Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet

If this jingle doesn’t sum up America perfectly, I don’t know what does — The long time King sport that has slowly lost its luster over the past few decades, fatty foods, and shitty automobiles.  Also, Prince Fielder is a perfect poster child – super fat dude who hasn’t let his super fat body get in the way of his super fat bank account. Prince is the fattest royal since Henry the VIII… or Bob Hamelin.  (Shout out to Bob Hamelin, we remember you Big Dog.)

“Dude, I’m a vegetarian.”

It took 30 takes for Prince to get the song right, because he just kept signing “hot dogs, apple pie” over and over again… because he’s portly, you get it?  It’s funnier the 4th time you point it out… but he only eats veggies… slathered in cheese and gravy… and meat…. because he’s fat, dot dot dot.

Here’s his teammate singing the same song…

I heard Verlander was singing this during his two no hitters. I heard he was whistling it when he was drafted 1 spot ahead of the immortal Philip Humber in 2004 by my Mets (“Humber has a perfect game, and got you Santana with him, mehhhhh.”)  I also heard he’s banging Kate Upton (“ZOMG bro, did you see her do the Dougie?!”)

SIDDDDDEEE-TRACKKKKK – The internet has ruined attractive clothed women.  I can’t get excited about a chick like Kate Upton when googling her nets results such as “Kate Upton look-a-like lezzes out with Mila Kunis look-a-like, NSFW.”

… Right, is that top coming off, or…

As for the commercials, I’m calling bullshit on Prince and Verlander knowing this jingle.  They’re only slightly older than I am, and I’ve never heard it before.  Let’s be real, if I don’t know something that’s been on TV, there’s a strong chance two guys who have dedicated themselves to a sport and done something productive with their lives wouldn’t either.

Verlander and Fielder are pushing 30 and I don’t buy the fact they know this jingle… explain how this little broad knows it…

“Where’s the nearest river?”

What an adorable tone-deaf child. Someone stick a hotdog in her mouth… is that inappropriate?  It felt inappropriate. Not as inappropriate as the caption in the above photo though. That video has 98 likes, and 5 dislikes?  … 6 dislikes.  I’m bad.

“Who’s bad?”

Me dude, I am.  I hit the thumbs down button on that cute little girl.  Something something thumbs up some little boy overused molestation joke.

These ads don’t make me want a Chevy.  They make me want a hot dog.  Ballpark is probably selling the shit out of their plump wieners thanks to this jingle.  Something something plump wiener Michael Jackson children touch.

“Jeez, can a former brotha rest in peace?”

I am glad that baseball players are getting commercial shine though.   I mean, I don’t need to see 7 Jeter commercials during Mets games… SNY… get new advertisers… but I am glad to see some baseball players getting endorsements again. Have you seen Joe Mauer’s hair?!  Not one flake in that shit.

Unfortunately the only recent commercial I can recall starring a Met was this one…

… oh, and this…

Goddammit David, why?  I still love ya buddy, and I’m already dreading the day you leave town… but goddammit David.  The fuck bro?

Here’s the original Chevy ad apparently…

1975 was a much more appropriate time for this commercial.  Those poor schmucks probably didn’t even know that hot dogs were America’s #4 killer, and I guaran-damn-tee those pie apples weren’t organic.  Ewwwww, guh-rooooss!  Also, baseball was king of the sports world… and naturally, the Mets missed the playoffs that season.  Some things never change (They lost to Oakland 2 years earlier in the most forgotten World Series of all time.)

I’m not a car guy… I actually don’t know shit about cars. One thing I do know is that Corvettes are the most overrated cars in America.  Point out a Corvette to me, and I’ll point out the douchenozzle (are we still using this one?) behind the wheel.  I like Audis… Audis are cool right?  No?  Aight.  Fuck it then, I’m out. Holla.

“Holla!”

Goddammit David…

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