-studded” cast?  What are these people doing?

Toni Braxton?  I guess this one makes sense; she hasn’t had a hit in ages.  She should just have one of those faggy DJ’s remix “Unbreak My Heart.”  Every song with an obnoxious bass line becomes a hit these days anyway, and these tard kids probably don’t even remember that song.

Christopher Lloyd?  No.  Come on.  Christopher Lloyd?!  The guy played one of the most iconic movie characters of all time.  He should never have to work again.  How does a guy with his pedigree just stop getting work?  Did he do a Michael Richards standup routine I’m not aware of?  Michael J. Fox saw this trailer and said, “Gun to my head, if I had to choose between the Doc’s future or mine… I’d stick with the Parkinsons.” (“Ohhhh a Michael J. Fox joke, how edgy.”)

“Great Scott?”

Ya know what; I’ll take a bastardized reboot of “Back to the Future,” if it means Christopher Lloyd getting real work.  You can have the Doc hanging out with Marty and Jennifer’s kids… for some creepy reason, no one seemed to have a problem with it in the originals.

Chazz Palminteri?  This guy doesn’t have any money?  He’s been in some great movies.  You mean to tell me he couldn’t land a role on that horrible looking new “Mafia Doctor” show or whatever?  Friggin Steve Schirripa, the 13th billed actor on “Sopranos,” is sitting courtside in Madison Square Garden every night and Chazz Palminteri is playing a soda jerk in the Oogielove movie.  Sonny was right; the working man is a sucker.

Put HIM in the fuckin bathroom!

Cary Elwes?  Dude, you were in “The Princess Bride.”  You played the lead in the most underrated comedy of the past 20 years, “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.”  You got to date my dream woman, Elaine Benes, on Seinfeld! What are you doing?!  You probably caked on that “Saw” series, why are you reprising Laurence Fishburne’s ‘Cowboy Curtis’ role in an Oogielove movie?

Jaime Pressly, you were on “My Name is Earl” for like 7 years.  That shit is in syndication, you can’t be that hard pressed for money… and if you are, just go do Playboy again, you still look awesome.

I’d like to go on this big balloon adventure.

This movie comes from the “marketing visionary” behind “Teletubbies,” “Thomas the Tank Engine,” and “Eloise.”  Shoulda quit while you were ahead, bro.

There’s a talking fish that kisses my girl Jaime, and then utters the line “I can use a fish-to bismol right now.”  Talk about a trailer line! Kids are gonna love that! Gas medicine humor is all the rage with that demographic. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!

They make it seem like this movie is interactive, but it’s coming out in theatres (on Oogest 29th, so go see it now before it’s too late!) and I don’t even think that technology is still in use.

The movie is subtitled “The Big Balloon Adventure,” yet at no point in the trailer do we see a big balloon.  At one point it looks like they are about to board a giant sombrero though… what?  There’s a small helium balloon shown twice… is that the big balloon?  I guess the adventure is “big” not necessarily the balloon.  They do look like they go to the Holland countryside, which is the world’s most adventurific destination.

I mean, I understand this is a kid movie, but these characters are ridiculous looking.  Are kids really gonna be asking Santa for an Oogielove this Christmas.  Or that Hanukkah dude this Chanukah?  (Get your daughter the vacuum… just keep them away from Toofie.)

I was very critical of the parents who brought their infant to the tragic “Dark Knight Rises” screening, but if I had kids, I think I’d rather bring them to go see “Showgirls” than this shit.  At least they won’t have night terrors about Jessie Spano’s tits.

I didn’t check Rotten Tomatoes.  I’m not even sure they review movies like this, but my guess is 24% because some critics will write it off as a “silly” kids movie.

I’m out, one love!

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2 thoughts on “Trailer Thursday – The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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