This blog still exists…

What’s up world, it’s your boy Sway… nope… unfortunately it’s just me, Conz.   I just randomly read an old post of mine and thought it was hilarious so I’m probably gonna have to go and write a few more.  How pumped are you?  On a scale of 1 to I’m not even reading this, you’re talking to yourself?

While I’m not stroking my own ego, I’m stroking other things of mine, and I have to be honest, I’ve been on a “mature” kick lately.

… It’s my dong by the way.  It’s 2013.  Let’s not act like openly discussing internet porn is taboo.  Your grandfather just typed “Jenna Haze tube videos” into AskJeeves.

Anyway, the “mature” kick may have been subconsciously triggered by this commercial.

The ad is for a 2012 model, but I still see it fairly often.

I can’t hate this commercial.  I just can’t hate on anything with the milfiest milf who has ever milfed.  I mean, that’s one hot mother.  I’d like to catch this sexy librarian riding dirty, and make her face look like the gooey decimal system.

The gooey decim– thrown_tomato_pic

Seriously, you can keep Kate Upton pounding Carl’s Jr’ like tic tacs, I want more of this woman.  More dammit!  Who is she?!  Whoooo?

How often is a mom 100x hotter than the daughter?  Also, the boyfriend’s line delivery was pretty awful.  They couldn’t do another take?

But it’s not about them, it’s about the milf.

Aight, a blog about commercials is pathetic enough… I’ll quit while I’m a(n erect)head.  Worst.  The worst jokes in America.  If this didn’t whet your appetite for more Conz Hates Commercials, then nothing will.

See you soon maybe.

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Super Bowl Movie Spots 2013

What, you thought I forgot about the movie trailers?!

I did.

I didn’t really remember any of them off the top of my head except Ironman 3.

Which looks dope as fuck, son.  The 2nd one kinda sucked after the scene at the racetrack in Monaco, but I would probably watch RDJ make these until he’s 80 (lets be real, he’s probably not seeing 80.)

The fact Shane Black wrote and directed this is the best thing it has going for it.  You pair him back up with RDJ, and let him write for Tony Stark and I just can’t imagine how this could possibly miss.  Without a doubt the best trailer of this year’s Super Bowl.  Good looks on that Marvel acquisition, Disney.

Oh boy.  Get Poppy Harry on the horn and ask him who the fuck the Lone Ranger is.

Disney, I just gave you props, then you hit me with this?

Quarter of a billion dollar budget (which would make it a 71 minute movie by Super Bowl commercial price standards) Action hero from generations ago that no child in America has ever heard of, drab desert scenery… They have a really good track record with this.

At the very least, Depp makes bank, but they went with another fairly unknown lead. The movie is called “The Lone Ranger” yet Tonto is the logo.  Obviously, they’re gonna sell Johnny Depp to the audience, but come on.  This also marks his 10th straight film with ridiculous face paint.

Maybe it’s just me but big budget action movies set in the wild west are NEVER good.  “Back to the Future 3” is solid, beyond that you got shit like “Wild Wild West,” and the horrendous “Cowboys vs. Aliens.”

There’s almost no chane this isn’t a flop.  It will do better than “John Carter,” but come on Disney, I don’t care if the “Pirates” dudes are behind it, this was a bad idea.

Speaking of bad ideas and Disney…

I have no doubt this will do well.  Whereas no kid gives a fuck about the Lone Ranger, every child on the planet has seen “The Wizard of Oz” but still… this looks like shit.

Mila Kunis is a goddess, but James Franco sucks.  I said it.  He sucks.  Outside of “Pineapple Express,” he hasn’t been good in much.  “What about when he cut his arm off?!”  Ok, that was a good performance too, you can have that.  Besides that, he’s oversaturated the market.  “Planet of the Apes” wasn’t good because of him.

This one is a CGI overload.  It looks like “Alice in Wonderland” which fuckin sucked, but somehow still made a billion worldwide, so this is probably a safe bet.

