Doritos Locos Tacos

I’m gonna kick this site off with a commercial that is probably already out of rotation.  A commercial you and your friends (or co-workers you’d consider “friends” at gunpoint) have probably already discussed (more like “disgust” right?  Fuck me.)

Can someone please explain why it was so damn hard to find this video on YouTube?  When I search “Doritos Locos Taco commercial road trip,” I kinda expect this to be the first hit.  I realize this may come off as hypocritical (verrrry hypocritical) but stop whoring yourselves on YouTube and hogging up my search results with irrelevant tags to your “review” videos.  No one wants to watch your fat ass eat a taco.  “Taco Bell Road Trip” nets it as the first result, btw.

… And we move on.

The Doritos Locos Tacos is apparently the fastest selling fast food item of all time (Dave’s Hot and Juicy’ clocked in at 4,503rd as no one felt comfortable asking for one.)  Thing is, every “review” I’ve seen or read about this taco is bullshit.  People are clearly convincing themselves they liked it more than they actually did.  I did it too.  I bought two of them the second I saw my local Taco Bell slapped the “We have this thing now,” sticker on their window.  It was ok, briefly tasted like a Dorito, but then it just became a messier (NOTE – ‘more messy’ not Mark, the Captain of the 1994 New York Rangers Stanley Cup Championship team… and the GOAT.) version of a hard taco, and everyone knows hard tacos suck.  Seriously, never trust a person who orders a hard taco over a soft one. (No maricon.)

Let’s talk about this commercial. I managed to find the extended edition, not the ad you saw on TV 500 times, so we got a little bonus action.  No need to wait for the DVD extras.

Last year Nat (Matt?) Christiana and his impressively crusty mustache packed his “friends” into his Mother’s 92 Volvo and decided to take a Taco Bell road trip through a completely deserted Silent Hill apparently.  Within seconds, the Vo popped a tire… not a great start to the trip Nathanial (Matthew).  How the hell are you gonna make it 965 miles on a spare?  Nat was all like, “Watch me, guy from the future.”

Nat wanted a Doritos Locos Taco so bad, he was willing to drive from… we’ll say St. Louis to New York to get one.  That dude really loves processed meat and nacho cheese tortilla chips.  Ya know what the craziest part of this trip was?  No, not the cute girl who has no business being in the car with them… the fact that they don’t have a GPS.  Last year was 2011.  Everyone on the planet had a GPS.  I heard a robotic woman’s voice yell “TURN LEFT” from an Amish dude’s buggy the other day.  These crazy kids are using a map!  A paper map!  I’m all for keeping Rand McNally afloat, but this is ridiculous.

After driving all day, almost 1000 miles, they finally reach the glowing beacon that is the Taco Bell sign.  I won’t lie, when I see one, I probably smile like a moron too.  Nat’s friends are dicks.  You can tell they treat him like crap… like the only reason they decided to take this trek was by their standards.  Not only did Nat have to drive, but he had to go inside and buy the food for them!  There isn’t a Taco Bell within 1000 miles of your house, you’re not curious to check out the interior after driving 16 hours?!  How did Nat agree to this?

So they finally chomp down, and you would think the girl flashed Nat by his reaction.  He’s totally selling it.  I know damn well his first thought after biting down on the Doritos Locos Taco was “SHIT! That totally wasn’t worth it,” but he’s not letting his bosses see that.  They’re less enthused by the $1.29 taco and probably want to alternate punching Nat in his face and dick.

“I burst into tears, yo.”

The narrator chimes in with “Well played Nat.  Well played.”  Was it?  He probably spent hundreds on gas to eat a subpar dollar taco.  He could have gone to a closer taco bell that didn’t serve DLT’s, bought a bag of Doritos, and basically made his own.  Total retail value, $4.  Talk about anti-climatic.  The worst part of all this is they’re gonna have to stop on 16 hour drive home at some point to let the cute girl crap out the Grade D taco meat Nat forced her to eat.  Judging from the reaction my stomach has to Taco Bell, I never even want to imagine attractive girls eating there.

“Never again, Nat. Never again.”

I don’t know Nat, you certainly “Lived Más,” but was it really worth it? I guess technically you got a commercial out of the trip, but was it really worth it?  Did you friends chip in on gas? Help buy a new tire? Did you ever end up getting with the backseat girl or did your Asian buddy cock-block you?  I think we need a sequel to this commercial.  Fuck it; give Nat and his friends a reality show where he just gallivants the country in his jalopy looking for new fast food joints.  I’d watch it… just without the commercials.

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