Local Shit – Mike’s We Buy Gold

Fuck this commercial.

“You’ve always heard buy low, sell high.  Take it Taffy!”

“Well, it’s high!”

What’s high, the guy who came up with the idea for this commercial?  (See what I did there?)  That’s Mike. Mike buys gold.  That’s about the most straightforward business name I’ve ever heard.  It gets to the point better than the Sex shop I tried to open…

The next big retail chain? … No, probably not.

Apparently Mike also buys Golden Retrievers… Golden F’n Retrievers that can talk! Something tells me they didn’t seek out Industrial Light and Magic for this commercial. I also feel like that dog should be insulted by the voice they gave her, but I assume the voice belongs to Mike’s mom, the she to his “We.” Taffy looks miserable to be in front of the camera, but when you’re paid in massive gold dollar sign chains, it makes it all worth it.

“Save me, Sarah McLachlan.”

You don’t have to be desperate to visit “Mike’s We Buy Gold,” you just have to be smart.  I’m gonna wager a guess that 9 out of every 10 customers he gets are the former.  No one’s just going in there with the extra gold they have laying around the house to add into their retirement fund.

What’s the deal with these “We Buy Gold” places?  There are 47 of them in my area code (where I have 0 hoes… fuck you Luda… RIP Nate Dogg.) How much gold does the average person have?  What year is this?  Is our currency even backed by gold anymore?  Get Greenspan on the horn.

… And while I’m on the subject of retail space oversaturation, who the hell needs all these self serve frozen yogurt places?  Froyo?  I’m calling it “Froyo” because Yolo… no homo. (If anyone ever googles this ridiculous sentence, I’ll be the first result… new readers!)  There are about 7 different yogurt places near me. All of them have different owners yet they all provide the exact same product.  Now if someone decided to open a “We Trade Gold for Frozen Yogurt” shop, that would be a business I could get behind.  I’d gladly barter my crucifix for cup of mint froyo.  Just kidding, Jesus…

I guess I can give Mike credit for advertising and getting his name out there though. I’m sure he’s the first “We Buy Gold” place that pops in people’s minds now.  Although, I do get a kick out of the guys that usually advertise by holding signs outside of these places… plus, I can use work, and that’s something I might actually be qualified to do. Who’s my competition… poles?  A piece of wood?

“Sorry Conz, he had a more impressive résumé.”

The only other positive thing I can say about this commercial is that the Americana Diner has solid pancakes… not quite as good as Broadway Diner’s self proclaimed “World’s Greatest” pancakes, but solid.  Someone needs to talk to the guy who owns the joint though.  He has an autographed baseball collection showcase in direct sunlight.  Every time I walk in and see how faded his Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle balls are, I lose my appetite.

One day I’ll stay on topic… one day.


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