Speaking of safe bets and Disney…

All this trailer did was pump me up for the JJ Abrams Star Wars.  The first “Trek” movie was good(never thought I’d watch a Star Trek movie), and this looks just as good, so I’m in.  That’s all I have to say.

And then you got this…

Nicely done, Disney!  (Shut up, I know.)

If I would have told you “The Fast and the Furious” would have spawned 5 sequels, what would you have said?

This… looks awesome.  Fuck it, it looks awesome.  These movies have steadily gotten better as they’ve gone on.  Even “Tokyo Drift” was good.  These are just pure mindless entertainment, unlike action movies such as “The Expendables” which just suck despite the over the top action.

Man, the whole crew is here!  The Rock, Diesel, Walker, Luda, Han (where are the country kid and Bow Wow in these sequels?) Tyr… fuck Tyrese.  Michelle Rodriguez is more imposing than Tyrese.

So, here’s your wrap up:

  1. Ironman 3
  2. 6 Fast 6 Furious
  3. Star Trek into Star Wars
  4. Mila Kunis
  5. Tonto and the White Guy

This was completely unnecessary.

Super Bowl Commercials 2013

It’s time for the first ever Conz Hates Commercials Super Bowl commercial extravaganza recap… thing!

First – my thoughts on the game.  Shitty first half, awesome second half, terrible play calling by SF late, Ray Lewis murder joke, racist New Orleans related “black”out joke, Eli would have won it for the 9ers, and Colin Kaepernick looks like he has Progeria.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, on to the commercials.

Right off the bat, there weren’t many memorable spots this year (or for the past 5) so I’m cheating and using a compiled list from someone else’s site.  … Oh, and there’s no chance I’m giving said site any credit, not like they own the rights to the videos.

I will be rating each commercial on a scale of Eli the God (being 10 naturally) to Sanchez (1.)

elisanchez

Unfair?  Sure, but who doesn’t like to rip on Mark Sanchez?  I’m gonna have to drop a little spoiler here… there is not one Eli in the bunch, and this rating system is going to be a disaster.  Ten bucks says I abandon it halfway through.

Let’s open with this one, that I predicted wayyyy back in October

This company seems to try and capitalize on internet memes about 6 months after their popularity fades.  Either it takes that long to shoot the commercial, or they have a room full of unhip old people lol’ing about the funny video with 20 million views their nephew showed them. … You can expect a “Psy does it Gangnam Style” commercial around May, 2013…

Ok, so I was off by a billion views, and a few months, but that was as easy a prediction as there is.  Nate Silver I am not.  Way to keep the business model rolling, Wonderful Pistachios.  Rating – 2.  Blane Gabbert?

Not the worst.  I always get a kick out of the religious nuts who find the Virgin Mary in their toast, but this wasn’t worth $8 mil, Tide.  You could have taken $8 mil of your product and dumped it in the Ganges or something.  Rating – 6.  So who’s that?  Romo?  Nah, fuck Romo.

Racist!  Nope, not at all, but of course some people are crying foul.  That’s another $8 million right there.  I’m pretty sure VW had another “Be Happy” ad later in the game, so that was money well spent.  Rating – 4, but only because Jamaicans talk cool as shit.

I actually liked this one.  It’s just too bad the copious amount of pron I’ve viewed has forever tainted the word “cream,” for me.  “Tainted” was a bad choice.  Rating – 7… We ready to call Luck a 7?

People were tweeting about crying during this one.  …  Look, Bud, I like your Clydesdales, but only when they are playing football.  Way too much drama here, but I will say, this is the sweetest story about a man and his horse since Mr. Hands.  Shame on you, Burger King!  Who could eat such a majestic beast?  Rating 5 – but only for the  theatrical quality, fuck the story… although this is probably better than “War Horse.” Who’s the NFL’s most average QB?  Cam Newton?  Nah.  I don’t friggin know.  When’s baseball?

