Ruffles Ultimate – Poker Night

So Duncan (I’m calling him “Duncan.” He looks like a “Duncan”) brings his pretty cute Asian girlfriend Katie to his weekly poker game at DJ Clue’s house judging from all the records in the background (New Shit, WHAAAA-whaaa-wha? Ha-ha, ha-ha!) The reason I say Clue is because these are probably the stakes his bankroll will allow him to play these days.

Right out of the gate, Katie is way too hot for this schlub, I don’t buy that casting one bit.  Let me ask you this… why must every piece of media depicting poker call it “Texas Holdem?”  No one who actually plays “Texas Holdem” ever uses the “Texas” part of the name.  Fuck Texas.  The only good thing to ever come out of Texas is this clip…

Just kidding Texas, I’m sure that scene wasn’t even filmed there.

Katie notices the conveniently placed bag of “New Ruffles Ultimate” and announces it…

SIDDDDEEE-TRRRAAACCKKK – This is one of my major beefs with commercials.  I know you’re trying to market a product, but no one talks like that.  In real life she would have said, “Oh snap, chips!” (Note – Katie loves the word “snap.”)  It’s like when people in commercials take “All Natural Extra Strength Bayer 24 Hour Pain Relief Liquid Gels” for their headaches as opposed to… “Aspirin.”

“Oh snap! You called me with that?! What kinda agro spewtard are you?!”

So Katie takes a bite of a chip and all of a sudden she’s a high roller.  I’m gonna plead ignorance on this commercial, because I legitimately don’t get it.  Am I supposed to believe the “Ultimate” chip turned her into an expert poker player?  Or am I supposed to assume she was just playing possum when she entered as the shy little Asian librarian?  (Google that, you won’t be sorry.)  In that case, what the fuck did the chip do?

I don’t get it at all. Katie dips a jalapeno chip into a bacon ranch dip… not so sure about that flavor combination.  I wonder what that tubby bitch on “Chopped” would say about that.

“I love what you did with the flavor profiles… but I found it lacking a splash of acidity.”

Katie’s also completely hogging the chips… of the plastic and potato variety.  Let someone else eat a Ruffle K-tits, and let Clue win a pot or two, you’re in his damn recording room.  The guys, who looked like they were pissed Duncan brought Katie initially, are now completely infatuated with her.  I mean, who doesn’t dig an unavilable, uninvited chick gorging on greasy chips who also takes all your money? They didn’t like you until you covered your eyes with shades, Katie.  These friggin racists,  I actually hope you do get all their money.

BA-ZING!  She does!  Clue snap-called (“Oh snap!”) her 2nd nut flush with top pair top kicker.  So sick.  Not only that, he called her 4 bet pre-flop from the small blind, and donk-bet 2.5x the pot on the turn on a clearly telegraphed bluff… what a fish. (To be fair, by that point he basically committed himself because of pot odds.) I’m pretty sure that’s how poker players speak… nay, I’m positive that’s how poker players speak.  You’re talking to a guy who once made $1100 in a single night of poker (Sick brag.)

Katie makes Duncan go get her a beer.  She even tips him a dollar to do it.  Duncan is all, “Bitch, you sat in the backseat on the ride over here, you eat a couple fucking potato chips and now you have the audacity to talk to me like that in front of my boys?!”  Nope… Duncan says he “loves her so much right now,” and runs to the kitchen.  In the extended edition of this commercial, Clue and his crew gangbang Katie while Duncan’s gone… but her privates are all blurry and censored for some reason.

“Fuck societal norms, grab me a new Miller Lite Punch Top can, Fairy!”

I watched it 5 more times, and I still don’t understand the commercial, maybe I’m just a moron (checks out.)  I will say this though, it did its job.  I wanna eat the fuck out of that bacon ranch dip.

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