“Who fuckin cares,” says you.
Instead of doing a retrospective on how terrible Apple commercials (and mass consumers) are, I’ve decided to try and decipher who will be the star of the next Siri ad. They ran that “I’m a Mac” bullshit into the ground, I think it’s pretty safe to assume there will be more Siri ads.
Here’s a recap of who we’ve seen so far:
“Is that rain?” Look out of your fuckin window, you dope! As I said in my last entry you didn’t read, I hate this girl. (“You hate evvvvverything.”) I pretty much hate anyone who is described as “quirky,” that’s not a good thing. I lost interest in this chick once Katy Perry came out and looked exactly like her with a bigger rack. I hate her schtick so much, I can’t even acknowledge the fact she’s cute anymore. She’s dreadful. Her movies are dreadful. Her music is… what’s worse than “dreadful?” Oh, and her TV show looks dreadful. “Nah man, Schmidt is hi-larious.” Don’t care, not worth watching Zooey.
Sam Jackson is a cool dude, I’m kinda mad he agreed to do this… but Lord knows he’s never been one to turn down a check. Hey asshole, “hotspacho” is just soup… the fuck is wrong with soup? Why not just order from the same trendy Vegan restaurant Zooey got her tomato soup from and save yourself and Siri the hassle? People seem to love Sam, but ultimately it seems like they only love his role in “Pulp Fiction.” Far be it from me to rip on that character, but can we at least stop pretending like this guy hasn’t been in more terrible shit than good? Speaking of Jules, how did they have a commercial built around Sam asking questions and not have him ask Siri what Marcellus Wallace looks like? Quick, name Sam Jackson’s 2nd best movie role… you took too long. And for the love of God, stop laughing every time he says “Motherfucker,” that shit is stale.
This is the worst one. He doesn’t even ask questions, he just blurts out words. I was hoping Siri’s response to “Evening” was going to be, “You have dinner at Sam Jackson’s house,” but unfortunately Malkovich has no plans. Naturally he has to order “linguica” because “sausage” isn’t a sophisticated enough word or fancy enough meal. And then we get to the best part… the joke. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A JOKE? Look how hard he’s laughing. He’s laughing so hard, he laughed in anticipation. Seriously, she didn’t even get to the second word and he was already pissing his pants. Who edited this commercial? Is there a lag in the new version of Final Cut Pro or something? Also “Was it something I said?” is a rhetorical question, it didn’t require a response.
Come on Marty, you’re too good for this shit. You don’t have to try and skew to a younger demographic, everyone likes your movies. How does he not know what his schedule is for the day? He’s already in a cab on the way to his plans for the day. Why does he have GPS surveillance on Rick? The driver doesn’t know the traffic heading downtown is terrible? Maybe he can get the next Siri ad.
“Uh-low, Siri. How is traffic in the down town?”
“Hello Mohammad Al Jyhameshlifark Srtoufumecktajoi-ERROR…”
I don’t have an iPhone, but I can’t imagine anyone still using Siri. That technology seems like it was fun for about a day. Are you really walking around talking to an inanimate (is Siti technically “animate?) object everywhere you go? “It’s better than talking to yourself, Conz.” “Shut up…”
I’m gonna try to use some deductive “skills” to narrow down my predictions for the next intolerable Siri ad.
So far we’ve had:
- a fairly well known hipster (Admission – at this point, I don’t even know what a hipster is. Am I a hipster since I “hate” everything?) female TV/Movie star.
- a pretty big male movie star
- a critically acclaimed (especially for his tour de force as “Cyrus the Virus” in “Con-Air”) male actor
- one of the greatest movie directors of all time.
Am I forgetting anyone? I might be.
Common sense would say the next ad will feature a female. They’ve gone with a movie theme so far, but I could easily see them using a musician. There’s a very solid chance the woman chosen will be an annoying pain in the ass. Here’s the Vegas (my) odds:
- 1000/1 – That Tranny Wachowski “Brother” – could make for a cool albeit extremely confusing “Matrix” themed spot.
- 100/1 – Lady Gaga – She is probably too big at the moment to consider doing it, and I doubt Apple wants that skank pushing their product. Although they do say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and this broad looks like she’s never been to a doctor.
- 75/1 – Tina Fey – I’ve got nothing but love for Tina Fey.
- 50/1 – Sigourney Weaver – I wanted to go for the old, still somewhat relevant actress demo, and she was the first name that popped in my head.
- 40/1 – Suri – This tech seems right up a Scientologist’s alley… plus it can make for some nice throwback Vaudevillian humor. “Siri, why is daddy kissing that man?” “I’m sorry Suri, Siri programmed to turn a blind eye… hail Lord Xenon.” (No self-respecting man should know who Suri is.)
- 30/1 – Ryan Seacrest – He’s basically a chick, and I can see his cornball ass doing one of these.
- 25/1 – Random Female Athlete – a US Soccer chick, or a Gymnast… what else do women play?
- 20/1 – Oprah – She doesn’t really do stuff like this, and I don’t think she’s been in a movie since “The Color Purple (which I’m 50% sure was about the inside of a black woman’s vagina… racist!) but she isn’t doing much besides spending her billions these days, right?
- 10/1 – Anne Hathaway – she’s soooo hot right now! I don’t mind her, but she can definitely play up the corn levels needed for this type of commercial.
- 5/1 – Taylor Swift – She’ll do it, then write a scathing country ditty about her and Siri’s breakup.
SIDDDDEEE-TRRRAAACCKKK – I don’t want to turn this bitchfest of a blog into a gossip rag, but stop putting this chick on the cover of the Daily News please. I read it every morning while I eat my cookies for breakfast like a 7 year old, and for the past week the main cover has had a pic of her and her new boyfriend… some Kennedy. At least wait until the kid’s tragic, untimely death we all know is coming to report on him. (too soon?) (hate people that say “too soon?”)
I’m on the net all day, and I see this argument a lot during dicussions of women… because as we all know, dudes who have blogs on the internet are just killing snatch on the daily… “Meh, that famous chick looks like any other girl. I see girls every day who look just like her.” Well as a blogger/snatch killer/hypothetical liar, I have to say that Taylor Swift is the ultimate example of this. This chick is boring and overrated. Carry on…
- 1/1 – Ellen – I don’t even care about this anymore. This is my choice. Ellen is gonna be in the next Siri ad, and it’s gonna be terrible… unless Siri accidentally brings up some sexy candids of her wife, Lindsay Bluth (real name, irrelevant.)
Book that shit. Book it now.