Wonder how much Dafoe pulled in for this.  Forgettable.  Didn’t Mercedes push a sub-$30k car a few years ago?  I bet the “starting” model has hand crank windows, no sun… excuse me, “moon” roof, 2 doors, a 1 cylinder engine, no cupholders, additional car stuff I know nothing about… once you ask for a couple upgrades you’re looking at a $45,000 car, which would instead buy you almost a second of advertising during the Super Bowl.  Rating – 5.

Love me some Rock, hate me some “Dwayne Johnson.”  Kind of mean spirited when you think about it.  While he’s out on his milk run, the cat could have died; the lion could have mauled that woman, etc…  Priorities though.  Rocky’s daughter wants some fuckin milk.  Not a terrible commercial.  Good to the see the Rock getting back to his roots… starring in action flicks with little girls.  Coulda done without the terrible CGI alien at the end.  Rating – 7 – Pre-Playoff Joe Flacco.

Are you bored yet?  I sure am.

This cost over $15 million.  I knew it was going to be some manly pick up truck commercial, but I was holding out hope the culminating shot would be an endless field of Farmers saying this.  Totally missed out on a great cross promotion there.  Rating – 4.  Too damn long and boring.  The cash spent here probably could have paid the yearly salary of every farmer in America, or at the very least subsidized America’s lima bean crops for the next… forever.

Beside the bully being the least convincing of all time, this was decent.  Coulda sworn he got tossed at the end, but I guess not.  Rating – 6.

I’m sure people found this hilarious, but I’m a humorless asshole.  Goat (not to be confused with “G.O.A.T.” aka Eli Manning) noises are always funny though, so the sound effects saved it.  Rating – 6.  Much better than…

… this piece of shit.  How many times has “Daddy playing princess” been used as a comedy crutch?  Hey jackass, you’re the dad.  Just tell her to give you the damn Doritos if you want them so bad. And ya know what, if she won’t hand them over, you have money, go buy a bag… shit, I’m sure you paid for those anyway.  What grown men play football like that in the front yard?  Oh and look at that, there’s a random Asian guy in the tag football group. Probably the only Asian other than Dat Nguyen to ever touch a football. Gotta appeal to them all! (Racist Alert – always wanted Nguyen to play for the Giants and line up with Justin Tuck so there could be a play called the “Nip Tuck” formation.)

There’s no chance Kato and a black dude are hanging out with bootleg Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” in the real world.  Also, if she had 5 friggin bags of Doritos, why couldn’t she just let Daddy have one with the promise he’ll play with her later?  Why is she hoarding 5 bags of Doritos anyway?!  I’m sorry but if you’re buying 5 bags, you’re telling me you aren’t mixing in at least one Cool Ranch?  Bullshit.  Terrible.  The kids in the Hyundai commercial above could probably beat these clowns.

This won a million bucks for someone too.  Remember your Grandfather? Yeah, you know em, Poppy Harry? The guy who worked 40 years in a steel mill for 12 hours a day to put bread on his family’s table?  He used to slip you a $5 bill every now and then and tell you not to spend it all on candy.  He made $100,000 in his lifetime.  These guys made a million for a joke that has been done 100,000 times, most recently in an Orville Redenbacher commercial.   Rating – Butt Fumble.

Dare I use the word “adorable?”  I dare not.  I saw this on some “worst” lists, which is ridiculous.  The shit has baby pandas, monkeys and elephants!  That alone makes it a 7.  I’m glad Kia didn’t try to incorporate these assholes.

2/10 would not bang.  Seriously though, this chick doesn’t appeal to me at all.  What am I missing?  I was waiting for Shatner to pop out.  Nothing new here.  You could have done literally anything with the premise and they dropped the ball.  Rating – 4.

What a disgrace.  What is he opposite of giving “eargasms with my mellow accent?”  How can you shit on a classic song like that, Becks? Fuck you.  Rating – Sanchez.

