I didn’t want the summer to end before tackling these stupid ass commercials.
When someone says “Let’s have a barbecue today,” what do you think of? Backyard, Burgers, Brats, Beans, Beers, Big Booty Bitches…
The one “B” I don’t think about is “Burger King.”
This Dad (I hope) pitches his idea to have a BBQ to his two little daughters (again, I hope) who are already in the van. I guess they were just gonna decide their dinner destination on the ride.
The Girls say “Barbecue? More like BarbecEWWWWWW!” Nah, they actually say “Awesommmme,” … way too soon mind you, it doesn’t even seem like a real response… then they tickle fight (inappropriate comment deleted.) Maybe I was just a kid who asked too many questions, but if my dad mentioned BBQ, I feel like I’d come back with, “then why the heck am I in the car? Go fire up the grill.” They must think they’re going to the butcher to pick up the meat or something. Maybe the grill is out of gas. Who knows, women are pretty stupid. (Just kidding women, you can do anything men can do… except a ton of things.)
Then you have your standard “League of Nations” work clique heading to lunch. The brown haired white guy, blonde chick, and black guy go to find their Indian chick friend and hold up a sign as to not interrupt her phone call… seems a bit unnecessary, but that’s fine, how often do you have a barbecue in the middle of the day?
Then we have a pack of “young” cool people at a beach bonfire. The girl with the guitar (there’s always one) utters the now famous words, “Let’s have a BBQ today,” even though it’s night (or the crack of dawn. Either way, the time frame doesn’t work.) Then her lesbian girlfriend and Asian guy buddy say, “Cool let’s just slap a grill on top of this here bonfire and get cooking.” You ignorant assholes.
Burger King is pimping some new burgers this summer. The Carolina BBQ Whopper, which is probably a regular Whopper with some weak sauce on it, (that sweet shitty BBQ sauce) and a Texas Whopper that has onions or something.
A few entries ago I ripped into to Texas pretty good… I’m not backtracking, I just wanted to remind everyone that Texas blows. (Admission – I’ve never been to Texas.)
They also have sweet potato fries and frozen lemonades. I’d rather get AIDS from a lemon party than eat sweet potato fries from Burger King. (Note – NOOOO, I absolutely wouldn’t, and please don’t google that. Not only will you want to leave the internet forever, you’ll judge me for knowing what that is.)
They show the bonfire “kids” at a Burger King with the sun glaring behind them… again, time frame doesn’t work.
Not once do they show someone saying “I thought we were having a barbecue? Why the fuck are we at a Burger King? Who the fuck says they’re gonna have a barbecue, and then goes to a fast food place?!”
Who even eats inside fast food places anymore? The move is to drive thru, eat in your parked car, stare at people miserably as they walk out, and share a knowing “We’re disgusting slobs” look.
Walk up to 10 people, and ask them bluntly, “Marry, Fuck, Kill – Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King?” Do you think one person fucks or marries Burger King? I say no. Unless we’re talking just breakfast… if we’re talking breakfast, I’d fuck the shit out of Burger King, and then marry it for good measure. Yeah, I know those aren’t the rules. Do something about it. BK has da bomb breakfasts, yo.
I will say this; I’d rather watch these commercials than the previous campaign where they tried to push David Beckham on America. Enough of that shit, stop it, no one gives a crap about David Beckham. “Futbol” is never going to compete with the big pro sports in America, accept it. “But, it’s the most popular sport in the world!” The most popular beverage in the world is unfiltered, diseased river water, doesn’t mean we have to drink it. This is America dammit, and today is barbecue day!
There is one thing about these commercials that I really like though… the song.
Is “Walk of Life” by Dire Straits the happiest song ever made? Holy shit. Honestly, if I were a doctor, I’d prescribe my depressed patients with this song. “Your wife left you? Lost your job? Ready to end it all? Throw on ‘Walk of Life’ and suck it up, Mary.”
Just listen to this shit…
Pure unbridled happiness. I made this song my alarm so I can wake up happy and refreshed and… I’m still a miserable bastard, but it probably helped a bit.
Next time you’re feeling down, opt to listen to this song instead of your usual coping mechanism… going to Burger King and shoving a bacon double down your fat gullet. Have a good one.