Trailer Thursday – The Expendables 2

Yeah, “Trailer Thursday” is a thing.  I opted against “Throwback Thursday” because only douchebags use that, usually with a hashtag in front of it.  They also say “Sunday Funday!”  What ever happened to keeping the sabbath day holy?

A trailer is a commercial in my book… it probably is in most books, except “Trailers Are Not Commercials” by Edwin D. Imnotrealthisjokesucks Jr.  With all due respect to the guy I just made up, he’s wrong.  Trailers are commercials, and here’s my review of the trailer for… Expendables 2!!!!!!!  WOOOO! Action!  Stallone!  Arnold! The UFC’s Randy “The Natural” Couture! That Black guy in the Old Spice commercials… no, not the guy on the horse, the other one! The non-Thor Hemsworth! Some Asian chick who won’t get naked! Bruce Jet Lee Li!  Ivan Drago! JahClawVanDam!  WALKER, TEXAS RANGER!  I’m a man!  Gimmie a beer!  Shut the fuck up already!

I seriously can’t understand a word Stallone says in this trailer.  I know it has become cliché to make fun of Sly’s mumbling but… oh shit, speaking of cliché… CHUCK NORRIS! I heard some crazy rumors about this guy; at no point did I even know he was in the pictures.  Infact, I actually thought I heard that Chuck Norris can’t appear in pictures, pictures can only appear in him.  Did I do that right?

“Haha. Nice one, Conz.”

SIDDDDEEE-TRRRAAACCKKK – Are we done with the Chuck Norris love yet?  Can you name 3 movies Chuck Norris has been in without looking at his imdb?  “Sidekicks,” an old movie with Bruce Lee and undoubtedly his best role… “Dodgeball?”  How are Chuck Norris jokes still a thing?  Sure a few of them were clever for a week, but that week ended 7 years ago.  You know what mustache could probably maul Chuck Norris’s… you know who could probably maul the entire cast of this bloated sequel on his lunch break?

“Me… I can.”

Nick Offerman should be in every movie ever made. And yes, I realize that by putting Nick Offerman on a pedestal, I’m doing exactly what the Norris jokesters did… but Conz don’t Care.  Conz just don’t care.

Jason Stathom is also in this movie, and I won’t lie, “I now pronounce you man and knife,” is an awesome line of log (you can use that), but that’s just the Stath.  The Stath is the man, I would never dare speak ill of the Stath.

“Stop calling me ‘The Stath.’”

The first Expendables was a flaming piece of shit.

“Dude, you don’t get it.  It was a throwback to 80s action movies.  If you went in expecting an Oscar worthy film you went into it with the wrong impression.”

Allow me to counter that, every Fanboy on the internet.

I went in expecting a movie… that was barely a movie.  Sly and Co go to some island to fight some warlord (On-Hell Batista of “Dexter” fame), and meet his daughter or something for like 30 seconds after some big stunt I saw on “Talespin” in 93, and they go home, and then Mickey Rourke gives some long ass diatribe about some girl who died or something, and then they go back for the girl they knew for 30 seconds… and at some point there’s a really awkward scene with Sly, Arnold and Bruce in a church or something, and someone mentions sucking each other’s dicks.  Oh yeah, and for a group called the “Expendables,” no one dies, despite you rooting for them all to die.  And Stone Cold is in there at some point but I think he’s a bad guy.  … oh and Dolph Lundgren turns on them, has a really disappointing fight with Jet Li (his 9 seconds of screen time, if you don’t count being the butt of 5 ‘little Asian’ jokes) but then Dolph shows up in the last scene and they toast him with a beer.

Ask anyone why they liked “The Expendables” and they’ll say, “That scene where Terry Crews shot the big ass gun.”  That’s actually a lie; they don’t even know Terry Crews is his name… and that scene lasted 6 seconds (she didn’t say that, shut up.)

To be fair, this one definitely looks better.  I mean, by adding Arnold (He’s “Back.”) Van Damme, and the corpse of Bruce Willis (he was dead all along) to the main cast, it almost has to be better.  I just kinda made a “Sixth Sense” joke… those are still funny, right Chuck Norris jokesters?

Just off the trailer, the plot obviously seems terrible, something about JCVD getting a bunch of “plateau-naum.”  There are some cool looking scenes I guess.  Looks like the most cliched action movie of all time, but Arnold ripping the door off a Smartcar is always cool, even though his dialogue was just used by Shaq in a Buick commercial.

“I should be in this movie… Shaq Fu mah fuckas!”

Will I see this movie?  Yeah, I’ll definitely bootleg it… umm, spend my hard earned money on it. I’m not telling you not to see it… but be prepared. That one Facebook friend of yours who can bench 250 lbs (I maxed 315 in 2004, sup Ladies?) is about to start posting some really obnoxious Expendables themed shit in the coming days.


2 thoughts on “Trailer Thursday – The Expendables 2

  1. Pingback: Trailer Thursday Catch-Up | Conz Hates Commercials

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