I think the Iron Sheik summed this one up perfectly in one tweet – “Fuck the Leon Sandcastle.”  Rating – 5.

That Paul Rudd is one charming motherfucker.  He and Rogen’s banter was funny.  I was ready to call this my favorite, and then Bob Odenkirk came in and I was all, “ah yeah, this is getting even better.”  … and it didn’t.  It went off the rails. Then Bron Bron made an appearance live via satellite, and in typical Apatow fashion, it went on way too long… but that was the edited for TV version.

This is the extended cut.   Odenkirk slowed it down a bit, but this is pretty hilarious.  Definitely my favorite.  Rating – Eli the God’s big brother.

Here’s the straight to TBS sequel for “Project X.”  Glad they decided to drop the shakey cam for this one.  Seriously though, don’t insult us, Pepsi.  9 years olds have sex parties with booze and drugs these days, teens aren’t drinking Pepsi Next.  Oh, and there’s some great unnatural commercial dialogue from the ‘This Friggin Guy’ actor playing the Dad, “This is real cola taste!”  No one talks like that.  Sneaky cameo from the ginger former child actor in the beginning.  Rating – 3, but only for the fat kid pouring milk over his head.

Look at Gildan running with the big dogs.  Good for you, Gildan… buttt you gave this asshole more work, therefore, I hate your commercial.  Rating – Sanchez.

There were a few other ones I remember but don’t feel like looking up…

Bud had a new black beer or some shit.

Pepsi had some shit with Stevie Wonder playing a voodoo priest or something.  At one point he looked up at (I think) Zoe Saldana like everyone doesn’t know he’s blind.

There was a Wheat Thin commercial that may have been funny, but no lists seem to remember it either.

Some kid drove an Audi and kissed the chick and got punched at Prom.

There was a stupid GoDaddy spot where Danica Patrick was terrible at acting.

The overrated as a motherfucker “Walking Dead” had some sport or something with zombies. Daryl was in one! He was probably checking that house for Sofia.  No offense to Norman Reedus, but between this show and “Boondock Saints,” the guy is cornering the market on disgustingly overrated shit douchebags love.  So Reedus got a Super Bowl commercial, Willem Dafoe got one… somwhere Powder must be crying in a corner.

Coke kept up their tradition of having dogshit ads with some Mad Max vs. Showgirls vs. someone else race for a giant coke in the desert or some shit.  I think the Showgirls ended up winning and saying, “This is real cola taste!”

Taco Bell had 2 ads with Spanish versions of famous songs that were garbage.  The idea was decent, but the Spanish translations sounded like shit in both cases, ruining the potential.

There was a Calvin Klein ad for underwear featuring a basically naked dude.  Nothing rabid football fans want to see more than some model in his manties.  I guess that was for the ladies.

Tracy Morgan did something that wasn’t 30 Rock, so I zoned out.

I think Kate Upton’s voluptuous tits were in 4 commercials, and I’m sure worldwide men high fived their buddies saying she’s the “hottest chick in the world.”  Good for her, getting as much work as possible before the inevitable Anna Nicole Smith transformation is complete.  I’m pretty sure Butt Fumble fucked her.

And of course, last but not least, this…

Gofuckyourself, Godaddy.  While it’s cool to see the world’s greatest extra get some shine, this is one of the most disgusting commercials… probably of all time.  You could have had Bar Refaeli make out with *insert that chick you love here* and those noises would still have made this unsettling.  GoDaddy gives 5 Hour Energy a run for their shitty money.  It’s 2013, we don’t need to see sexy women for 30 seconds, every 5th site you host on the internet is a porn tube… although maybe seeing said sexy women on TV in clothes causes me to go to godaddy hosted porn tube sites… hmmm.  Rating – if you could somehow clone a team full of Sanchez’s.

Hundreds of millions of dollars well spent!  And like always, my (and yours if you read this) time poorly spent.

Time for pitchers and catchers!  … Fuck, I’m a Mets fan.

