Trailer Thursday – Lawless

Well “Premium Rush” flopped as expected.  This week’s trailer is for “Lawless.”  I know what you’re thinking, “Oh shit the Milf that played ‘Xena’ got her own biopic?!”

… What’s that?  That wasn’t what you were thinking? You can admit it, I completely understand the confusion.  If this movie kept its original title, “The Wettest Country in the World,” we wouldn’t even be having this fake conversation.

“I’ll show you the “The Wettest Count…ry in the World.”

“Damn Conz, you nasty.”

This movie actually looks pretty decent despite its terrible release date.  It could very well be a snoozefest, but I’m a huge “Boardwalk Empire” fan, so I’m kinda into this era at the moment.  I was sad to see Jimmy Darmody go.  He was probably my favorite bootlegger since Kramer’s friend, Brody.

“That’s quite a feedbag you’re working on over there.”

“Deathblow” > this movie.  (I watched “Seinfeld,” please like me!)

“Lawless” stars Tom Hardy… because it’s a movie, and Tom Hardy is in every movie… Shia LaBeouf, some fair maiden named Jessica Chastain, Gary Oldman… because it’s a movie, and Gary Oldman is in every movie… and Guy Pearce.  Solid cast, imo.

Hardy, The Beef and their other brother are illegally producing corn whiskey during the Prohibition.  They get in bed with some corrupt bad dudes (probably cops, they’re always cops) and the Chastain broad, and then Guy Pearce comes to town to stop them.  He’s probably corrupt too… Oh and his haircut is fuckin great.

Alfalfa, older, and minus the hair boner.

Gary Oldman kills the other brother (who isn’t a headlining actor) with an era appropriate firearm, gets into his era appropriate vehicle, pisses Shia off, and then there’s an all out war between them.  That’s the movie I guess.

There’s some chick Mia Wasagonnalookuphername but I didn’t care enough… I think she played Alice in that abortion by Tim Burton… anyway, she plays The Beef’s love interest.  She’s pretty average looking, so I don’t care about her character.

Like I said, should be decent.  Hardy, Oldman and Pearce are good in everything.  The Beef gets a bad rap due to the “Transformers” movies, but I actually think he’s a good actor.  He can scream with the best of them, and this movie looks (OPTIMUS!!!!!!) prime for some good screaming scenes.

I would have liked to see more in this trailer, but…

Wait a minute!  Ohhhhhh shit.  We got ourselves a red band! NSFW!!!!

Releasing R rated clips on the internet was the smartest thing the movie industry ever did.  If you heard the term “red band trailer” 5 years ago you probably would have thought it was in reference to an Indian rock group’s tour bus (Racist!)  You’d be wrong though… that’s wrong.  Red bands sell movies.

In this trailer, someone gets tarred and feathered.  I haven’t seen anything close to that in a movie since “Home Alone.”

“Ratchafrakafrigga… I’m gonna kill that kid!”

SIDDDDDEEE-TRACKKKKK – When Albert Pujols played for the Cardinals he started the “Albert Pujols Family Foundation,” that helped mentally challenged children… that’s great, I got nothing but respect for the man… but he had the perfect name right in front of him and completely ignored it… “Tard and Feathered.”  No?  Swing and a miss? (<– Baseball reference!)

Nice southern accented voiceover work from The Beef on this one.   They force a guy to drink gasoline, that’s pretty cool.  Just saw a bit of titty.  This movie is based on a true story.  I think it’s called “Boardwalk Empire” … or wait, wait… “Bored-walk Empire.”  There wasn’t much else different in this trailer to sway me into thinking it’s going to be anything more than decent, but I did enjoy the blue grass track.

I’m kinda surprised this is being dumped in September, it seems more like an early December movie.  I expect it to do pretty well.  Hardy is big right now, and The Beef has a following, plus people might go see it as a fluffer for the new season of “Boardwalk” next month.

Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score (because I was so close the last time) – 62%


1 thought on “Trailer Thursday – Lawless

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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