Trailer Thursday – Premium Rush

“It’s ‘Enemy of the State’ only whiter, and with mountain bikes!” – Roger Ebert’s computer.

Joseph Gordon Levitt plays “Wilee.”  Of course he plays “Wilee,” why would the main character in a movie like this have a human name?  Have you ever met a “Wilee” in your life?  The only Wilee’s I can think of are the Coyote and the bad guy from Megaman.

Wilee, with 2 E’s, is a bike messenger in NYC.  He gets an envelope and has to deliver it somewhere by sometime, or someone will be somewhat pissed at him and his Araby Indiany manager… who I think may have been Peter Parker’s boss at the pizza place… but I’m not looking it up.  Either way, that dude is a boss in New York.  Wilee does some cool mountain bike tricks through traffic with no brakes, (he side-rides the bike under a truck… must be wearing Wheelies) and gets stopped by Michael Shannon, playing his usual creepy self.  He wants the envelope, because it has his lucky condom inside of it apparently.

Wilee goes on a wild goose chase around all the famous NY landmarks, gets hit by 5 cars, jumps over fences, and probably manages to take down some evil foreign condom conglomerate all while getting the package to its proper destination on time… by that I mean he undoubtedly goes balls deep in that Spanish chick after he’s home safe.

I like the girls in this movie.  There’s Stu’s wife from crap ass Hangover 2  using a weird accent that I can’t decipher (look at me acting like I don’t know her name is Jamie Chung, and like I didn’t watch every single episode of Real World San Diego when she stopped being polite and started getting real.)  All I know is that accent doesn’t match her face.  Without seeing the movie, I guarantee it’s unnecessary to the character she plays.  I also like the Spanish chick, Dania Ramirez, who probably isn’t Spanish, but something close, and therefore not worth looking up.

Ay, Mami!

… but she’s in the Salma Hayek class (Salma Hayek 10 years ago.) Penelope Cruz and Sofia Vergara amongst many others are also in this class.  What class you ask?  Why, the “Shut the fuck up” class of course.  Maybe it’s just the racist in me (legit don’t know if this is racist) but I don’t find any of their accents sexy.  I know they’re all from different Latin countries, but their accents suck.  Although to be fair, Dania’s isn’t nearly as bad as Sofia Vergara’s.  She sounds like some audio guy mixed Lucy and Desi’s voices together (Your parents will like that one.)  Also, every episode of “Modern Family” is the same.

“Ay, Yay, why ease our show so damn repetitive?”

Madddd titties up in this blog…

Dania Ramirez once banged AJ Soprano… AJ Fuckin Soprano. Well, she probably didn’t in real life, but she was his girl on the last season of the show.  AJ bagged that.  Remember when that bitch tried to kill himself in the pool?  I like to think that when the “The Sopranos” faded to black, Tony just smacked AJ for picking “Don’t Stop Believing” on the jukebox.  Learn how to drive, Meadow!

Not pictured – AJ getting bitchslapped.

As far as this movie goes, it looks like the type of crap you’ll watch on a Tuesday night on Showtime 7 at 1:30 a.m. next February because you drank too much soda with your dinner that night and can’t sleep.

JGL must have had this in the tank before he started getting big roles.  The production on this movie was probably pushed into “Premium Rush” so he couldn’t back out.  JGL is a great actor.  He’s been in some pretty damn good movies over the past 5 years, “Brick,” “The Lookout,” “Inception,” “50-50,” “The Dark Knight Rises.”

“Ummm Conz, you forgot ‘500 Days of Summer’!”

Fuck that movie, and fuck Zooey Deschanel (I would obviously.) I don’t like her or anything she stands for.

I feel like this is the type of movie that you expect nothing from and end up liking, but it looks like it could be JGL’s worst movie in a while.  Maybe… maybe it will land somewhere ahead of “Angels in the Outfield.”

“It could happen!”

I don’t know, go see it if you have nothing else to do.  What else is out?  “Paranorman?”  It will probably be worth it just for Michael Shannon’s crazy wandering eyes.

“Michael, over here!” “No, over here!”

Here’s my predicted Rotten Tomatoes score, because that is something other people do.  16%  Titties.

EDIT – I just checked… as of today, the Rotten Tomatoes score is 86%.  Holy shit.  I guess JGL really has some critical appeal despite this movie looking like it came out in 1994.

I don’t know why, but this classic flick keeps popping in my head every time I think about “Premium Rush,”
Probably because it involved “extreme” athletes (Roller Bladers pfff hahaha) racing in the streets and Seth Green played “Wiley.”


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