Hockey…

In honor of hockey being back, he’s a great new Sportscenter commercial with your King and mine, the reigning Vezina Trophy winning, Henrik Lundqvist.

Tomorrow starts the 2013 Rangers Stanley Cup run.

Get pumped.

 

Pcmatic.com

It’s .com week here at Conz Hates Commercials aka morelikebadvertising.wordpress.com!!!!

Exciting!

I have to assume commercials like this are terrible for the sake of being terrible?  They don’t have big budgets and can’t get the Melanie Paxson’s of the world to star in them, so they always end up being piss poor.

Blondie’s smacking the shit out of her keyboard when Jerry… I’m calling him “Jerry,” walks up and simply says, “I’ll have these.” Who the fuck buys stuff like that?  Next time I go to the supermarket, I’m gonna throw my groceries down, look the old cashier in the eye and say, “I’ll have these,” exactly like Billy Madison says “Those are Z’s.”

Anyway, Blondie’s computer is all slow and Jerry tells her about pcmatic.com… repeatedly.  Before you know it Jerry — a customer — is manning the register… the drawer that holds all of Blondie’s money.  He manages to find a virus using… everyone together now, “PCMatic.com.” You were a little late there, Steve.  Don’t worry, we’ll fix it in post…

Jerry ain’t lying about the bug, the scanner — which usually shows prices — backs him up.

PcmaticVirus

Pcmatic tells Jerry her computer has a virus, and is also freezing.  She asks how he knows that, and he replies, “Because this piece of shit just froze!”  Then he pulls out a pistol, points to the money drawer, then her tits and menacingly says, “I’ll have these!”

… Nah, they just keep saying “pcmatic” over and over again.  He says, “Pcmatic works from the cloud and sends a report to your inbox.”  Tell me that doesn’t sound like made up computer mumbo jumbo… it’s like someone who has never worked on a computer heard those words once and then wrote the dialogue for this commercial.

Blondie is so satisfied by pcmatic’s instantaneous results, Jerry gets his roses on the house. (And the $300 he pocketed when she was too busy yacking about pcmatic.com.)

They say “Pcmatic” 16 times in this commercial.  16 times in 61 seconds.  That’s more times than that Korean dude says “Gangnam Style” in the aptly named song, “Gangnam Style.”  Have you guys heard “Gangnam Style?”  Oh man, you should totally check it out on YouTube!

If you actually go to pcmatic.com, it looks like a site that is riddled with viruses.  Also, it’s a free download, but once you get suckered into using it, you probably have to pay out the ass.

This commercial has the worst acting I’ve ever seen in a florist.

… What?  It doesn’t?  Surely ye jest.

I know, I know, everyone is aware of “The Room” by now, but that clip never gets old.

I’m sure it’s been broken down ad nauseum (Fun Fact – I almost named this shitass blog “Ad Naseum,” but someone already had it.) Apparently Johnny is Clark Kent.  She doesn’t recognize him with his shades on despite him being her favorite customer.  The dubbing in this movie is GOAT status, and “Hi Doggie” should be America’s new motto.  It should be on the back of our dollar bill.

PcmaticDollar

“Pcmatic”

Shouldn’t the young girl know more about computers than her bespectacled dad?  Also, a navy blue “State” sweatshirt?   Too soon!  Think of the children!  Those poor poor children.

Who talks like the people in these commercials?

Notice how it’s always a woman with the computer problems?  What are they trying to say?  I want to accuse them of being sexist, but let’s be real, they couldn’t go the other way.  If the roles were flipped, the woman in each ad would immediately chastise the guy for looking at too much porn.

Question – if your computer gets a virus from a porn site, is that technically a sexually transmitted disease?

“Pcmatic”

Wait, they actually do have one where the male gets the virus…

Ya know what?  I’m the sexist one.  I don’t buy it.  There’s no way that woman would know how to fix the problem.  I kinda like that promiscuous little milf though.  I’d let her clear my history folder.

