Capital One – What’s In Your Wallet?

“… more like Crapital One,” said the unfunny guy… who most definitely isn’t me… but really is.

They’ve had pretty crappy commercials for years now, under the “What’s in your wallet” slogan, which sounds like something a really inquisitive mugger might ask before shanking you.

Capital One is another company that has 5 different ads going at any given time.  I think these companies believe that if they show different campaigns every other commercial break, people won’t put 2 and 2 together and get sick of the company itself… but they’re wrong.  They oversaturate the airwaves and I’m getting sick of em.

Here’s one that is on a lot at the moment…

Why is Jerry Stiller even doing commercials?  He doesn’t have enough money?  Not to be morbid, but the guy can’t have much time left, who’s he leaving this money to?  His son probably has $200 mil easy.

Seriously, how old is this guy?  He debuted on Seinfeld almost 20 years ago, and looks exactly the same.  He also looks like a monkey… I’m not exactly sure what breed, but he definitely has some Dr. Zaius in him.

And then we have the continuing adventures of Jimmy Fallon and Baby…

And Fallon doing mildly racist characters… I tend to think that if he did a Mexican or an Asian, he would have been Don Imused or Michael Richards…ed by the media, but no one gives a rat’s ass when you do an overly exaggerated Russian or Italian impression…

I’ve been a long time Jimmy Fallon supporter, but these commercials blow.  The guy is talented, but its stuff like this that gives Fallon haters their fodder.  I never thought he was amazing on SNL, but he was a lot better than people gave him credit for.  “Mehhh, all he did was laugh in the sketches!”  Bill Hader does that every week, and he’s arguably one of the best SNL cast members ever.  (I’d argue you all day if you disagree.)  I never hear people talk shit about Hader.  Also, Late Night with Fallon is the best late night show going.

“But what about Craig Ferguson?!”  Not a real guy, that’s just Jimmy Fallon doing his Scottish character.

Alec Baldwin has had a great half decade or so.  Dude just wins Emmys, bags Yoga instructors, gets kicked off airplanes, calls his daughter a pig…

Seriously though, these commercials barely register on my radar because he’s essentially playing Jack Donaghey, and Jack Donaghey is one of the best TV characters… fuck it, I’ll say ever…  might as well after my brave Bill Hader declaration.

How many friggin cards does Capital One offer?

These are hit and miss, and they’ve been used since 2009… it’s probably time to retire them.  I’m all for Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” getting steady work, but I think the Vikings have run their course.

Fun Fact – Ogre’s real name is Donald Gibb. That’s right, he was one of the founding members of the Bee Gees.

I’m glad they’ve ditched the little effeminate kid Viking… is it wrong to call a young boy effeminate?  Yeah?  Oh…

I’m glad the little shit is gone, they were relying too heavily on him being “cute.”  Hopefully the Vikings follow him out the door soon.

Ya know Capital One’s nosey ass keeps asking, so I decided to check what’s in my wallet…

  1. $21
  2. Amex/Debit Cards
  3. My Blue Cross/Blue Shield card with the $650 copay
  4. Expired Casino College ID (Never worked in a Casino)
  5. A gift card for a free massage I’m afraid to use (I don’t know boner etiquette.)
  6. Coupons – buy one get one free baconator, and 20% of frozen yogurt.
  7. Membership cards to Best Buy, Lids, Staples, Stop and Shop, A&P, Modells… ya know, all the important places.

What’s noticeably absent from my wallet?  A condom… obviously.

Oh, I forgot the PBA card I got from a cop my dad knows that I’m terrified to give to an actual cop.

You know we bout to side track it…

Can we just discuss the whole idea of the PBA card for a second?  “You’re on the professional bowling tour?”  Leave.  Go… get off my site…

I’ve been pulled over about 5 times in my life, but I never had one on me at the time… I don’t think I’d use it if I did.  Who the fuck am I?  Seriously, you’ve got some sack using one of these…

-“I pulled you over for driving without your lights on, and doing 30 over the speed limit.”

-“Yeah, but I know Officer Rick, and he gave me this card… sooooo…”

-“Well, bust my buttons! Why didn’t you say that in the first place? That’s a horse of a different color!  You’re free to go!”

Why the hell would a cop ever accept one of these?  And why the hell would I expect anyone to find that “Wizard of Oz” quote funny?

Aren’t cops all hardasses?  Do they exchange PBA cards for gifts back at the precinct?  They have to get rewarded in some way for collecting these things, right?  I imagine they’re like tickets at a boardwalk arcade.  Five PBA cards get you one of those remote control flying inflatable sharks.

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t do a “terrible music” entry today.  Actually, you’re probably wondering why I’d assume you were wondering why I didn’t do a “terrible music” entry today.  I haven’t been seeing many commercials with noticeably terrible music lately, so from now on Tuesdays will be “Whatever the fuck I want them to be” Tuesdays.  You got something to say about that?  Leave a comment.

Seriously though, leave comments. I want to argue with people, or at the very least find out what’s in your wallet.

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