Take a Breather – Subway

I don’t even remember Subway ads B.J.F. (Before Jared Fogle) but I wish that fat bastard never shed an ounce.

Did you guys hear Subway serves avocado now? HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!  AVOCADOS?! AT A SANDWICH SHOP?! What a novel idea! Has there ever been a more ridiculous ad campaign?  How did they go this long without avocados?   They have a friggen salad bar of “fixins” to choose from, but they never had avocados?  Pretty sure you can get gummy bears on a sandwich if you’d like.  Someone got a massive raise in the corporate office for finding a cost worthy avocado dealer… and then someone got an even bigger raise for pitching an ad campaign built around said avocados, kid voices and Michael Strahan’s lisp.  Think about that for a minute… I’ll wait.

“SSSSSSubway’sssss got avocadossssss!”

I ain’t got nothin but love for you Mike, you know it.  Giantssss ’07 ssssssson!

Subway has been gracing our TVs with absolutely awful commercials for the past decade, ever since Jared’s lazy ass decided he’d rather buy a sandwich every day than make one.  Now he’s worth $15 mil, and his size 68 Wranglers are hanging up in the Smithsonian by day, and chasing Ben Stiller by night.

Still better than “Tower Heist.”

This dude must roll in pussy dong. (Slander!)  Sorry Jared, but I’m of the opinion that everytime a dude loses a ton of weight he becomes weirdly effeminate.  Must be something with the testosterone or… I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about (Should be the name of my blog.)  But I digress…

Not only did Jared get gastric bypass and tell everyone he ate at Subway lose hundreds of pounds, he inspired the nation to lose weight.  Remember this jackass?

Notice how Clay Henry isn’t still getting commercials? Why isn’t he still relevant? Why isn’t he hobnobbing with bigwigs? I bet you this dude plumped the fuck up with all his sweet Subway scharole. (Note – that’s either Italian for money, or one-a-dem weird hard salamis that you get at a real deli.)

This bigwig done got hobnobbed.

Over the years Subway has had a pretty solid cast of athletes pitching their cardboard and shredded lettuce “sandwiches.”  A look at their roster shows the aforementioned Strahan, Justin Tuck, Ryan Howard, RG3 (too soon), Nastia “Nasty” Liukin (#2 Gymnast in my heart after McKayla… haha, j/k Feds.  I don’t follow that sultry little Grinch faced minx on twitter and instagram or anything. *shifty eyes*), CC Sabathia, Layla Ali, Happy Gilmore, Michael Phelps, Blake Griffin, Ohno…

Not Apollo, although he does Subway ads… “Ohno” as in “Oh no, is that Jay Fuckin Glazer?”  How… the fuck… did Jay Glazer get an endorsement deal?  Never in the history of television has there been a more randomly endorsed person.  How the hell did that meeting go?

“Who should we get to co-star in baseball star Ryan Howard’s new meatball marinara ad?”

“How about the 7th wheel on Fox’s Sunday NFL pre-game show, Jay Glazer?”

“Stevens, you magnificent bastard!  That makes perfect sense!  Enjoy your new office Mr. Vice President of Advertising!”

“Blahbadeeblah, Brett Favre!”

Jon Lovitz had a brief stint as Subway pitchman too.  I think his catch phrase was “Eat Fresh,” because as we all know, the FDA and health inspectors allow other sandwich shops to serve rancid deli meats.  They really dropped the ball by not letting him utter the words he made famous while voicing Jay Sherman on “The Critic.”

Fuckin Fogle… Look at what you started.  They advertise every 2 minutes, yet I can’t even think of another sandwich chain.  Quiznos had a spark when it started but now it’s just garbage (Big ups to Hov!  I know you readin this, homie.)  Once every other sandwich shop cracked the impossible code and realized they too could toast their bread, Quizno’s business kinda dwindled.  Is Blimpie a big chain?  WaWa?  I’m sure you people who don’t live on the east coast have your own popular sandwich chains, but I can’t stress enough how little a shit I give.

Quick bar – Hey Subway, literally no one on the planet gives a rat’s ass that you bake your bread on the premises.  That isn’t a selling point.

Subway, you won, take a breather.  You’re the Starbucks of sandwiches.  Everyone knows about Starbucks, and I barely ever see them advertising.  They just sit and laugh at Dunkin Donuts promotion of a new iced coffee flavor additive every week like it’s an avocado or something. “Mocha and hazelnut?!”  America runs on Dunkin… pff, Starbucks is all like “America gets the runs on Dunkin.”

(Note – I just received an e-mail from a representative at Starbucks.  They claimed to be falsely quoted, and said my obvious joke wasn’t funny.  They also wanted me to tell you their coffee promotes healthy bowel movements, which I thought was rather disgusting and unnecessary.)

Back to Subway.  This is probably the only Subway ad I ever liked.  Fat people falling never fails to amuse me, and at the rate our ‘Idiocracy’ society is going, will probably be a hit reality show in 3 years.

The only sandwich I ever liked from Subway was the sweet onion teriyaki.  That shit was as the kid’s say, “dope.”  Other than that I’ve never had the desire to go to Subway.  I’d rather eat gum off an actual Subway platform than eat at Subway.  If someone were to give me a $100 Subway giftcard, I’d buy a SHITLOAD of Baked Lays with it, and ignore the “Sandwich Artist’s” pushing advances to try the new $5 footlong.  Fuckin crust peddlers.

Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Picasso… This guy.

Back to the non east coasters… Subway strikes me as a place that is HUGE in the middle of the country (like the people, dammmnnnn!) since they’ve probably never had a good sub (or “Hero” or “Hoagie” or “Grinder” if you’re really obnoxious) in their lives.  These are the same people that let Papa John believe that by using “better” ingredients he’s making better “pizza.”  His slogan should be “It’s not Digiorno, it’s delivery… sorry.”

“Nobody does what Papa John does… except every fuckin pizza maker on the planet.”

I could probably find about 20 more Subway commercials to post (Who are the people uploading this crap?  … Thanks btw) but you don’t want to see them.  I just wrote a thousand words about Subway… I hope you cherish your life, because I clearly don’t cherish mine.  If I ever decide to pull a Tony Scott, they’ll probably link to this post as the reason.  (NOTE – Film an extremely gay volleyball scene, not jump off a bridge… RIP Tony Scott.)


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