In conclusion, pcmatic.  Pcmatic.  Pcmatic… .com.

Trailer Thursday Catch-Up

I know you’ve all been waiting anxiously for me to address this… well, the time hath come.

So every “Trailer Thursday” blog I wrote had a Rotten Tomato score prediction at the end and I was curious to see how wrong I’ve been.

Alex Cross

I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 55% with good word of mouth.  It’s gonna flop though, I don’t expect Perry’s usual audience to flock to this…

Critics said – 12%  … Off to a good start.  To be fair—to be fair, I was only 43% off.  Jesus, what a terrible guess.  I honestly thought some critics would go in unbiased and just judge it on the actual story, but I guess Tyler Perry the story were that bad.  At least I knew it would flop.

Battle of the Year: The Dream Team 3D

I said – The battle of the year is gonna be whether this can finish in the top 5 at the box office in it’s opening weekend.  I guarantee Chris Brown gets a Razzie nomination for this, and judging from his acting in the trailer… and his life choices… he deserves it.

Critics have yet to speak as this movie has apparently been pushed back again.  That’s always a good sign… although somehow 73% of the audience at rottentomatoes WANT to see this.

A Christmas Story 2

I said – I’m sure some people will say this is just a DVD release.  It’s no harm no foul and it won’t take away from the original, but to me that’s blasphemous.  Nothing is sacred anymore.  The fact that they are pairing this in DVD sets with the original is a damn shame.  Sadly people will probably flock to buy it for their collection too.  Like I said, I usually don’t get up in arms over sequels… but this is just too damn much.  Fuck this movie.  This is definitely not why Jesus died for our sins.

I’m starting to realize that I haven’t been consistent with my structure… or this blog… or my life choices, but fuck it I already started writing this.

Critics said – I guess they don’t even bother with non-theatrical releases.  41% of the audience liked it though, which is way more than expected.

Here Comes the Boom

I said – I won’t act like this is the worst looking movie of all time.  It certainly doesn’t look good though, especially if you know of “Warrior’s” existence.  I’ll probably watch it the same way I’ve seen every Kevin James movie… at 12:30 on a Tuesday night on Starz.  Go watch “Warrior” instead.  Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 47%

Critics said – 38% — I’m getting closer.

Pitch Perfect

I said – I’m thinking that Kendrick-Snow lesbian shower scene will hit the cutting room floor unfortunately, so I’ll say my Rotten Tomatoes prediction is 58%.  Critics like Anna Kendrick and they’ll probably rave about how fat funny that funny fat girl is.

Critics said – 80% — I’m really bad at this.  I’ve actually heard good things about this movie, so I’m planning on checking it out soon.

Trouble with the Curve

I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score – 76%  Critics love that firecrotch Amy Adams.

Critics said – 51% — *sigh* I guess I’m not gonna quit my fake day job.

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

I said – I didn’t check Rotten Tomatoes.  I’m not even sure they review movies like this, but my guess is 24% because some critics will write it off as a “silly” kids movie.

Critics said – 29% There we go.

Lawless

I said – Predicted Rotten Tomatoes score (because I was so close the last time) – 62%

Critics said – 67% — It’s a shame you’re no longer reading this, because I’m nailing it right now!

The Expendables 2

I said – I apparently didn’t… but I’m taking a stab right now – 60%

Critics said – 65% — Came on strong, no one stayed to see.

And with that, I conclude this, the most pointless of entries yet.

SURVEY SAYS – I suck at this.

What Did You Do The Last 5 Hours?

Is 5 Hour Energy the worst?  I think they may be the worst.

They set the shit bar pretty high with the animatronic Cowboy but I think they’ve topped themselves.

Here’s all you need to know about this one…

1-35HourNoComments

I hate the internet term “trolling,” but they have to be “trolling” now.  They just have to be.

So, do you want to know what he did in the last 5 hours?

No?  Neither do I.  I guess we’re good then.  Lock this up people, move along.  I’ll see you soon… en espanol.